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just posted but i'm logging off early

on August 14, 2020 - 1:15pm

imma marathon all the toy story movies so :) toy story is my favorite pixar series, it holds a very dear place in my heart so imma probably cry tonight ha. also watching the animation develop!!! exciting

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character analysis

on August 14, 2020 - 12:09pm

i'm re-reading the first draft of a serial killer novel i wrote last year and barely remember, and i really need to talk about the main character because he is the most complex and terrible person i think i have ever created.

the story is told from his POV, like a diary sort of thing, so it really delves into what he's thinking and how he views the world. so far it's really messed up. the whole concept of this story is that it's told from the perspective of a murderer, but there are two parts to it. the first part is what leads up to it, and the second is the killings themselves.

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this is literally nonsense i just wanted to post

on August 13, 2020 - 5:05pm

- people are finally making UA s2 memes that i can laugh at, which is epic because nobody else watches that show in my family but me, it has been so sad, i've been having inside jokes with myself, thank you tumblr kids
- carrots?? have never tasted good to me. people who eat them raw are powerful, i can only have them with dip, in a salad with other things, or in a pot pie. plain carrots are hhhhhsdfhshgl get away
- my screen automatically splits when i open my computer and my wallpaper is star wars and everything is cut off except for qui-gon's face just staring it is so scary
- if the fbi

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i feel like my organs are failing

on August 12, 2020 - 9:28am

okay i've got a question for all of you. you know in the movie yesterday how the beatles don't exist and the dude basically becomes the beatles because he's a superfan? okay well 1) have you ever fantasized about that and 2) if that ever happened, which band would you be able to recreate if it was wiped from existence?

**based on how well you know the band and the songs and lyrics. this is kind of a stupid question but i know we probably all think, "man, if i could BE in this band" sometimes. so hahaha tell me what band that would be, even if it's underground or whatever.

in middle

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update on the guitar lessons thingy

on August 10, 2020 - 2:56pm

i already posted today but that other one doesn't count cuz it was sad and i am feeling better so i wanna say something.
one or two days ago, i posted about possibly teaching people to play guitar, and i have decided that I'M DOING IT. so for anyone who is interested, here's what i'm thinking in the most vague form:

1. FOR THE SAFETY OF EVERYONE i think that the best format would be a zoom call. i am certain that nobody on this website is a murderer or crazy or anything, you are all lovely and nice children, but it's more about /feeling/ safe than anything.

Pages

MY BLOG

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Friday August 14, 2020 
| Posted by: stakethevampires

imma marathon all the toy story movies so :) toy story is my favorite pixar series, it holds a very dear place in my heart so imma probably cry tonight ha. also watching the animation develop!!! exciting

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Friday August 14, 2020 
| Posted by: stakethevampires

i'm re-reading the first draft of a serial killer novel i wrote last year and barely remember, and i really need to talk about the main character because he is the most complex and terrible person i think i have ever created.

the story is told from his POV, like a diary sort of thing, so it really delves into what he's thinking and how he views the world. so far it's really messed up. the whole concept of this story is that it's told from the perspective of a murderer, but there are two parts to it. the first part is what leads up to it, and the second is the killings themselves. part one takes place in high school, part two takes place after that. but yeah i wanted to tell it in a way where you don't approve of his actions but you can sort of understand what he's doing and why, i think i did a good job with that.

this isn't going to turn into a novel, i don't think, i'm most likely going to write it as a comic book instead because that's easier for me to dedicate myself to. i also didn't even finish writing the first draft--only the majority of part one. i haven't finished reading the whole thing yet because it's LONG, almost a hundred pages, but i just gotta talk about what i've read so far because it's nuts. it's not written super well but the characters and dialogue are really interesting so idk.

