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Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture

if the world is ending or whatever

on August 15, 2020 - 12:16am

i thought i should get some stuff out

first off you lot have been the most amazing, accepting, friendly, caring, attentive group of people ive ever met, even though i havent met any of you in reality just what you show on here online

youve been with me through so much and its incredible because until i had this site i didnt have the support and assistance i needed to live. I do now and its amazing how much my life has changed.

ive almost had an anxiety attack four or five times tonight. Dont watch salad fingers if youre triggered by.... anything? yeah.

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture

ready for the fucking world to end (trigger warninnngggg lol) deadname is *** out

on August 13, 2020 - 4:40pm

im stressed as fuck
i really dont want to go to school again
its not even in person we have bell schedules so i have to get up at at least 8 and be in a class zoom call or sum for 20 minutes at least and the teachers take roll and shit
im so fucking tired
my body hurts
my head feels like its filled with cotton
my stomach feels kinda pukey
i need water but i dont want to get up
i still have a painting i want to finish before school on monday
i have to go to a doctors appointment tomorrow to hopefully get adhd meds because i cant focus for fuckin shit
i have to go pickup my art stuff from the

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture

i just realized something and i can never fukin unsee it

on August 11, 2020 - 11:53pm

ok so we know andy biersack right? hot as fuck

ok so idk if yall have heard of the tiktoker and twitch streamer Sybil Kappert
shes a lesbian
also hot as fuck

SHE IS THE FEMALE VERSION OF ANDY BIERSACK I KID YOU NOT

LIKE LOOK HER UP AND TELL ME SHE IS NOT THE GINGER FEMALE VERSION OF ANDY BIERSACK

I cant unsee that
fuck

well

yeah
shit
idk

imma go to bed before i like find the cure to existence or something

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture

Carolyn by bvb (the remastered version ofc)

on August 11, 2020 - 11:41pm

ive listened to it on repeat for four hours so uh
idk what that means but yeah

im vibing

(recaptcha gave me a pic of a fire hydrant and said "select all squares with a bicycle" like uhhhhh what)

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture

fuuuuuuuuccckkkkk beiinnnnggg aaaffaaaaabbbbbbb

on August 11, 2020 - 4:21pm

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*incomprehensible abdomen pain + dysphoria noises*
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Pages

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Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture
Saturday August 15, 2020 
| Posted by: Micah_Cyanide-Heart

i thought i should get some stuff out

first off you lot have been the most amazing, accepting, friendly, caring, attentive group of people ive ever met, even though i havent met any of you in reality just what you show on here online

youve been with me through so much and its incredible because until i had this site i didnt have the support and assistance i needed to live. I do now and its amazing how much my life has changed.

ive almost had an anxiety attack four or five times tonight. Dont watch salad fingers if youre triggered by.... anything? yeah. i cleaned out a part of my room and found old memories that id rather leave burried but now theyre out and in my mind and i wish i hadnt cleaned.

im so fucking lonely physically like i might be asexual if im thinking about like asexual and panromanting becuase god do i love physical contact but shit do i not like it like that like i cant even try to do anything othe than kiss thats it but like cuddling and hugging and laying on each other and sleeping with my head on someones chest or legs or shoulder that is what i need. And i dont get that. Apparently thats normal in my friend groups but i was raised to where that was pretty fucking foreign so now im just thisf ucked up attention and contact whore whos too scared to actually initiate any physical contact

i wish i had my phone so i could text max and tell them how much i really like them but its like 130 and im anxious as fuck and my phones in my moms room as it always has to be at night because trust doesnt exist for whatever fokin reason

goddamitt i didnt want this to be a rant post im sorry

but like i love you guys so much, platonically. Like if i could meet you without any risks of anything be it virus or money or physical harm or whatever i would becaue you have been there for me and i thank you.

Thank you for being here.

Im going to go to sleep, or try to, and hope that i wake up tomorrow to a normal world and it doesnt end.

