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hi i'm still alive

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As the title says, I'm still alive. Somehow, I'm still running. Life has been meh. Teenage years are extremely difficult, and I am only learning this now. They are the best time of your life, and the worst. I truly believe this.

On March first, I had my first love. I had been in a relationship before (quite young, I know I'm 15 but it wasn't serious or anything). However, I truly believe he was my first love. I had never felt this way about anyone before, but as you probably know, some boys tend to mature later on than girls and him being my age meant he still acted like a 12 year old. So after a bit more than a month, I broke up with him. I realised that although he was helping with my mental health a lot, he was also making it worse, he was ignoring me completely and acted totally different so I had to think of myself for once.

To the point where after we broke up, I was upset for more than 5 days. I've been feeling very suicidal, and it's just been super shitty. My anxiety's getting worse, suicidal thoughts occur more often and I've been thinking very lowly of myself. I'm trying to get better, and it's working. We got a note from a doctor today so I can go and see a therapist because I urgently need it.

My anxiety has stopped me from doing the things I love. I had isolated myself for a while, not wanting to talk to anyone, even pushing family away. I was privileged enough that both my friends and my family were there for me but I've also been dealing with some friend problems because not everyone whom you meet who you think is nice is actually that kind of person.

My Chemical Romance has of course still helped me through a lot of things, including this. So music is really helping me but as I said my anxiety's been stopping me from doing things I love. I hadn't played guitar in a while and stopped singing altogether. I'm slowly getting back on the right track now, though.

So now I'm mostly focusing on school and getting better, music is also helping me again. I have a fidget cube now and it's so good, it's been also helping me through my anxiety.

Anyway, that was my update! I hope everyone here is okay xx Thank you for reading! Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys.
-Kaylie