okay starting the analysis now. the main character's name is phineas walker, whose first name was a joke when i first created him but then it stuck so now i can't change it. but it's fine cuz it sounds like a serial killer name. he goes by phin, as one would with a name like that. he develops shizophrenia during his late junior year, but i put a lot of emphasis on the fact that he doesn't turn out a serial killer BECAUSE of that; nobody has to kill, killing is always a choice. someone with shizophrenia isn't more likely to murder than someone without it. he killed because he is just an awful person. his mental illness was just important to contribute to this other paranormal aspect of the plot, not the murders.

i've never made an oc as awful as phin. it kinda freaked me out because i didn't remember him being /this/ bad, nor do i think i gave him a lot of these traits on purpose. i'll probably use some direct quotes from the draft because some of it . . . you'll see. imma format the rest of this in numbers to get my thoughts out easier. also anything with // around them means italics. like /this/.

1) he views platonic relationships as stupid because everyone is, according to him, predictable and self-centered. he has a hard time building relationships because he has this power complex where he's basically like, "if this friendship doesn't benefit me, we won't be friends." so like, getting close to people for personal gain. this also means manipulating people and generally not giving a shit about them even if they view him as a close friend, which is just messed up. there was this one part that i'll quote. It went, "they were not my friends. they were pawns on a chess board. /my/ chess board, specifially." and i read that and i was like, whaaaat the heck. that ain't it.

2) he doesn't take anyone's issues seriously. he is so self-centered in the way he thinks about other people that it's just insane. his two best friends are named kenny and quentin. kenny is like a bad boy, he's really tough and stuff except when he's around quentin and also his gf cuz quentin is just the sweetest kid ever. and quentin [trigger warning] struggles with some pretty bad depression, which kenny is really sensitive about, but phin just doesn't seem to care at all. this is paraphrasing, but there was this part where phin was driving kenny home after school cuz kenny doesn't have a car, and kenny goes, "dude i'm getting pretty worried about him, i think he might be c****ing himself." and phin's like, "it's just a coping mechanism, he's fine." i was like whoa i do not remember this part.

but don't worry, it gets worse. kenny is obviously upset that he said that and he's like, "but isn't that like a cry for help?? cuz no one who is in a mentally stable position would do that to themselves??" and--dear christ, trigger warning--phin says, "what's he gonna do, kill himself?" and i-

PARDON???

that really threw me off, also kinda triggered me, also just made me feel kinda sick. cuz that was just so insensitive and so awful to say. naturally kenny goes, "what the fuck is wrong with you" and phin is like "nothing, i just don't think we need to get involved, he can figure it out on his own, it's not like he wants to talk about it anyway" which makes sense but is still kind of icky and kenny's like "don't ever talk about quentin killing himself what the actual fuck" and phin's like "okay sorry".

so yeah that scene really just . . . yikes.

3) phin is kinda sadistic???? his wandering into murder territory starts with torturing spiders, keeping a knife in his drawer for no reason, fantasizing about murder, and getting addicted to a gore website, and then killing squirrels. and squirrels to humans, wow a big jump, but that's just what happens. i never made it to the human part when i wrote this, but i did go through the other stages. and it was really messed up how casually those thoughts were written down.

he just likes watching things suffer. he likes the idea of revenge. there are a couple times when his mom or kenny or someone would say something, and he wouldn't say anything but he would think, "it's fine because they're going to pay for that later." which is just so creepy and ominous. i don't like it at all. he just likes being evil, he likes being in control, he gets angry very easily, and he absolutely hates it when someone says no to him. it's really disgusting, and honestly really scary.

