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BlueRoses's picture
on February 13, 2018 - 1:42pm

You know I really didn't expect to find myself here again, I was probably 14, maybe 15 last time I wound up on here, on the phone to Harper at 10pm, picking at the ladders in my school tights.
Its strange because it been 6 years and yet sometimes I still slip back into that same routine, crossed legs at the end of my bed, listening to the silence on her end of the phone, waiting for a laugh or a "fuck sake 'av you seen this?"
We always used to do that. We'd talk for hours and then when we'd run out of things to say, we'd sit drawing or reading or writing, listening to the other watching TV 200 miles up the m25.

We used to post on here all the time, used to check up on eachother, but somehow, 6 years on, I don't think Harper is gonna see this one.

Its a shame I can't say I dont need checking up on anymore I guess.

When I was 14 I always felt like I was on the edge of something, like I'd reached a kind of precipice, I was balancing on the edge of something but I didn't know what, and I guess I do now. Now that I'm nearly 21 years old and slowly (fucking finally) blooming.

When I was 14 I didn't really understand eating disorders, how they work, how they hibernate just beneath the surface, hidden from you for years, just these little ideas and thoughts that you shrug off and glaze over... how they sprout, just a little shoot one day, sort of harmless looking, kinda hopeful looking. How they grow, and climb and cling to you like ivy, until you struggle to see through the leaves, how the light, the world around you filters in, obscured and distorted, tainted green, veiny shadows distracting you from the things that really matter. The things that are really happening to you.

Well now im 20, nearly 21 and I still don't get it, because ive been sick for years now, I'm an adult and I can't say I've been "okay" since I was about 8 years old.
Its strange because I'm an adult, and I have all of these things I want to do, "when im better," and I've had this list of things I'll do, "when im better," but the list just keeps getting longer and every time I feel like im getting better I relapse again.
And I'm never that bad, I never hospitalise myself and me mam thinks im fine.
I'm always in two places, with this half of me that wants to look after me, so I can have kids when I'm older, so I can be there for me little sister, so that I can help other kids get better when they're young, so that they don't end up 21 and wondering where their childhood went.

And I'm only here now because I was doing dead well for ages, and recently ive been slipping back into old habits. Stupid old habits too, things I haven't done since I was 16 years old.
And I'm too scared to tell people that im not fine, im scared to scare me mam an dad, I'm scared I'll make me sister cry again, and I'm scared because everyone thinks im fine, everyone thinks I'm alright now.
Me nans expecting me to get a 1st in me degree, me parents are expecting me to move out properly at the end of this year, me family are expecting me to do things with my life, they want me to write, and sing and model and do all this stuff that I know I want to do to. But they expect people to pay attention to me, and I can't even pay attention to my cornflakes in the morning without feeling a bit sick.

Im only really even posting this here because I cant talk about it on Twitter or instagram (because me mam watches both of those and I dont want her to start panicking)

Anyway, All Things Must Pass I guess.