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Discharge + Goodbye Letter

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chpeverill-conti's picture
on June 2, 2016 - 1:11pm

Today at my program I found out I'm discharging to Intense Out Patient (three evenings a week, 3 hour group therapy) on Tuesday!
In group today we wrote letters saying goodbye to our eating disorders.I actually like mine and feel like it helped, so thought I'd share it with you guys.

Eating Disorder,
I've been with you since 7th grade. I knew what was happening, but was much too in love with the ways you made me feel to care that you were hurting me.You started making me feel fat and told me I couldn't eat at school. That was just the beginning. Had I known what you'd do to me in years to come, I would have intervened.
You'd make me feel safe. You made me feel like I was helping myself. You made me feel brave. You made me feel in control. You made me drop pounds. You made me addicted to the scale. You made me feel triumphant, but at a cost. You made me rise, proud, then tumble when I realized the cost. You made me feel strong when I was really sick.
The other week I was going to go to the Youth Pride Parade. a celebration of me being me. I would meet new friends and talk to cool people. But you told me no. I begged you to change, to let me be with my friends. But you said I wasn't allowed to eat around all those people. Even if it was just Marie and myself. You said I didn't deserve it anyways. You said I don't deserve the free hugs and kisses. The marching. The chanting. But now I know that that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.
You have taken so many opportunities from me. I almost had to go to impatient at alcott because of you. Went to residential because of you. Missed a month and a half of school because of you. I've become unhealthy because of you. You stopped me from living my life and I deserve more. I love you but also hate you but also need you but also need to get AWAY from you. You were there for me when I felt I had no one who understood. But now I have lots of people who are willing to help me back up from what you made me into.
Because of this, I need to say good bye. You might come back and take over again. I might see you again, unfortunately. But for now, I need you out. Because I deserve that and we both know that. I've been faithful for you but I'm discharging soon and when I say I want this over, I want you gone. For as long as we can stay apart. You have nothing good for me in the long run. I'm going to be an adult soon. Not that little, "weird" 7th grader. Whos name was used as a joke, who was called fat, who aimed to please everyone's ideals but their own. In three months, when I'm an adult, I want you out of my head.
Farewell. I hope you know this is what we both need.

I liked writing that. it really helped. It also helps to talk to my ED like its not part of me, just sharing my head