4) OKAY THIS IS MAINLY WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE IT'S SO AWFUL AND GENUINELY MADE ME SCARED AND UPSET. how phin treats quentin is 100% not okay at all. for context, kenny, quentin and phin usually sit behind a stairwell for lunch instead of the cafeteria. but kenny's gf is popular so she invited kenny to the popular lunch table when they start dating and he tells phin and quentin they should sit with him. phin ends up getting along with everyone but quentin's like "uhh i don't wanna sit here cuz i am uncomfortable too much social interraction no thanks" so doesn't eat lunch there after that point in time. later, quentin comes out to phin as gay but he's scared his parents won't accept him so he's like "don't tell anybody". and phin's chill with it so he's like "k cool". but then this homophibic piece of shit is like "lol is ur other friend a f**" referring to quentin, kenny makes this joke that is fairly harmless, he's like "idk but i'm pretty sure phin's gay for him" not being serious obviously but then phin, to defend quentin's honor, is like "neither of us are gay hahahaha" then turns to this girl he became friends with and goes "guess what i have a crush on you". so now he's secret dating quentin and fake dating this other girl who is really nice and also she has no idea that she's being used, like she genuinely likes phin so that's just a really shitty move on phin's part for not even telling her. that was a lot but it's very important.

k there was this one scene that i hated where phin was in art class and quentin was sitting next to him. i can't remember all the way, but he was like, "i'm working on something and it's very important to me and um um um would you want to help me with it because i think it would be fun." all hopeful and stuff, and phin's like, "eh, i don't think so." i was like, whhhat. that is so mean. and quentin's just like, "oh. okay." and um yes my heart is broken now ugh quentin is so wholesome and a sweetheart and i am so saaad.

the day that quentin comes out to phin and is like "i have had a crush on you for a long time" is wild. he's at phin's house when it happens, it's kinda cute ngl but then it turns bad because phin is way more ready to get intense than quentin is. like they start kissing and stuff, which quentin is okay with, and phin is on top of him so keep that in mind. phin starts getting slightly more agressive and quentin is like "okay jeez hold on" and it gets to a point where phin fuckin slides his hand underneath quentin's sweater in a way that's just way too sexual and quentin is like "aksjfgsgf stop stop stop" and phin's like "nah it's fine it's fine" and quentin is like "nononono stop STOP" and he has to fuckin push him off a little, but phin is still on top of him, in a position where he's kinda holding him down which is just nasty. but wait, there's more. there's this awful few lines that go, "there was something in his eyes, maybe fear, that gave me a sudden rush. i was still on top of him, holding him down. i could do whatever i wanted to him." that scene scared me so bad even though i knew phin wasn't actually going to do anything to him. dear god. hhhhhh nasty

phin manipulates him so much, this relationship is so fuckin toxic even though they both do like each other a lot but phin just has issues idk. cuz after that, quentin explains that the idea of a relationship is really new to him and scares him a little, and he starts to rethink this whole thing. phin's like "you're kinda making a big deal out of this it doesn't even matter, but i guess you don't have to if you don't like me". this bitch actually trying to make QUENTIN feel guilty after the shit he just pulled. i can't. and quentin is submissive, he doesn't like speaking up, so he's just like, "i'm sorry, i do like you, i guess we can still do this as long as you don't tell anyone." and phin's like "i like you too, we can take it slow." and he tried to kiss him again but quentin's like "no, not right now" and phin gets really annoyed that he won't cooperate but doesn't say anything.

lol if you thought it gets worse from there you are correct. so he never told quentin that he's fake dating that girl (her name is bee so i'll just call her that from now on). but quentin finds out because bee is popular so news spreads, and he's in class with phin and he's like, "you're dating someone??" and phin's like "yeah it's not real, i only like /you/. i just did it so no one would find out." and he's a little anxious, he says, "you can't just . . . do that. you didn't even tell me. and won't you have to go on dates and stuff with her? is she in on it? cuz that's not a good thing to do if she isn't." and phin, shifting the blame, is like, "you're making this way more complicated than it actually is. i don't like her, i like you." and quentin's kinda upset so he says, "it doesn't really feel like that." and there's this thought phin has that talks about how quentin is too attached to him to get out of the relationship even if phin is mean to him which, holy shit dude, that is horrible. phin says, "why do you have to be so insecure about everything? if you weren't so clingy it would be really easy to understand." that makes quentin feel like shit, obviously, but then phin goes, "look, i just want you to know that i'm doing this all for you." and quentin is like "okay. i'm sorry." phin's like "i forgive you". that made me really mad. so uh.

