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Yesterday

... was Gerard's birthday. For those of you who don't know, Gerard is my boyfriend, who killed himself back in October. I wasn't very pleasant yesterday, but I could have been much worse. I found ways to keep my mind off things. Playing solitaire is a great distraction from the miserable inner workings of my mind. But when a song came on the radio that reminded me of him, I would easily lose it. The day before I was hanging out with friends and started crying in their bathroom. Today I wasn't much better. It's hard to do an egg hunt when all you want to do is bash everyone's skulls in. But I got through it with minimal sobbing and without anyone noticing. I might not even cry next year.

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Ok

I love this website but oh my God it's so fucking antiquated there's still no reply button or notifications if someone comments on your stuff following someone does absolutely nothing and the clocks don't change for daylight saving time. The sad thing is that it will never change.

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One Year Ago Today

My heart shattered into a million pieces. I fell back into the pit I had been so close to escaping. I died a little, I think. I cried so hard that week I think I took some years off of my life. My life, one of the only two things I deemed worth living for, gone. I was looking forward to the new album with baited breath, so excited that they had released Conventional Weapons without the break up that had been originally tied to those songs. They tricked us into thinking we'd be getting so much new good music. But in reality Gerard had felt wrong about this band I owed my life to for a long time. The entire time he was planning for it to disband.
And he chose a Friday night, when I was in bed, sneaking on to MCR.com, excitedly checking for messages and posts about MCR5. But instead, I saw journal after journal titled "No MCR no!" "I'm NOT ok!" And my heart sank into my chest. What had happened? I rushed to the news page, cursing out the slow internet, prepared for the worst.

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I Am A Terrible Person

So for a long time now my two friends Julianna and Oia have been going out. I love them to pieces and hanging out with them is so fun.
But...
I don't know why, and I hate myself for it, but every time I see them being all cutesy and cuddly I can't stand it. It just makes me so sad inside. I think it's because they remind me of how Gerard and I used to be together. Every time I see them holding hands, sitting with her head on her chest, whatever it is, I just see how Gerard used to cradle me, aeons ago, before he moved. Before he died...
I can't stand to be around the both of them when they're like that, but what am I supposed to do? They're some of my best friends.

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Fucking Psychiatrists

So, after being bounced around for a month, I finally am sent to my 3rd and hopefully final psychiatrist. Unlike the others, he refuses to have a one on one conversation with me, and brings my mom in. He then proceeds to read off everything he has on file for me IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER. Hello, doctor patient confidentiality? And guess what I had mentioned to my other doctors? A little thing about a boy named Gerard who had killed himself. Are you fucking kidding me? I have spent 2 YEARS hiding this information from her. And he almost blows it in one hour! Luckily, it appeared my previous psychiatrists hadn't given him very detailed notes, so I was able to convince him and my mom that he was just a friend I met online that I've never seen in real life. But Jesus fucking Christ! I had to lie to him just to get myself off the hook with my mom, and my mom grilled me the whole way home. The last thing I need right now is my mom finding out about my dead boyfriend.

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Kill me.

Unless my parents were to divorce I don't think my life could get worse. Even the mild stuff in my life sucks because of my lovely little depression that my mom won't let me get medicated for. Because she doesn't think I have it. Instead, I've been bounced around between therapists and every time they want to prescribe me things my mom doesn't believe them. And I don't plan on telling her about Gerard. Because then she'll just say "See? You're not depressed! It's not medical, it's grief." Gerard's been dead 2 months. I've been depressed 5 YEARS.
Just slip some antifreeze into my drink for Christ's sake.

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Don't Tell Me To Smile

People tell me to smile and cheer up. Do you remember being sad and that helping? Last time I checked, smiling doesn't help shit. I don't smile unless I'm happy. I have no reason to be happy.

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Sick

Life: Oh, your boyfriend killed himself? Here, have a cold too. And while we're at it, let's have your teacher tell your mom about the homework you missed. Planning on having a sleepover this weekend? Not anymore!
Me: Fuck you.

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I Did It

I finally did it. I drew blood. All this time pussying around just leaving scrapes and blood bruises. I finally cut an X in my chest that drew blood. That wonderful red elixir of life. All it took was one little push— mentally and physically. I think I've finally crossed over into insanity and sadistic bloodlust. Grief can do horrible things, and I have to say I'm proud of myself. You should hear me laugh-crying.

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If Life Ain't Just A Joke... (Don't Read If You Want To Stay In A Good Mood)

Well isn't life just full of jokes? In my story, my character is trying to cope with the death of her boyfriend. And now in real life my real boyfriend really died. Except instead if Korse killing him, he killed himself. Because he had cancer and probably wasn't going to make it and didn't even bother to try for the people who loved him. And all he wrote for me was that he loved me and he wanted me to find someone else. To keep living my life. Well thanks for the fucking tip, maybe you should practice what you preach. Live out the time you had left. Don't leave me like this. And for God's sake, don't think this is easier for me. Better sudden death when I can't even say goodbye than the chance you might survive? Bullshit. But I guess you thought this was better. That's funny, because none of the people you left in the dust felt like that. We finally get over our stupid fight and then you do this.