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Living In A Ghost Town

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Altavalon's picture
on March 31, 2013 - 8:46am

I know that I've been away from here for quite some time. Little did I expect that the next time I would post anything to this website would be after the band broke up. I needed some time to let that information digest. I'm...still not there yet. I want to be the 'good fan'. The 'upbeat fan' that knows everything will be alright, but if I was I would be a liar, a fraud, I wouldn't be myself. My Chemical Romance was pretty much the only thing lighting my way in this pitch-blackness that I call life. I learned about them at the age of 20, and seeing as I suck at being an adult, I was afraid of what the future held for me, MCR helped me through all of the uncertain times, all of the stress, all of the failure, they made everything seem like it wasn't the end of the world. Now, here I am almost ten years later. I will be 30 this year and the one thing that made life seem a little more bearable is gone. Not completely. The guys are still around and I can see their thoughts online whenever I want (with the exception of Ray, it seems), but now I have to continue my life somewhat blindfolded because while I feel like every MCR album ever released was relatable to my life at the time it came out, now there will be no more albums to help guide the way. I feel empty, hollow, lost. And the more I think about what I had the more lost I become.

I hate how disconnected just...everything else makes me feel. With the exception of the older My Chem stuff, no music seems to thrill me anymore. I can't even turn on the radio in anticipation of hearing anything good because to me there isn't any good. To me it's just sound. I've been dealing with a great deal of nostalgia lately anyways. Missing the 90s and therefore watching a lot of TV shows from that era. Even though MCR was a part of the 2000 and later crowd, they too have suddenly become a nostalgic based item to me and that doesn't feel right. They shouldn't be something from my past. They should still be my present and future. I don't know how to let them go in order to welcome something else. I'm burdened by trying to stay strong around others because no one else gets why this is so hard for me. Then again it just proves how very little they knew me to begin with.

So here I am...trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Trying not to show how vulnerable I really am right now. It's harder than anything I've ever hard to be put through. I hope this sadness is only temporary. I hope that I can find peace or even a sliver of happiness to get me through any oncoming days. Yet the realist in me tends to doubt that I'll ever feel that way anytime soon. To My Chemical Romance: I understand why you have to go, even though I don't like it. I will always love you and your music. I will keep you close to my heart and I will quote you often. You will always be alive within me.

xoxo Susan
(I do hope that this won't be the last time I'm brought here but without a still performing band, is there a point?)