but he gets caught up in the fake relationship, like he's trying to make it as real as possible, and bee actually likes him so he has to sit at the lunch table with her every day and hang out with her and stuff. so where does that leave quentin? by himself. phin has this bullshit excuse that he doesn't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to. but then he sorta starts to realize that he's been a piece of shit and needs to spend time with him. so he catches him in the hallway and is like "i'm sitting with you today". so they do. there was this one line that got me, it was when they arrived behind the stairs and quentin's like, "we haven't done this in awhile." and phin realized it's been over a month since he last ate lunch with quentin. so phin asks where he's been eating lunch, and quentin's like "oh uhh, the bathroom stalls . . ." phin feels really bad. like he's finally realizing how shitty he's been treating him. he's like, "i'm really really sorry." quentin's like, "it's okay." and they just sit together, not saying anything, and it's so depressing that i legit wanted to cry.

k lastly, trigger warning on this one cuz yikes. it's only a day or two later when quentin tried calling phin a bunch of times but he doesn't pick up because he's delusional and thinks that it's the fbi. so quentin leaves a message that phin only listens to a couple of hours later, at which point quentin is already dead. and . . . i read the part where phin wrote down the entire voicemail because he had memorized it word for word. and it was for real the saddest thing ever like i actually cried. there was this bit at the beginning where he was trying to explain himself but couldn't and that just ripped my heart to shreds uggghhhh. also him talking about kenny gets more heartbreak points, but it was just hhhh so sad. and the end where he tells phin that he loves him even if it ends up meaning nothing to him so yes um my heart is completely gone now?? thank you, freshman self, for killing my emotions today i am not exaggerating when i tell you that reading it actually made me cry real tears. but yeah, quentin committed suicide and i just, idk, i really . . . it did some damage cuz suicide is a touchy subject for me and reading that, even though he's a fictional character, reading him go through that was just really hard for me to endure so idk might be stupid but like lol just my thoughts.

5) there are some good parts to phin, which makes this really conflicting. because he really does care about some quentin. he's capable of being a normal kid, and when he is, i'm just like "man, if he wasn't terrifying i would really like this character." he's introverted, he wants to be an artist, he's kinda awkward, friendly, a general dork, like there are a lot of good qualities, but then he just . . . gets gradually worse until his redeeming qualities are gone. rip good phin. now there is only evil phin. there was this one part where he's writing about quentin and uhh here's the quote idk. but uh this just made me h u r t so yes. here is part of it.

"quentin hasn't been feeling so good lately. i can tell by the way he draws. when he's sad, sometimes he'll just stare at a blank page for a while and draw nothing. sometimes he'll tear old pages out. sometimes he'll draw something, look at it, and get so frustrated that he almost cries. but i think today is one of the luckier days, where he fills a whole two pages and shows them to you, explaining every single detail with such enthusiasm that he's practically glowing. i think those are the best days. i wish i could see those more often."

idk this might just be emotional for me because uhh depression sucks??? and i really like this character and this just shows how he's sad most of the time and hhhh he deserves the world i am sad.

6) his ride into crazy town is a rough one. the parts where he's delusional are probably the best parts of the whole thing because i'm reading it like, "dude, your thought process makes absolutely no sense but i am able to understand how you made those connections so idk". he thinks the fbi is after him, he thinks he's supposed to kill this one kid (he doesn't end up doing it, thank god), he eats a frog, an entire raw fucking frog, he thinks that [trigger warning] quentin's suicide wasn't actually a suicide but something the fbi staged when they actually murdered him. and THAT. that does not sit well with kenny at all. that actually causes kenny to be like, "i am not going to be your friend anymore if you keep doing this crazy shit." good for him, honestly. except maybe not cuz

