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Wow I haven't been on in a month

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TW: Eating Disorder, possible hospitalizations

hey guys
I've been offline for a while now! sorry about that. things have just been pretty crazy over here....
I mentioned getting a job in my last blog, at the farm. I had to quit last weekend. It was took me two hours to eat breakfast. My disorder is controlling my life...
Met with my clinician. He said I've lost weight this week and if I don't start gaining by Friday, I'm going inpatient to Alcott. That's where they tube you if you don't finish meals. I'm so scared, I woke up this morning having a panic attack cause even though I really want to stay out of Alcott, I feel like I don't have control over myself anymore.
Sorry all my posts are so depressing....
In other (better) news, tomorrow's halloween! and frank's birthday! Been hanging out with friends. Still love my car. Been talking to MCR kids outside of this site. Playing a lot of Club Penguin. Writing a paper about Club Penguin, actually. Doing a lot of work on College apps. I'm applying to art school :)
so that's that. I'm gonna go post some comments on your blogs and then maybe I'll play club penguin
xoxoZ