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i'm going to try. for real this time.

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chpeverill-conti's picture
on February 13, 2018 - 8:47am

hello to anyone who still visits this website!
I'm just here. at home. drinking a mocha latte.
I feel like I need to write about stuff today.
had IOP last night, i think i mentioned in my last blog that insurance approved maybe 3 days of IOP. I wasn't able to eat too much. a couple bites of my rice bowl and two yogurts with almonds in it and maybe 3/4 of my juice. i didn't get to most of my rice bowl, any of my applesauce, or my dessert.
but i think i'm ok with it.
i'm ok with it because i realized i might not be trying hard enough. and i might not be trying hard enough because i feel like i don't have a reason to try. i don't have motivation. i've been depressed. getting out of bed and into the car is a daily struggle. not isolating? forget about it. But that stuff is all pretty chemical. I don't really have any control of it, other than taking my meds everyday, going to therapy and letting people help me.
but eating, although i hate to admit, I AM in control of it. my emotions like anxiety and depression might make it seem like i have no control but when i'm motivated, i do pretty fucking well.
so today, i'm making a conscious effort to put in effort and really try. because i got into college. and i don't want anything, especially an eating disorder, which in essence is a little voice in my head saying "no you can't" holding me back from something like school.
last night in IOP we wrote down the things we say to ourselves about our body. Mine included things like"fat, lazy, disgusting, gross, bulky, large." then we were told to imagine saying those things to our best friends, and imagine the look on their faces. I fucking cried, imagining saying those things to Katie and Savannah. how hurt they would be. and how they would know that they would know there was something wrong with me and if i told them that was what i say to myself imagining them supporting me, makes me feel so special. but also so shitty,
great, now i'm fucking crying again.
sorry this is such a long ass blog.
to summarize this mess, i'm going to start really pushing myself because i NEED to go to college and get a move on my life and also i love my friends a lot.
have a good day!