7) phin kills kenny, his first victim ohhh no. and that really sucks because kenny already had it rough, you really just had to stab him and smash his head open. kenny cared about phin even after he lost his mind, and--okay writing this is honestly making me sad because he did not deserve to die at all. god, his death scene tears at my heart because he's clinging to life on the floor of phin's bedroom, and he's just so fucking sad that phin had to turn out this way, not even angry at him or anything, just . . . heartbroken. he had to watch quentin get worse and worse without being able to do anything about it, he had to watch phin lose his mind, and even though phin wasn't dead, he had still lost him, both of them, the only two people that he really, really cared about. and how fucking sad that is.

he asked him, dying, why he did it, why he stabbed him. and phin said, "people will always try to blame it on something, say it's because i'm crazy or because i wasn't raised right. but there aren't any excuses. i'm killing you because i want to. i'm killing you because . . . i'm evil." and kenny, instead of telling him he sucks, to fuck off, to go to hell, that he hates him, he just looks at him as says, "you're not evil, phin." he does a lot of things with those words. he forgives him. he tells him he's okay. he tells him that it doesn't have to be this way, that there's still hope for him, there's still a chance for it to turn his life around. but they both know that he's too far gone to turn back. phin looks at him, and kenny sees, for the first time in what seems like forever, the old phin. not the monster, but his best friend. he sees, for a brief moment, the humanity in his eyes, the sorrow, the loss. and they look at each other for a second, communicating everything that they wished they had said to each other through a single glance. they say they're sorry, and they say goodbye. then the old phin is gone, and the new one--the evil one--slams the bookend down on his head. kenny's limbs spasm, and then he's dead. and so is phin.

that got way too poetic at the end my bad. but thinking about it just made me real emotional cuz, idk, empathy or something, something that phin doesn't have much of oop. but that's mostly what i wanted to get out. if you read this why?? but also thank you ig cuz this took me way too long to write ha

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Thursday August 13, 2020 
| Posted by: stakethevampires

- people are finally making UA s2 memes that i can laugh at, which is epic because nobody else watches that show in my family but me, it has been so sad, i've been having inside jokes with myself, thank you tumblr kids
- carrots?? have never tasted good to me. people who eat them raw are powerful, i can only have them with dip, in a salad with other things, or in a pot pie. plain carrots are hhhhhsdfhshgl get away
- my screen automatically splits when i open my computer and my wallpaper is star wars and everything is cut off except for qui-gon's face just staring it is so scary
- if the fbi is watching us then they've gotta multitask or else that would mean half the population is working for the fbi, right? they've gotta be in a room full of screens and watch a dozen people at once
- 33% of humanity has depression or anxiety yet 100% of the people on this website do HAHAHA i'm sorry
- i keep thinking about that fbi thing, that can't be real, that exceeds all logic
- yet i choose to believe in aliens
- blast aliens exist by blink-182 i know every word to that song f-f-f-fight me
- yikes i'm fasting secular music for three weeks cuz christianity and it is so hard, i must confess i am weak and listened to the light behind your eyes two days ago it is r o u g h
- but dc talk is the best christian band in the whole universe i could just listen to that one band for three weeks straight
- duuuude back to the blink-182 thing my sister's talking about their most recent album like "i've got this one song in my head" and i was like "why do you like that album so much?" because it's not their best and she's like "wow you really don't have good taste if you don't like it" and i
- am about
- to lose it
- this is stupid but i need to vent for a second because she's acting like she loves blink when i have been listening to them for waaaay longer than she has, same thing with weezer, the only reason she listens to either of those bands is BECAUSE of me, she always does dumb shit like that and it pisses me off, like i can't like a band without her tainting it and acting like she's better than me just because she listens to it too, but she really doesn't understand how important weezer and blink are to me because they are in my top 3 favorite bands of all time and got me through a lot of shit and it just really bothers me when she acts like she's a bigger fan and knows everything, and the deep-rooted issue is the fact that if she likes the same stuff as me, and if she starts dressing the way i dress, then what am i here for, she's like the better version of me, and it makes me feel like i can be easily replaced, and this! is why my depression has gotten worse holy shit. not her fault, i just have emotional issues.
- i need to read more ::::( my book is 800 pages i am only on 200
- my computer has a time limit so fckin annoying
- me being like "yes i am christian i love the lord" also cursing and being not straight this is wonderful i am not good example
- my dog is barking i should log off
- good night

