i have two tests on monday . im so not prepared . i did get a really good grade in a writing assignment in public speaking though!!
im so hungry . and tiered .
got a text from an old friend from the hospital i was in in april! so thats cool . we write letters to each other because we are cute as fuck .
got to study but so tiered . also think my kettle is broken . its been making weird sounds when i boil water . i need hot water so bad though, for coffee .
xoxoz
back from the hospital... agian
I ODed on alcohol. was unconscious in the ER for 5 hours... all im gonna say is im going sober for a little while. no weed. no booze. no nothing. should actually be kind of difficult...
anyways just wanted to update you on where i was.
xoxoz
it's 4:36am
talked to my therapist on the phone.
he basically said if i dont text him by noon tomorrow that im ok hes going to have someone find me to make sure
thanks but w o w
i drank as much as i could before T asked me to stop.
i kind of wanted it all to end. but im pretty non commital with that stuff so i couldnt make up my mind.
i just want the risk of ending everything. but i dont want to know 100% for sure that i will end everything.
you know?
actually i hope you dont.
my stomach hurts
i blame the vodka.
xoxoz
but we all know that that isn't going to happen, don't we....
(the pros and cons of breathing - fall out boy)
xoxoz
I'm stressed and depressed
Did something stupid. T and I got in a fight. I really just wanted to be comforted. But that didn't work out. Now I'm worried we won't even be friends ever again...
I don't really care about a sexual or romantic relationship. I just want to go back to being friends. He's my best friend here and that's not something I want to lose.
I literally ugly/hysterically/scream cried from like 9:00-11:00. I called my therapist and we talked for for 45 mins and that was really helpful.
I wish I hadn't given T the link to here. I don't usually do that. I just really trusted him. I really prefer to keep the site private because I feel safe here. The MCRmy is my family. And I feel really exposed when people from the outside come into this part of my life, you know? Like this is practically a diary. No one knows this site exists except for the MCRmy. And not even all killjoys know about it.
I want to talk to T about being friends again but I know he hates me know and how do you start a conversation like that with someone who hates you?? I really do need to talk about this though ...
I was there for him a few weeks ago. I really tried to help and show him I care. I just wanted him to do the same for me.
Anyways I need to go to my jazz history class.
Love you guys
Xoxoz
Now I'm starting to develop feelings for M. She's in my English class. What the fuck is wrong with me why am I such a loser whore.
I still like T but I feel like we are fading. That makes me sad. I mean we still cuddled last night. But we don't do much else ....
M put her arm around me today on the way back from class. Friendly or flirty? Made me feel good regardless.
I feel like I'm crushing on everyone. What's wrong with me? I feel like this is normal behavior for college but I can't help feeling ashamed about it.
Xoxoz
