in the eyes of BlueBurnsBlack

BlueBurnsBlack's picture

in the eyes of BlueBurnsBlack

Where do I begin this Journey of life?

How bout when I first found out about MCR yes?

Okay here goes my Sister had already been listening to them since they formed, but I wasn't aware of them yet I only new 2 Songs at the time by them I'm Not Okay ( I promise) and Helena. As the years went by after 9-11 when Gerard was inspired to write Skylines and Turnstiles (correct me if I'm wrong), I kinda didn't know much about them still, Until 8th Grade.

wait a minute what's this you ask? I didn't really know about them till 8th grade?

well yes my fellow killjoys I found out more about them by the time I reached the 8th grade which for me would have been when I was 13/14 I had just heard Welcome To The Black Parade on my local radio station in Atlanta, Georgia.

I was so astonished and amazed at the sound. I couldn't believe what I was hearing so much feeling so many emotions it was as if someone really understood me finally.

The music and the lyrics they spoke to me and said everything I wanted to say out loud but never could

at the time of Middle School 6th-8th Grade for me which would have been age 12-14 I was going through phases in life known as the Goth/Emo Stage.

OOS: (I still currently consider my self Emo though I dress in brighter colors and don't have long Emo Hair) I still have the Emotions and Characteristics of an Emo kid.

Back to the story............. Anyways I had been going through alot of shit currently at that time School Bullies (Preps and Jocks), Family Deaths, The Death of the First Family Pet I ever had that I was old enough to remember having, Chronic Depression which later turned into Bipolar which I still have to this day, Seizures which I didn't know I had till I was 15.

So many things I wasn't prepared for in life and when I heard that song I immideatly had to go buy the Black Parade album.

So I did I listened to it over and over and over again evey day it became an obsession a way of life. I had the CD, I had the Black Parade T shirt With Father Time on it. I was into it so much.

Then as more years went by more albums came out and I didn't buy them or keep up with the band. I was lost in other "Emo" music, such as Atreyu, Hawthorne Heights, and shit.

I was starting up Drinking and became an Alcoholic at the age of 15. but I things happened and I became Sober.

Chapter 2.

This is the point in my life where the Shit hits the Fan. I was 15 before Diagnosed with Bipolar I was Diagnosed with chronic Depression in and out of Mental institutions for Depression and Sui, I was a hopeless wreck.

The days just seemed to drag on and on forever I truely was living in Hell on Earth. I cursed the day I was born and begged for death.

but it never came, it never fucking came. Then when all hope failed shit changed for the better of the worse.

First the Worse I still was being Tormented in High School now 9th Grade Freshmen, on the Drum Line Special Ed Classes. I hated it I knew I was smarter than what they thought of me.

I was put in Special Ed at the time I reached 3rd Grade because they put me through the trial and error phase of ADD/ADHD. Fuck no I didn't have that I was Fucking having Seizures and was Hyper because my parents where feeding me Sugar coated food all the god damn time. think about it, Koolaid with 5 cups of sugar 2 dozen boxes of donuts daily, atleast 2 cases of soda a day (2) [12 packs]. that shit shoulda given me diabeetus, but hey I was a little kid with a high metablysm.

( sorry I jumped from 15 back to 3rd grade)

anyways back to 15....... at the time I was a non compliant ODD, Dsylexic, Chronically Depressed Teen. ( ODD stands For Opstional Defiant Disorder) which just means you have a hard time with Authority Figures (I.E. Parents, Teachers, Work, Cops) so I was a badass wanna be gangster Emo kid. Hahahaha if that makes any fucking since.

I wore camo pants and black t shirts all the time, I slaughtered fish by catching them fishing and beating them to death while they where still on the fishing line attached to the hook. I was a fucked up kid back then. People at my church thought I was Satanic and possesed by Demons because of how I acted at church, the way I dressed ( all black all the time) wearing guyliner, and secretly hiding pentacles on a necklace under my shirts.

OOC: I really did fuck my life over at that age.

anyways at the age of 15 I was drinking a whole 24 pack of 12 oz beer bottles within a 4 hour span of time followed by 6 glasses of vodka mixed with coca cola products, a 3 martini glasses of jack daniels filled to the top with coca cola products and jack. all within a 6-8 hour span total of the beer and vodka and liquor combined. I blacked out twice during that time once with a knife in my hand on a Sui attempt. The only thing that saved me from following through while drunk, my Golden Retriever Autumn. She was about a year old at the time maybe a little younger considering I got her for my 15th birthday. ( but she was as big as a 1-2 year old dog) So anyways I was about to black out when I looked back to see her in the cage in the basement and then I started crying and was like oh shit I can't do it not infront of my baby ( my dog) and blacked out.