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Wednesday August 12, 2020 
| Posted by: stakethevampires

okay i've got a question for all of you. you know in the movie yesterday how the beatles don't exist and the dude basically becomes the beatles because he's a superfan? okay well 1) have you ever fantasized about that and 2) if that ever happened, which band would you be able to recreate if it was wiped from existence?

**based on how well you know the band and the songs and lyrics. this is kind of a stupid question but i know we probably all think, "man, if i could BE in this band" sometimes. so hahaha tell me what band that would be, even if it's underground or whatever.

in middle school, i was a twenty one pilots superfan. i still remember the lyrics to every single song in vessel, blurryface, trench, and like 90% of the self titled as well as most of regional at best. i can also play a lot of their songs on my uke and keyboard, so realistically i could probably recreate most of their songs. but also i really wanna do something in the rock genre and with top i wouldn't get to use my guitar cuz that isn't their vibe.

my second-best bet would be weezer or oasis because first of all i love the sound of both. lemme be honest i could not do something like mcr because while i know the majority of their songs by heart i do not have enough range to sing helena unless it's like the acoustic version or i change it up.
and yeah weezer doesn't require you do be amazing at singing, it's just a vibe. but i'd only do blue album, pinkerton, green album, and white album because the other ones are kinda just, they just, they aren't that good not gonna lie. and oasis is really good and gives me feels so that would also be very fun to play and sing, but i don't really know how to play like anything except for wonderwall and the first few seconds of some might say so uhh maybe not ha.

but uhh yes hahaha if yesterday became real and wiped a band from existence, which band would you want it to be? kinda stupid but haha i thought it would be interesting to hear your thoughts.

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Monday August 10, 2020 
| Posted by: stakethevampires

i already posted today but that other one doesn't count cuz it was sad and i am feeling better so i wanna say something.
one or two days ago, i posted about possibly teaching people to play guitar, and i have decided that I'M DOING IT. so for anyone who is interested, here's what i'm thinking in the most vague form:

1. FOR THE SAFETY OF EVERYONE i think that the best format would be a zoom call. i am certain that nobody on this website is a murderer or crazy or anything, you are all lovely and nice children, but it's more about /feeling/ safe than anything. i want this to be a comfortable experience for everyone, and since none of us have actually met, i think zoom is the best option because nobody would have to give strangers their phone numbers or emails. i'll also create rules for the zoom chat to make sure it's successful but i'll do that later whenever it's closer to the actual meeting. if there's the possibility that your parents walk in during the lesson or something then just say i go to your school or if you're in middle school say i'm [ instert made-up person's ] older sister who knows how to play guitar, idk, again, we'll get into specifics later.

2. TIME. i think that depends on everyone's schedule, but it definitely won't be this week, maybe in 1-2. i'm not sure what day it would be. maybe on a sunday, because i'm not online on saturdays and some of you will probably be busy with school over the week days unless we plan it so that it takes place after you're finished with work?? i know we're all at home so it'll be a little easier but please share when you'll be available so i can set a date. i would expect it to be around an hour, maybe shorter, maybe longer, idk.

3. there won't be many people on this call, i don't think, but honestly if anyone just wants to say hello who doesn't wanna learn guitar then be my guest haha. there won't be more than ten people. maybe not even five. but i think that will make it a more comfortable and personalized environment where everyone gets the chance to play or whatever.

