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Going To Program

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TW: EATING DISSORDER

Hey guys
Sorry I haven't been on in a WHILE, but don't worry, I still love you all <3
So I went to my doctor and she referred me to an eating disorder doctor, since I've had rapid weight loss and I've been restricting my eating a lot.
When I got to the eating disorder doctor, she talked to me for a really long time. I told her everything. She said my calorie limit I made for myself was way too low, and my test showed I was really dehydrated, had low blood pressure and low blood sugar, and my losing nearly 10 pounds in 2.5 weeks wasn't healthy. And the rules I'd set around food, like only drinking tea when hungry, not finishing food, and feeling paranoid that everyones watching me eat, it all made her think that i need to go into a partial hospitalization program or a residential program for eating. So starting Monday, I'll be in the residential. I'm so fucking scared. The pamphlet said they'll make me eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, I get panicked thinking of that I CANT eat that much I eat 900 fucking calories a day I CANT eat 3 whole meals and 3 whole snacks I cant fucking do that. I'm not ready for that. I feel like I'm gonna cry they're gonna make me lose control of my body and make me eat so many calories and they do blind weigh ins, where you can't even know how much you weigh, they made me do a blind weigh in in her doctor and It made me so scared and uncomfortable I weighted 109 today and I freaked cause I was 108 yesterday I gained and I cant do this i cant i cant i cant i cant and they give you a blood test every Monday i cant do needles i pass out every time. They're gonna make me be over fucking 110 pounds and that number scares me and the number 1000 calories scares me and they're gonna break it I know my thinking is distorted but it's how my mind works its how i think I cant help it if not eating feels right and i can't help it if the hungry pain in my stomach is the most comforting feeling in the word. I CANT GET HELP IM NOT READY IM STILL SO WRONG god I'm sorry guys I'm just terrified and don't know how to deal
wish me luck, killjoys
xoxoZ