4-6 hours later I woke up and carried my self to bed where I eventually blacked out again.

I was also stealing money off credit/debit cards for explicit items (sexual related) Condoms, Blow Up Dolls, Pocket *$%#!@'s online as well as samurai swords, wiccan supplies ( I was going through a occultivist phase as well, between Satanism, Atheism, and Wicca) and Airsoft guns. ( I wanted those cuz they looked like real guns minus the orange safety tip)

so sooner or later I got caught by my parents and they suspended my internet privlages, but still I was later given the right of a computer with a desk in my own room at my old neighborhood, where I hatched my evil plan for revenge.

Chapter 3.

The penatentury or Juvenile hall as it's called for minors was where I ended up.

How you ask? I'm about to get to that. I was so Chronically Depressed at the time that I was Psychotic if you could say that and had Homicidal thoughts.

( please don't report this story to the police or moderators I promise you I'm not like this anymore)

so I hatched the plot for a plan of revenge on the (preps and jocks) day by day the torment continued until I snapped and started to make death threats. The torment continued but people feared me and took me seriously, I looked and acted serious with little to no emotion except rage and malice.

I was turned in to the school Vice Principal repeatedly for the threats and was placed on the "repeat offenders" list at school and had to sign a contract stating I would not break the contract. however I did by bringing a trick magic waller that contained a Lighter inside it that you soak in Karasine and light on fire.

Sooooo what do you think this dumbass kid did? yep I took it to school and set my wallet on fire for my friends. and the whole school to see. What do you think happened next? If you guessed a teacher caught me you are correct.

I had the wallet soaked with Kerasine and the Lighter inside, and a bottle of Kerasine to re light it with.

So what happened next? if you guessed I was Expelled you are correct.

Expulsion was ordered by the 9th grade Vice Principal and 9th Grade Pricipal as well as the Over all Principal of the entire School.

The Charges where as Follows

Possesion of a Firearm ( what fucking firearm could I fucking possibly have? a fucking lighter? that shit isn't a damn gun! wtf? how the fuck am I going to shoot some one with a lighter?)

Possesion of Tobacco ( what Tobacco do you see me smoking cigs? NOOOOOOO Do you see me using chew or dip? Not on School Campus.)

Possesion of Marijuana ( Seriously? Seriously. What the fuck where the thinking here? does it look like I do Drugs? No. Exactly u are a stupid blonde fucking cunt and need to die)

Possesion of a weapon ( what weapon? the lighter? come on that's not a weapon .......... yet)

Possesion of Accelarant ( well that one I give them I did have a whole bottle of lighter fluid)

and I want to say

Intent of Arsenic activites but I'm not sure.

The end result they placed me in Alternative School in the fucking Ghetto with all the Gang Members and Drug Addictts ( yippie I'm going to get shot or stabbed) so I conformed with the rules for a month or two then I came to school in a white collared shirt and black cargo pants with a studded pyramid belt. they let me have the belt (cool) but the black pants they fucking bitched at me for ( saying some bullshit about oh you have to be on some special black pants program for good behavior students or some shit)

so they made my fucking dad or mom drive an hour home from work then drive another fucking 30 minutes to an hour to the school just to give me fucking khaki pants.

I had enough of there shit. so some of the gangster wanna be kids and gang member kids told me how to escape. they said they don't have security camera's outside near the gym ( we had an outside gym) so that's where I escaped. I waited until gym and instead of going to gym I went around back of the gym and ran off into the woods. I later waited to make sure the cops weren't called on me and the had a helicopter in the air doing a search for me. cuz I did hear one and got paranoid. so I waited then I took off through the industrial park, past the private airport, down the road, cross a 4 lane divided high way and to my house whick was about 5-10 miles away it took me all day. I took a pit stop at a chinese restaurant to take a dump and piss. then I continued on to my neighborhood pool. I stopped at the pool jumped in with all my clothes still on and swam for a while dryed off by laying on the pool chairs. ( no one was around) [not to mention I passed like 10 cops on the way to my neighborhood in school uniform that they know is the alternative school uniform and could have stopped me, handcuffed me and taken me back or to juvy.]

anyways I made it back to my neighborhood and went to my friends house and hide there where I fell asleep until he came home from the alternative school that we both went to.

He came home and I woke up and talked to him shortly and he told me to go home that he didn't want the cops to follow me to his house.

So I went home and Shortly after placed a bomb threat on the schools message boards on myspace.