4. AIGHT THE LESSON. this will be a rhythm guitar lesson because it's easier to learn rhythm at the beginning than lead. i might go over some scales though depending on . . . idk i haven't actually made the lesson in detail. but expect to learn about different chords. the basics of guitar . . . uhh what all the parts are called, some of the notes on the fretboard. but uh i was also thinking i could teach you a song, maybe like . . . bulletproof heart or mama (maybe just a certain part of it cuz it might be too hard at first) or some other MCR song since that's at least one band that all of us like. i also think it would be super sick, like a "whoa, i feel i'm in a rock band" experience if at the end we went through the whole song and i could play the lead part at the same time while you guys play rhythm, because that's also a really good skill to have, keeping rhythm while the other band members play a completely different part as you (which honestly i need to get better at, too lol). all-in-all, i just want this to be really fun. here are my song suggestions, you can vote or something, maybe we could learn more than one.

MCR (based on songs i already know how to play / sorta know how to play haha but i can learn whatever other ones you suggest):
- romance [ more on the difficult side but very very pretty ]
- our lady of sorrows
- demolition lovers
- helena (so long & goodnight)
- i'm not okay (i promise)
- the light behind your eyes [ acoustic! mostly a repetition of the same few chords so might not be the most exciting, but definitely a song you can learn easily and sing along to ]
- mama
- teenagers [ a bit difficult but very fun ]
- bulletproof heart

OTHER:
- stage 4 fear of trying by frnkiero and the cellabrations [ very fun, very very fun to play ]
- literally any song by green day
- any song by blink-182
- any song by weezer, like island in the sun or buddy holly, those are fun fun fun
- yeah i can't think of specifics that you'd be particularly interested in but you can always suggest your own!!!

anyway that's all hehehe excitement 100

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Monday August 10, 2020 
| Posted by: stakethevampires

do yourself a favor and don't read this.

i don't think it really hit me until right now that school is a reality. my school starts either late august or early september, i can't remember which, but i hadn't really thought about how close it was until right now, right at this moment, reading posts about some of you who are already starting school. and if you are excited about school, then good for you. you probably do not want to read anything i write after this paragraph. i don't want to discourage anyone or make anyone dread school if they're looking forward to it. i am glad that some people have a positive attitude about school, and i hope that said people do have a really good school year.

with that being said, school is a fucking shitshow. the school i go to fucking sucks. there are too many people. any friends i started to make switched out of my classes because our fucking schedule changes for no fucking reason after winter break which, mind you, is only seven days long. i do not like school. school has never been a positive experience for me. school makes me want to blow my brains against my bedroom window. learning? cool. but the environment of school is horrible.

i am probably the most intensely introverted person i know, to the extent that even if i like a person platonically and they invite me to eat lunch with them, i will say no because i do not want to be around anyone except for that single person. ninety percent of my school population is a bunch of assholes. you think you meet someone nice, turns out they suck. and everyone already knew each other from the two middle schools that formed my high school. nobody wanted to make any more friends. you'd think that being a freshman would make it easier to get to know people because everyone was new. that was not true. so i just thought, fuck it, i don't need friends. because honestly, any time i did make friends, it sucked.

if i am in a situation where i befriend more than three people, i feel so incredibly overwhelmed that i will sometimes take a day to shut myself off from them. i end up getting attatched to a single person rather than being loosely befriended to a bunch of them. i like the idea of making friends, but as soon as i do i want to be alone. not because i don't like the person, but because i feel like i'm the most shitty friend in the universe for either being clingy or not talking to them enough. my friend from fifth grade is amazing, but we don't live in the same state anymore. i want to be better at staying in touch, but for some reason i just can't. i hate the fact that she's always the one to text me first, and i wonder a lot if she gets offended or discouraged by the fact that i'm never the one to message her. i think about her all the time, but what's the point of that if we never talk? i mean, we do talk, but it's not every single day. my doctor even asked me if we talked every day as if that was what i was supposed to do, and i just felt so terrible. and it's a really shitty thing to think, but sometimes i wish we had never stayed in touch so that i didn't have room to ruin anything. but i can't do that. it would suck. and anyway, i like her a lot, and i don't want to lose someone like that.

