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MariantheLibrarian's blog

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My Chemical Romance

In December, I was as suicidal as it gets. I had been planning my death since I started by bachelors in Nursing education at James Madison University. I couldn't handle the pressure and I couldn't stand the weight of my own illness. It made it hard to breathe, sitting in those classrooms. My chest would hurt and my eyes would burn, my heart would crash to the bottom of the ocean, and at the end of the day, I just wanted to lay down and text someone about how miserable I was.

With medication, I am able to continue. However, it is sad to think about how close I was to ending it.

My Chemical Romance

In December, I was as suicidal as it gets. I had been planning my death since I started by bachelors in Nursing education at James Madison University. I couldn't handle the pressure and I couldn't stand the weight of my own illness. It made it hard to breathe, sitting in those classrooms. My chest would hurt and my eyes would burn, my heart would crash to the bottom of the ocean, and at the end of the day, I just wanted to lay down and text someone about how miserable I was.

With medication, I am able to continue. However, it is sad to think about how close I was to ending it.

My way home

This is an update post on my life! Woo-hoo! Who cares, right? lmao. If I have no one to talk to, it feels good to come here and express myself.

In any case, since I last posted - I departed from James Madison University. I originally had to withdraw for mental health reasons, I have a lot of genetic mental health conditions which all sprung up around the ages of 21 to 23 and completely screwed me over. I do not have to tell you what they are, they just kind of worked in tandem to cover my past triumphs in a layer of dirty soot. Like Pompeii, I have been buried.

Currently, I am attending a

Warm Waterfalls

Thanks for the cathartic opportunity to discuss the feelings I experienced growing up with a disability.

Its so funny how I grew to have a full ride scholarship and to desire to save lives.

Its so funny how I got raped by a man with herpes and the strongest sperm in the world, strong enough to withstand two doses of plan B in 24 hours.

WHAT A LIFE.

I'm your little Butterfly - The red child.

When I was a little kid, I thought that people liked me a lot. I had a ton of friends, I was pretty, and I loved to read and do school work. Sure, I had incontinence, but I wanted to fly anyway - no matter what.

Hannah and Ellie, my sisters were really mean to me growing up. I was a simple child, I did not like to think very hard - I just wanted to play. I had issues with my emotional IQ and self - awareness, like most children. My sisters made it their duty to point out my every flaw. My self hatred grew and then dissociated into the color of my childhood.

My favorite color, from the age of

Graffiti

I think it is cool that this graveyard is decorated with a little bit of graffiti (spam).

It almost makes it feel more realistic. We are all posting in a cemetery.

What heaven looks like

Heaven is an open and flourishing field. You never get hungry or tired or thirsty, but if you want to eat - food is available.

We are all children again, perfect bodies and unburdened minds. We reunite with our ancestors and will eventually meet our offspring.

A lavender field with the child I lost awaits in heaven. I can see her facing the horizon, knowing she is missing something.

When I come back for her, she will be so happy to meet me because I will be so ready for her.

I am excited to die and excited to live.

I am Ruth-less, until the day I die and earn my wings and golden ticket to

Silence

Is anyone else relieved?

Interlude
Painful stories make for Beautiful new beginnings

I was just informed that I have a scholarship in the works in Utah!

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