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My Chemical Romance

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MariantheLibrarian's picture
on September 2, 2019 - 6:55pm

In December, I was as suicidal as it gets. I had been planning my death since I started by bachelors in Nursing education at James Madison University. I couldn't handle the pressure and I couldn't stand the weight of my own illness. It made it hard to breathe, sitting in those classrooms. My chest would hurt and my eyes would burn, my heart would crash to the bottom of the ocean, and at the end of the day, I just wanted to lay down and text someone about how miserable I was.

With medication, I am able to continue. However, it is sad to think about how close I was to ending it. At my lowest, I had purchased all of the supplies I needed to kill myself. At my highest, I spent all of the money on my credit cards. At my most psychotic, my worst enemy was my best friend (and a chameleon).

I suppose that If I work hard, I could rise up and be average. I could responsibly manage my mental illnesses and work like a dog... I don't have to be miserable and broke. Yet, I feel so sad knowing what could have been and everything I worked for is gone.

My chemical romance is so great. I am glad to have a place where I can be sad and have people just kind of be like "yeah man, we're sad too" and not have to worry about bad vibes or judgement.

Is it possible for someone who wants to be extremely good to be so bad and out of control? I guess the answer is yes. In all of our lives we will make mistakes and lose control... I suppose the main hope is to survive.

At all costs, we must survive. #MCR #Love #suicideisnottheanswer