summer is always fine. i feel okay during the summer, but once school starts, my mood drops so far down so quickly that it's honestly kind of scary. but i never tell anyone.

i choose to deal with shit on my own because it's not anyone's job as my friend to make me feel better. i don't make friends so that i feel good about myself. i make friends because i like them as a person. the fact that their presence lights up my day is just an added bonus. it's a shit thing to do to put all of your emotional burdens on someone else. i haven't ever told any of my friends about depression or whatever. of course i've said the occasional "school sucks" or, on the more extreme side, "if i'm not dead by the end of the year i'm burning this school to the ground" which i obviously don't mean, and i've only said that once in my life, but for the most part, if i'm in a bad mood, i pretend i'm not when i'm around my friends. i like to take on the role of being the positive one if nobody else is because i feel like everyone needs that, which is so fucking ironic considering my state of mind. they don't know what i'm going through, and for me, that's a good thing. because even if i did bring anything up, they wouldn't know how to respond. it's not anyone's problems but my own. anyone who wanted to be my friend did not sign up for the therapist job as well. that's not what friends are for. so who do i tell? my parents? fuck no. my sister? yeah, that's funny.

my parents don't understand. i know that's stupid and cliche to say, but it's true. they don't think it's a big deal. any time i say anything, they brush it off, so i just stopped talking. if the question of therapy comes up, they always say it's a good idea but never go through with it. and that's fine, i don't want a therapist, anyway. i hate talking about things, it's just awful. but my mom says no to medication because god is the answer to everything. maybe, but that doesn't mean pills don't work, mom. i would kill for a fucking tic tac that would send happy chemicals to my brain. that sounds a lot more fucking easy than talking to some old christian lady about how i would've killed myself last october if my chemical romance hadn't gotten back together the day after i formed a plan and wrote a note. how fucking stupid is that? everything has gotten worse, the days where i'm miserable have fewer happy days in between, and i don't know what to do with myself. the question of suicide has made itself a lot more apparent within the past few months. i've been having nightmares about school, and any time i talk about anything nobody cares, nobody responds, nobody fucking hears me, like is it too much to ask for you to just sit there and listen for two fucking seconds?

i'm starting to get sick of the whole "well if you look at it this way" and "you don't suck, you're amazing" automatic response that come out of people when someone spills their guts about suicide and shit. validation is not something that makes me feel better. i know it does for some people, but not for me. if someone tells me that they appreciate me, i throw that right out the window. it makes me more irritated than anything, because it's supposed to make me feel better, and it simply doesn't. please let me hate the world in peace.

it's fucked because sometimes i like the feeling of being miserable. i feel like that separates me from everyone else. like i see the world differently. i'm more observant. and i'm so used to it that i don't even want to get better. because then what? everything would change. this has been going on for almost three years. i can't imagine life without everything sucking. without staying awake at night and not having enough energy to do things i love. not having an appetite or eating when i'm not hungry because that's the only thing i can do with myself. talking too much or completely shutting down. no one noticing, no one caring. but that's not it. i don't enjoy being miserable. of course i don't. this sucks. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i think the truth is that i want a reason to kill myself. i want to get worse. i want something terrible to happen so that i can say, "there it is, this is why i'm so fucking miserable, i can finally blame it on something. goodbye world, i'm out." i swear to god, if i had access to a gun at any point between seventh grade and now, i would've been long gone. but i don't, and the details of suicide scare me because i don't know how i would even do it. but maybe i'll become desperate. i don't know. i guess i'll just have to wait and see.