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Well, I feel like I have a problem

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Charbarmanning's picture
on April 20, 2016 - 12:54pm

At guides tonight, we were watching clips from an event that one of our young leaders went to in Japan. Now it was a really big event and I mean really big. I don't remember how many people went but it was in the thousands somewhere like 20,000 maybe? I don't know. Anyway so there was a clip that showed the area that they camped in and it was massive and then there were the clips of the people that went... and I sort of had a mini panic attack. I don't know why. I guess it was because of such a large thing and maybe it was just too many people or the fact that the event was so large. There was some music going on in the background that was very J-pop. I PURPOSELY FORCED MYSELF TO HATE THE MUSIC BECAUSE I WAS IN THIS STATE! This has happened before but not from watching clips, from actually being in those sorts of situations.

At a party in January, there was over 100 people there, and I forced myself into a state of like shut down. I sat in the corner and didn't listen to the music or dance. I FORCED MYSELF TO HATE THAT MUSIC TOO! I sat and listened to my own music in the corner, just laid on the seat. I'm so happy that my crush didn't go [phew].

At a musical last month, I forced myself to hate the whole thing because I didn't like how many people there were. I complained about it for the rest of the time. Now this has only just come apon me recently but I have always had things that have kind of build it up.

1. I hate talking to other fans of one thing because they make me feel like I'm not a good enough fan (ps, apart from these sites because we talk about a lot on here and not just the band so it distracts me)
2. I have always hated like going to events but for the fact that I want to do something else
3. I am just an emotional person and I can either put my emotions into me shutting down or me crying.

So yeah, I'm not perfect. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do the things I want to do because this is keeping me from doing them : /

~Charbarmanning~
~Charlotte, Charlottie or Cha Cha Slide~