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zzombieyum's blog

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zzombieyum's picture
I've been gone for a while

Hey guys

This is just a quick update

I'm at the inpatient eating disorder hospital. Alcott.

It's not great here. Had a feeding tube but hey took it out today. Wasn't really eating but for the last 2 days I've eaten everything! I think I'm leaving on Monday or Tuesday. Either to residential or partial. Really hoping I'll step down to partial.

Xoxoz

zzombieyum's picture
my life is falling apart in front of me.

hey guys. life sucks.

we made a plan on friday for me to go into residential sometime this week. but yesterday at Tim's, i felt nauseous, weak, dizzy, shaky, tiered... its true that i hadnt eaten all day. and its true that i was refusing food.

but now im going inpatient for eating disorder treatment. the hospital. like the REAL serious hospital.

they dont have to do this to me.

basically im meant to go to the emergency room this weekend (and its Sunday) and they'll find a bed for me

i have all this paperwork to fill out for school and i just can't bring myself to do it.

zzombieyum's picture
an actual happy blog for the first time in a while!

i feel ok right now for once lol

program was difficult today. i only ate my toast and apple sauce... but then when i got home i actually had leftovers on my own and thats pretty cool! Actually kinda proud even though im kinda guilty too.

i gave myself a stick n poke near my ankle on my right leg it says "sweet pea" and actually turned out pretty okay! i went over it like three times so the lines of the letters are dark and solid. the "P" is still kinda weak but i'll fix that once it's healed a bit.

on the tattoo note, i've been emailing with the artist who did my bat tattoo on my collar

zzombieyum's picture
Waiting on weights and vitals

Just waiting to get my weight and vitals checked.

I had a dream last night that I saw chem made me happy

I ate so much of a dessert item last night and I feel really ashamed. I feel like I'm a failure and a bad person.

I'm really excited to go back to school. But I'm also so fucking terrified. I know I'm not ready and I know I'll continue to lose weight. I'm worried I'll get sicker and sicker until I'm forced to leave school. I'm scared. But I can't give up on going to school. I'll try to eat meals without counting. That's my goal. 6 apricots are not a meal anymore.

zzombieyum's picture
Dinner was hard

I've been so irritable recently and I just ate dinner at a restaurant which is really stressful because restaurant food stresses me out and my dad was taking so long to get ready to leave like he had to finish his drink and it took forever for him to finish. I didn't finish my burger but I'm so ashamed that I ate any at all. I'm sorry that I basically treat this site as an open journal. I feel shitty about that. I know you guys could just not read it if you don't like it but I still feel shitty. I just feel shitty in general because of food and my irritability.

zzombieyum's picture
.

im down to 105 pounds and im depressed

xoxoz

zzombieyum's picture
Blog from partial

Heyyy

I'm at partial rn. Just took a nap. Was so dizzy and exhausted. But they gave me Gatorade and the nap helped.

Still not really eating. Scared they'll send me to res. I don't want to go to residential. I want to go to school. I hate ED. I hate me. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I hate how this is taking me and how I am loosing control.

To put it simply,I'm not okay. I though I was okay. But now Sensing that I'm not okay.

Just got a snap from xxstraghtjacketxx. I miss seeing her on here. But I am happy we're communicating again

Still dizzy . I can't do this anymore.

zzombieyum's picture
too much to loose

heyo

its been a while! im in a partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder. i started today. was really hard... didn't even finish 25% of any of my meals or snacks.... if this continues i'll need to go into residential treatment....

BUT im feeling really motivated in this moment. i'm determined to go back to school when the dorms re-open (1/20) and NO LATER. there is no way im letting this disease take any school away from me.

I also applied to work at the glasses store, eyebobs in the mall. i met someone there who really likes it there, and she inly works one day a week!

zzombieyum's picture
hidden gems

i wonder if the guys ever go back and watch old videos of music or interviews of fan made... probably not

re discovered my 288 video long chem playlist https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLU8HT3fSiaGqeTqh1ojRrbiwhKQh4k7Ot and thought maybe id share some highlights???

gerard does a backbend like lynz - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFw3SzWwwjM&list=PLU8HT3fSiaGqeTqh1ojRrb...

idek why this one is a published video its just mikey talking about darth vador on stage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KQ2ngxwgzU&list=PLU8HT3fSiaGqeTqh1ojRrb...

gee and bob goofin

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this really happened holy shit

"im the new sheriff of emo town

so get your flat irons out

and your eyeliner ready

ARE YOU READY"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGk4-IMLTvc&list=PLU8HT3fSiaGqeTqh1ojRrb...

xoxoz

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