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Here Again

So i got a deviantart. I've been posting lots of my photography and trying to be myself again...
But the jazz is wearing off. It's been a week and a half, and i don't think I can last much longer.
I was hoping I was over my depression, but tonight it came back, with a vengeance.
I just want to disappear. Nothing seems to matter. Not my finals tomorrow. Not my art. Not my friends.
I just want to disappear.

Wow

Okay, so for the past year or two I really hadn't been into any hobbies. I stuck myself on the internet morning till night because is helped distract me from problems, and made me feel numb... I was really depressed and watching stupid videos all day kinda helped, i guess.
But anyway, I hadn't been into any of my hobbies AT ALL. I use to love art and photography, but they just didn't seem to matter anymore. But last night, I did something amazing. I actually picked up my camera (shoved in the back of my closet! XP) and took some pictures.

Life, Complicated

One of my friends has always tried to set me up with this douchbag I know. He's a complete jerk, and honestly abuses me. One of the worst people I know. She says we are 'perfect for each other' or something like that. (she doesn't know how much of a jerk he can be) So I asked one of my best guy friends to be my fake boyfriend to get her to stop. And i unintelligibly did this over text.
So he ended up confessing his feelings for me, and how he actually wants to date me.
I only think of him as a friend.
But to make maters worse, we had an entire text conversation where I was pretending to be

Why Not?

[] smoked
[X] consumed alcohol
[X] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[X] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[X] kissed someone of the same sex (Is it strange that I've only kissed members of my sex while I myself am straight? )
[] had sex
[X] had someone in your room other than family
[X] watched porn
[] bought porn
[] tried drugs
TOTAL SO FAR: 6
[X] taken painkillers
[] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[X] lied to your parents
[X] lied to a friend
[X] snuck out of the house
[X] done something illegal
[X] felt hurt
[X] hurt someone
[X] wished

Why Not?

[] smoked
[X] consumed alcohol
[X] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[X] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[X] kissed someone of the same sex (Is it strange that I've only kissed members of my sex while I myself am straight? )
[] had sex
[X] had someone in your room other than family
[X] watched porn
[] bought porn
[] tried drugs
TOTAL SO FAR: 6
[X] taken painkillers
[] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[X] lied to your parents
[X] lied to a friend
[X] snuck out of the house
[X] done something illegal
[X] felt hurt
[X] hurt someone
[X] wished

Bleh.

I have literally been stuck home sick ALL WEEK. This is the third time i've been sick in two months. It seems every other week i'm coming down with a cold, the flue, or some other strange illness. What makes it worse is finals are next week, so I miss all the review sessions and get none of the study guides.
So here I am, sitting next to the toilet blogging about my nonexistent life.
Also, my mother's not letting me go out with my friends friday.I understand, since i'm sick, but i've literally been trying to get out of this house for months and she hasn't let me.

Bleh.

I have literally been stuck home sick ALL WEEK. This is the third time i've been sick in two months. It seems every other week i'm coming down with a cold, the flue, or some other strange illness. What makes it worse is finals are next week, so I miss all the review sessions and get none of the study guides.
So here I am, sitting next to the toilet blogging about my nonexistent life.
Also, my mother's not letting me go out with my friends friday.I understand, since i'm sick, but i've literally been trying to get out of this house for months and she hasn't let me.

LaLaLa

I'm actually pretty happy today, which is kinda a rare thing. It might just be that I'm high on cold meds, cuz I'm getting sick AGAIN. XD
I got a haircut, which I haven't gotten for almost a year and a half now... It always seems to make life a little cheerier, maybe it's just less weight on my head. The gay... philipenian? Philipeno? Whatever. My gay hair dresser from the Philippines, who is fabulous btw, did a great job. I actually let him curl it, and I never curl my hair.

Cookies!

I had a few really bad days last week. Bad being an understatement.
But, being the resilient person I am, I lived. I am still alive, with a little help from my favorite band ;)

Life got better. So here I am, sitting at my computer eating cookies, thanking all you guys who supported me and helped me keep on living.

If today's the day I die

I thought today would be fine.
But it's not.

If i end up broken, crying on the floor, does anybody notice? If i covered in blood, does anybody care?

No.

I can't handle the abuse from my mother, friends, and peers anymore. I. just. can't.
Is there anything to take this pain away? Can no one hear me screaming?

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