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The darkest night

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Hello everyone it's been a while…

There's reasons for that one of them is that I've been busy with life and didn't have anything to say,the other is hard for me to say but it needs to be said… A year ago today I attempted to take my own life (not going into details as to how). I sent my note to chpeverill-conti (aka Z) by email just before doing it, I then spent the next hour or so panicking before being smart and calling for help (I also panicked for an hour before debating whether or not to call one of my best friends Dena to talk me out of it). So I take an ambulance ride to the emergency room (it's not fun trust me). So I'm sitting there in one of the treatment cubical things with my mom feeling so embarrassed and emotionally numb. They did minor medical stuff and the person from psych (don't know the official title of that position sorry) came down and talked to me and my mom for a bit, when they were done they asked me if I felt like I could be safe or not I said yes I would be safe (I know stupid choice but obviously I was to numb to care, I also was worried about Z and the massive amount of panic and fear they had). So after waiting a while they let me go home and by some miracle I was able to sleep

The next morning I messaged Z and my best friends Luke and Dena and told them all what I did and how sorry I was (that wasn't fun at all) soon after I started therapy and got back to normal life but I felt so fucking guilty for scaring the shit out of Z, Dena and Luke (and yeah my parents too but it doesn't compare to friends that have become like family to you one of which you sent the emotional bombshell that is a suicide note). In hindsight 20/20 I would have wanted to see Z, Dena and Luke in the emergency room that night and I would have taken the help that was in front of me. I've since gotten over the guilt and am doing better.

Thank you for reading this stupidity long blog

Ryan