(dumbass move) I was later reported to the police on the following night where I was being defiant towards my parents. my dad was a drunken bastard that night and was beating the crap out of me and pulling me by the neck of my shirt collar and shoving me into walls and beating me. until he forcefully shoved me up the stairs kicking me every time I tripped and fell.

So I got to my room got on my computer and got on AIM and told my bestfriend ( preppy girl at the time) to call the cops on my dad. She was about to call them on my dad when they arrived for me for the bomb threat.

They had gone on my myspace profile where I posted it printed out the forum where I posted with my comments and the school kids comments saying they would castrate me and skin me alive and dip my body in battery acid.

(thats 20 times worse than a fake bomb threat any day)

so they completly ignored the fact that those kids posted that.

and the next day I was forced to be arrested at the school in front of the entire school. handcuffed in the private resource officer room infront of my parents ( mom was crying dad was laughing histarically) fucking faggot ass bastard I'm your god damn son faggot!

anyways I was then taken by the resource officer through the school infront of all the students that where currently in F Hall to the resource officers cop car and placed in the car and drove off to Juvy.

I was only there 24 hours when I was medically released by court order to a Mental Institution for Psychiatric Evaluation.

Stayed there for 2 weeks Inpatient and 2 Weeks out patient they thought I was getting better which I was but the medication they put me was making me Stoned 24/7 all I ever did was sleep.

I never had any energy.

after wards I was sentinced to Wilderness Survival Boot Camp where I stayed for 46 days. until once again Medically released to another Mental Institution in Orlando, Florida. ( the wilderness boot camp was in Ashevillle, North Carolina.)

While at the Wilderness Boot Camp I became even more Chronically depressed and Sui that I sent letters home to my parents telling them they needed to come get me and take me home that I would crucify myself to a tree and hang myself with the help of my group students right before dinner and night fall. the Therapist of the group gained concern but was extremely nice and raised the red flag for Sui Watch to the Wilderness Boot Camp officials. I was then taken back to Base camp ( cabins, Air Conditioning Toilets, Showers.) For medicall Graduation Discharge. (I did Graduate the Camp With Straight A's according to my Therapist with satisfactory survival skills.)

But it took along time to get there with help. and intstruction.

After being sent back to base camp I had Parasites and became extremely ill as well as I had really bad Chaffing, and my legs where bleeding.

After being sent home I stayed at my new home that I live in now, for the weekend while I was healing at home with proper treatment from my mom and dad then during the time frame that I was home they had sentinced me for another psychiatric evaluation and I was shipped off to a mental hospital in Orlando, Florida.

My mom drove me all the way there where my dad soon followed behind to say good bye with my mom.

I stayed hospitalized for 7 weeks into October, where I received Family Therapy via telephone every day of the week for 7 weeks.

It was while in Orlando I was Diagnosed Bipolar with Seizures. I continued to have Seizures for 3 years on medication for Bipolar and Seizures. then I never had one since. After words I came home and was Sentenced to a Nazi Concentration Camp in my eyes AKA ( Baording School) in Delaware.

*(Really your going to send me all the way up the east coast over 1,000 miles from home where the only way to get back home is for my parents to fly and rescue me?)

Well they fucking did! I was in hell. They made us sign a contracting stating if your child gets injured, killed, or raped we are not responsible for damages or lose and you cannot sue us. (wtf you cheap ass yankee scum?!)

I saw 4 rapes during my time at that boarding school. And I was severely Jumped by gang members who where also juggalos at the time for a whole school year every day. For what? Being an Emo and being from the south.

(they assumed I'm from the south so I must be a racist spick.)

Anyways I had no rights as a legal citizen of the USA at the hell hole. so I was there for a year as in my eyes a Jew in Nazi Germany.

I hated it I called my parents every day to tell them this is prison take me home and withdrawl me from here.

I sent them letters which where never received cuz the bastards broke the law which is a felony and opened my mail and read them and decided what could be sent and what couldn't.

It really was Nazi Germany.

Anyways I started Anarchy there and overthrew there Communist Government system they where running.

Then I went home. Where I was safe for the BETTER.

But still I was never allowed to go to Public School. I went to a Private Alternative School in Athens, Georgia .... Based out of my Home Public School.

where fortunently enough they did allow me to walk and graduate with my graduating class of 2010.

but all that time I thought to myself wtf am I doing with my life? I'm going to be dead before I turn 21 ( back when I was a teenager) and look at me now I'm 22 now.

and what do I have to show for it? Juvenile, and Jail and a court order to Wilderness Boot Camp and Boarding school? I fucked my life over and this is what I have to show for it NOTHING.

I have no job or anything, I'm Bipolar and I still live with my parents.

Hope you enjoyed my life story.

summarized from 15 to present day. (Shortened version.)