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The New House Leaks A Lot

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BlueRoses's picture
on February 18, 2018 - 9:43am

I'm lying in the bath, the bubbles slowly melting and outside its raining, I can hear it on the roof and the window. Its dripping on the tiles and on my toothbrush.

I've been reading back on all my old blogs, if anyone were to ask I'd say I wanted to reflect on how far I've come, but in reality I know I'm just avoiding all the things I should be doing.

I feel like im sinking see, or like ive already sunk. When I lie back in my bed I lie on the seabed. The ocean is 6 miles deep and he's fallen asleep on my chest. I want to roll over and look the other way, I want to see something growing beside me, sprouting from the sand and stretching towards the light. I want to see someone else trying. Instead all I can see is the black, the bio illumination flickering on and off above me as other people get their own way.

When I daze off, the way I often do, I think about dying though I know deep down I don't want to. Its something I know I shouldn't do, something I never consciously do. But sometimes when I'm sitting in a haze, half listening to my sister talking, half listening to the kettle boiling downstairs, the thought just creeps in, settles down and makes itself at home. "Oh well if anything really bad ever happens..."
How bad?
I'm starting to get scared that something really bad might happen.

On days like today I feel grey like the city I grew up in, grey like the sea that curves the coastline and drags silt and plastic bottles out to sea. Im scared that one day its going to drag me with it, im scared that when It does I wont mind.

I think I'm just kinda miserable, drizzling down the window and dripping onto the tiles.

Maybe I'll come back tomorrow feeling a little better.