Skip directly to content

Kinda struggling

[{"parent":{"title":"Get on the list!","body":" Get updates from My Chemical Romance ","field_newsletter_id":"6388094","field_label_list_id":"6518500","field_display_rates":"0","field_preview_mode":"false","field_lbox_height":"","field_lbox_width":"","field_toaster_timeout":"100000000","field_toaster_position":"From Bottom","field_turnkey_height":"500","field_mailing_list_params_toast":"&autoreply=no","field_mailing_list_params_se":"&autoreply=no"}}]
Altavalon's picture
on November 29, 2019 - 7:44am

But I think I've been in denial about it for a while. So I figured I could try to open up on here. Not sure if it'll help or not but at this point it's worth a try. I went through a pretty tough rude awakening around a year ago when I thought a friend I had through the internet was being real with me and then when the truth came out I was blindsided and angry at myself more than anything because I trusted this person with a lot of personal experiences I told them. Over a period of a few more months I chose to distance myself from this person and finally just stopped reaching out to them, while also ignoring their attempts of reaching out to me.

Even before that my circle of friends/contacts on the internet was getting smaller and smaller. And now I've come to the rather daunting conclusion that I have no one to talk to anymore. I've found that connecting with anyone (either online or in my day to day life) feels pointless because I always just assume that everything they are telling me is a lie. There is no sincerity, no genuine feelings that can ever transpire. I am probably sabotaging my chances at lifelong friendships or even trying to get a relationship with someone because every time I tried to get close to anyone in the past, they've gone to ridiculous lengths to betray my trust and now I just can't do it anymore.

I know that giving up on trying will keep me safe from any more hurt devised by others, but I won't lie when I say this choice of staying to myself is really lonely and frustrating at times. I don't go out. I don't meet people. I'm very detached at my job, just doing what I need to in order to get by, even though I work in retail so I'm surrounded by people constantly. I really don't want to try to get close to people I work with because all we share in common is our work and I honestly don't enjoy their particular lifestyles.

Yes, joining something like community theatre (because I love to act) or some other type of interest that will bring like-minded people to me would be ideal and break me out of this self-deprecating mold. But after working nearly 40 hour weeks and dealing with the masses both at my job and on public transportation (nope, I don't drive and I don't care to learn...moving on), I'd rather stick my finger into an electrical socket than have more meaningless conversations with more people who at the end of the day choose not to be real with me.

Anyways, the point is, I'm struggling with just opening up and letting people in. I feel like my heart is just permanently in this cage and I can't break free from it. I want to find a way to be more open and starting here seemed right because My Chemical Romance has always been a band that gave me comfort and solace in difficult times, and I feel the fan base is no different. So please don't be a stranger. I'm just like the rest of you, probably more jaded than most at this point in my life. Comments and connections are welcome, always.