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BlueRoses's picture
on June 14, 2019 - 2:41pm

We're stranded in Merced and the dull ache in my chest hurts like theres a crack their, splitting a little deeper. I'm beginning to wonder what will come seeping out when I break.

C is sitting two seats down, he feels too far away. Like a distance is set between us because he can't understand my melancholy. Every now and then i get the fear again. Like someday I'll wake up and all the love will have drained from me, I'll be too tired, too hollow and when I look at him he won't look the same and I won't recognise him, and when that happens I won't recognise myself and I won't like myself. Still, sometimes he doesn't resemble the C i fell in love with and I probably don't resemble the me he fell in love with and it hurts. Because the feelings haven't faded and I don't ever want them to, and I can't imagine a me with no love left in her. And yet the fear lingers and it hurts my heart. This low, strange ache, like I've missed the top step in the dark of my midnight hallway, felt as though for a second the whole world had fallen away beneath ny feet, only to feel the carpet moments later, and all that's really happened is I've shocked myself, knocked the air from my lungs. And of course the air always comes flooding back, no matter how difficult it feels to breath in.

I know its not a worry I need to harbour and I know its a needless anxiety, but every now and then it takes over and paralyses me, and all the life drains from me. Its depression I'm sure, because its not just love for him which drains, its not even love but the connection, and not just a connection with him but with everyone and the entire world. I feel like I've fallen one step out of sync, everything is happened around me and to me but I've no control over any of it and no time to respond and I can't seem to feel anything about anyone. Everyone is suddenly different, distant, and I'm this shell, I'm this hollow, theres nothing where my heart should be, and nothing where my lungs should be, and when I want to move my legs and walk around they feel like they belong to someone else.