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What should I do?

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Charbarmanning's picture
on March 5, 2016 - 10:49am

I've set myself a late New Years resolution to try to meet as many people I want to meet whether that be celebs or youtuber or even just my friends out of school. Now the reason I've done this is because I always feel like I've missed out of things when I see other fans meeting their idols or my friends hanging out outside of school and I just couldn't be bothered going out. I just feel left out.

Now the only reason I never have met any celebs or youtubers is because I have a tiny fear of big events and meeting other fans. That's surprising to hear when I'm on sites like this. It's because other fans have other opinions on what is going on with a band or person. They can write large paragraphs about how they like a band/person. 'Oh they helped be through bad times' or 'their lyrics just get to me' and then there's me. 'I just like them okay?' I've haven't had any bad times and I don't connect with lyrics emotionally. I'm just... normal.

The other reason I have a tiny fear of big events is because I just shut down when I'm in a big crowd. I only really realised this when I went to my friend's party in January. There were loads of people there and I didn't have any fun. I've said to get out of the embarrassment before 'oh I was in one of those moods where I didn't want to do anything'. I wasn't in a mood. I just shut down the second I saw all the people. I didn't want to do anything at the time. The second I got in the car to go home my dad noticed I looked a bit fed up and I said to him 'I'm just tired' because the party was on a night. When I got home, my mum noticed that I looked fed up and asked me 'are you okay?'. I just said 'I'm fine' until she managed to make me feel like I could say anything and everything. I burst end into tears and started saying how I'd shut down. How I didn't want to do anything and even though everyone was trying to pull me over to have fun, I wasn't having any of it. I said to the people at the party 'oh I don't like the songs they are playing' and I said to my mum 'I don't know why I didn't want to do anything' but I did know. It kind of sickens me to know why I didn't want to do anything.

In the past, i have said to my brother that I don't want to go to meet ups because 'it doesn't feel as one to one when there are loads of other fans around you'. To be Frank, that's just rubbish I came up with as an excuse to hide the facts above. I come up with a load of rubbish to avoid things. I originally said I didn't want The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire because 'it's getting ridiculous the number of youtubers that are bringing out book' even though I fully knew that I wanted it I just couldn't be bothered buying it so to speak.

I feel like if I ever did meet anyone on here in real life, I'd feel jealous about the number of meet ups and concerts and you have been to and the amount of merchandise you have. Even if you have never been to a concert/meetup or have not merch, I'd still just not want to meet you because I'd have something against you. I think I may be a hipster because I'm only into things that aren't as well known or as popular. I don't like hearing people singing their songs or quoting them. I just don't like it. I really don't but I think that's only because of the fact that I've never met or been to a concert of my favourite celebs and youtubers.

I feel like if I did met any of the former mcr members or any of my favourite youtubers or even some other bands then some of these thoughts I have on big events and other fans will go. I know it's bad to be jealous but it's a type of jealousy that I just can't avoid. It's always there. It makes me cry when I see live shows. It makes me feel left out when I see pictures of my friends hanging out without me. I'm being serious. I can't do loads of things these days without it looming over my shoulder. I tell you if I was reading this aloud whilst I type then I'd be in tears now.

Here, if anyone hears of any former mcr members doing any meet ups here in the uk please tell me. I can't have this guilt carrying on if I want to talk to people on here. I just can't.