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture
Thursday August 13, 2020 
| Posted by: Micah_Cyanide-Heart

im stressed as fuck
i really dont want to go to school again
its not even in person we have bell schedules so i have to get up at at least 8 and be in a class zoom call or sum for 20 minutes at least and the teachers take roll and shit
im so fucking tired
my body hurts
my head feels like its filled with cotton
my stomach feels kinda pukey
i need water but i dont want to get up
i still have a painting i want to finish before school on monday
i have to go to a doctors appointment tomorrow to hopefully get adhd meds because i cant focus for fuckin shit
i have to go pickup my art stuff from the school tomorrow too
shit i forgot about most of that
a lot of its mcr related tbh lol

i kinda have an impulse to ...... something not good
its barely there but i think its just because stress and shit
fuck that no im not gonna break the streak three days before the one year mark

my homophobic friend's mom complained because "my hairs so short, i mean im okay with the color but why did you have to shave your head?" because i fucking hate myself XD
because my brain says im a guy but i have tits and a vagina and people want me to put on makeup because im "so pretty" which is complete bullshit im ugly and fat and i have resting depressed-piece-of-shit face and i have the poker face people would die for when it comes to fake smiles and "oh yeah im fine"

fuck
and i dont want to talk to people about it i just want to scream it out and then have no one else tell me anything
just let me be this
let me scream it out, into the void and let the void eat it like i eat fucking constantly because im fat and stupid

i cant look down at all or i have another chin
i cant tilt my head normally without it being obvious that i have a double chin ready and waiting
i cant wear nice clothes because they dont fit me right or because they look weird with my fucking tits because whatever shit is controlling the world gave me double ds or wahtever the fuck i have
i hate my body

i hate myself

but im not gonna take myself out, hell no im too fucking lazy for that
ill just sit and wait here for trump to piss off the right people and cause a nuclear war
did you know that my state was home to the test site of the first nuclear bomb? i hope they do it again, this time in my town
everyone still thinks im a slut for god or something
i still go to church but only because thats the only place i can hang out with people
its too much to ask my mom if i can go somewhere because we usually end up screaming at each other
i cant have people over because theres no fucking privacy and why the fuck would i want someone else to see my room?
the only person whos house i can go to is my homophobic, racist "best friend's" house where theyd fucking kick me out or maybe evem hurt me if they knew all the shit i havent told them
and to think at one point i was going to tell them
i did a thing one time where i got pissed as fuck at school and put tape over my mouth for the day, using a blank google doc on my laptop to communicate. My teachers didnt mind it because thats one less annoying shit to deal with interrupting me.
the other kids laughed and asked what the fuck was wrong with me and i just stared at them while my anger stewed inside of me, and i ended up writing some nice poems about killing the bully and drowning and dying in a sudden fire. Some of my teachers were worried but some didnt give a fuck because oh thats just how m**** is, sometimes she does that, shes an interesting student

no
im fucked up thats what i am
im a fucked up degenerate who would have gladly died in wwii by gas chamber
im a fucked up degenerate who thinks its fun to throw knives at walls and break things, mine or not
im a fucked up degenerate whos ready for the world to fucking end

well theres a nice deep dive into my mind
ill be fine by bedtime (which is 10 pm now that schools back) who gives a shit that i can legally move out in two years i still have to obey the rules set by my parents that only apply to me because theyre too fucking lazy to parent my sister into being a normal fucking kid instead of whatever the fuck you want to call a kid who growls when she gets pissed or annoyed or slightly inconvenienced and hisses at me when i tell her to do something.
I dont give a shit if thats what normal kids do shes growing up physically but her mentality is still the same

fuck all of this shit im going to go paint and hopefully not fuck it up since its taken me almost all week just to do as much as i have done

hope yall dont get too worried about me

well at least someone would be

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture
Tuesday August 11, 2020 
| Posted by: Micah_Cyanide-Heart

ok so we know andy biersack right? hot as fuck

ok so idk if yall have heard of the tiktoker and twitch streamer Sybil Kappert
shes a lesbian
also hot as fuck

SHE IS THE FEMALE VERSION OF ANDY BIERSACK I KID YOU NOT

LIKE LOOK HER UP AND TELL ME SHE IS NOT THE GINGER FEMALE VERSION OF ANDY BIERSACK

I cant unsee that
fuck

well

yeah
shit
idk

imma go to bed before i like find the cure to existence or something

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture
Tuesday August 11, 2020 
| Posted by: Micah_Cyanide-Heart

ive listened to it on repeat for four hours so uh
idk what that means but yeah

im vibing

(recaptcha gave me a pic of a fire hydrant and said "select all squares with a bicycle" like uhhhhh what)

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture
Tuesday August 11, 2020 
| Posted by: Micah_Cyanide-Heart

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*incomprehensible abdomen pain + dysphoria noises*
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Micah_Cyanide-Heart's picture
Saturday August 08, 2020 
| Posted by: Micah_Cyanide-Heart

it feels like the countdown to Return all over again

But this time much more sinister

I really dont know whats coming.

oh and recent word says somethings coming the 27th too so the end aint here just yet