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punkin''s blog

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punkin''s picture
calling familiar people

we put my dog down today. he’s had a strong fight in his battle with autoimmune anemia for three years, and we made the decision to not put him through medication one more time, not any more than we already have. ive had him since i was 9, he was such a good dog. i went with my parents to have him euthanized and it was awful.
in times like this, i’d typically go to my boyfriend, reese, but he has departed indiana on a family trip. he doesn’t have a phone, so we can’t exactly text, and i haven’t spoken to him since thursday. first time we haven’t spoken since we met.

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you have a
heart like a river, eyes like a ghost town, indiana lips and tennessee hands,
youre a conglomeration of rhythm and heart, felt like bass in my bones, ricocheting off and through my ribs, sliding down my spine like a secret held tight,
i know if i help you any tighter youd collapse, but please dont push me away, any more distance than the mile from your house would send me spiraling,
and i wonder if you know i sleep in your clothes, i hold tightly to any semblance of you, souvenirs that you gave me not knowing youd never have it to yourself again,
and i wouldnt have it any other

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so there’s this band, they’re called We Love You, they’re from my town, my BF got me into them a few months ago, they’re brilliant. if you like alternative and emo music you’ll like them. a song i’d recommend is Live Together. or the song NFG. they’re both good, but Live Together is my favorite. if you like them, you should totally tell people abt them! they’re small and deserve the love.

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i spent two years breaking my own heart,
not even realizing id become more scared of me than us,
terrified that if you realize who i am before i can pull back on my mask,
youd run and hide,
leave me alone like everyone else has.

im too much, too sad, too loud, too annoying,
and youre just perfect for me,
opposites attract and if i could balance out my vices and turn them red like virtues,
pour out my secrets crimson and boiling,
maybe youd love me more than i can hate myself,

maybe you could see something just right in me.

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im sitting in puddles of prose and poems, soaked in being in love and nobody who i want to knows why we are this way, we're hurting for no apparent reason and we wallow in denial that we're not okay. i swear im okay, can i be okay for you? i want to stick around for this, to live to see myself grey to the bone, until i fade away, day by day, bit by bit, like ash, and crumble under the weight of your arms. god your arms are so small, thinner than id like you to be but perfect to me, id love you forever if youd let me, caved in together like we were meant to be, were we meant to be?

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if i could make you, i’d hope you’d make a rhythm of my rib cage, a symphony of bones, of which badly bruised but not broken,
and i think if i closed my eyes, maybe for once i’d be beautiful, maybe for once i’d imagine you being able to love someone as ugly and abhorrent as i am.
would i be pretty if you played me on repeat? i wish i could convert myself to mp3 so you wouldn’t have to see me, but then, would my insecurities shift priority?
if i asked really nicely, would you rip my vocal chords out of my throat to form a melody? i wish you could hear me scream,
i know that i’m not saying

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my ribs will crack and bones dismantle, and i know my blood will boil out my skin, melt me through like i was never here in the first place, god was i ever even real? i hate how i have to hurt to feel alive and how no matter how happy my mind is wracked with thoughts of dying and i’m holding onto the pieces of what i have, im holding on but just barely, fairly new to this world of being loved and not knowing how to handle it. take my hands away from me take my heart and make me feel whole again, the hole in my side from falling and coming alight, burning alive and god can i please just die?

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as these binds fade and close in around us i find myself wishing again, on a star or a one, an eleven, one hundred and eleven all over and over until a second turns to a minute, and a minute turns into my whole life, who said i was ever meant to live? give me a chance, breathe me alive again, maybe id spare you but a smile, maybe im fighting to stay awake through the pain, despite the efforts to say it, i know itd be easier to collapse.
did i ever tell you of how i loved you?

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yo! if you like fall out boy!!! this is for you!!!

me and my boyfriend did a cover of chicago is so two years ago today for a open mic thing we were peer pressured into doing twenty minutes before going on, and while practicing i snagged a video and posted it! i would love to see some love for his playing.

punkin&#039;'s picture

i can’t wrap myself around my mind, i’m stuck dreaming of blonde hair and eyes like a stake through the heart, i’m choking on want, i hate vulnerability, i fucking hate everything that feels like me, but i know you, i know that you love me, take my hand and let me feel something. i’m tried and tired of being numb and selling everything to people who never wanted me, you said i’m your sun and god you’re my everything, my stars and my sky and my reason to keep trying, let me stay for as long as i need, you aren’t even trying and yet you’re fixing me.