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College!

Thi August, I start the next chapter in my life. I'll be moving from California to Mississippi for three years of junior college before heading to Tennessee for further education at Vanderbuilt. I'm excited, cuz I've already got my classes in a general idea. I'll have to take piano, choir, advanced choir, music theory, and 2 others for my music major (6 are required). I'm excited. I've always wanted to take piano lessons since I already play the guitar, flute, saxophone, and marimba. It's been a dream of mine along with violin and French horn.
Aside from that, the waters have settled since last night. I'm still going to look into cheap counseling or therapy to consult a professional about my self esteem and mood swings and self hatred. It sucks.
Oh wells.
~TH.K

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What the Literal Fuck?

So I think that I just destroyed my family. My mom threatened to first do the unthinkable and then to leave after I begged her to not end it all. She said that she'd stay because of us (my brothers and myself), not because of her marriage that I'm tearing apart by my miserable existence. She thinks that we don't love her, but family sticks together and loves one another. If any of the MCRmy prays and is Christian, ease, keep my family and I (mainly my mother) in prayer. I usually don't ask this on websites, but I'm done with this crap. I want to start seeing a therapist because of it. I'll even pay for it myself, I don't want to burden my parents with any more bills. I just need a way to figure this all out and start loving myself again, considering I can't stand myself anymore since all I do is hurt the people I love and screw things up. If anyone wants to talk to me, I won't stop you, my inbox is open.
~ TH.K

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Another Poem

New poem that I'm thinking up as I type.
~~ Angel ~~

The angel's room is that
Of depression, despair,
Loneliness, hurt.
Not the stereotype,
Out of the ordinary,
Just like the angel herself.

Listen closely,
You may hear the angel's
Silent tears fall
On pure skin,
Her heart shredded,
She has died inside.

She feels like
She's worthless,
Abandoned, a burden on
Any who encounter her.
She thinks she's a
Failure, a let down
To everybody and everything.

The angel has few
Friends that listen,
Her family claiming,
"She's just opinionated,
She talks too much."
So she resorts to
Bitter silence,
Being made mute by
The ones who told her
She was amazing when she sang.

She isn't convinced that they
Love her,
That they even care.
Angel has resorted to
Becoming deathly ill
To finally believe they
Give a damn.

Angel blames only her,
Her failures and disappointing feats
Causing a number of fights
Between two people
That once loved each other.

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A Poem that I Wrote a While Ago...

~~ Lust and Love ~~

Bodies entangle in a sweaty mess,
Lustfully engulfed in one another.
Minds race as the act is committed,
One heart filled past the brim with love,
One heart void of it completely, overtaken by lust and sadistic pleasure.

Passion envelops the young bodies,
Hurt coming soon after for one,
The crime being done darkly with not a witness to stop them.
Her heart is breaking that day,
His lust is fueled by her cries,
The cries and moans only seal their dark and forbidden passion.

She knew it was all fake,
He didn't love her,
He was only using her,
But she didn't care.
She felt that she was wanted,
She felt loved,
She had him in that moment as hers.

He used her body,
With her permission of course.
He used her emotions,
He knew she loved him,
He didn't care.
He was satisfied,
His dark deed was done,
Whether she was broken or not,
Was not his concern.

She loved him,
She needed him,
She would do anything to have him,

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Ugh... Summer Boredom and Blues

As school has ended for many of us, the question of how to spend summer enters many minds. Many options are available and some have plans already made to spend their summer so it isn't boring and such. I can say that thinking of the ex that brutally ripped your heart out and then used you is NOT a fun way to start the summer break. Unfortunately, that's how my summer started: missing a stupid boy that fits that description. It isn't like I'm intentionally doing it, I really want him out of my life and mind and heart, but that's easier said than done. Every song makes me think of him in some way, shape, or form and it isn't good on me.

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Lovely depression

Well, it's back. I feel like a burden and a pathetic failure to my family and friends. I had to do some housework today and also had to stop periodically from frequent migraines. Enter my dad at around 6:30 pm. He proceeds to tell me how "absolutely nothing" was done today and that I need to "step it up" by tomorrow or I'm out of here. That seems like a fucking fantastic solution to my existence: just fucking get me out of your life! I feel like a failure because what I did do was overpowered by what I didn't do. It's bullshit. But it still hurts that my own dad would want me out of his hair, life even, because I didn't finish something as he was walking through the damn door. I'm not super humanly fast, the dishes I JUST washed aren't going to be dried and put away in ten seconds.

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Soooo... I just graduated...

My high school career is officially over as of Thursday, May 30, 2013. It didn't hit me until today after the parade for a festival our town has. I said goodbye to Frank (my tenor sax) today for the last time and then was in tears. I finally realized that I may not live in California ever again. I realized that high school and all of my memories there are just thoughts and memories for me and my heart for what the future holds. I hit a somber patch in my faux happy-go-lucky façade. I hit a place of reality, it sucked to show it. At least I never have to deal with a certain boy ever again.
So, that aside... Anything new?

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Grr...

I don't like math...

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Random Thought Thingy

So it's my senior year, and I remember that I wrote a letter to myself my sophomore year. Reading it today was much needed. The last line was a major mood-changer for me.
I wrote, at the very end, "Stay strong, I know that you are." Major happy mood. I was having a pretty rough day today, so that helped me a lot.
Just thought I'd share. :)
TH.K

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No title

1.Elizabeth (Liz, Libby, etc)
2. 18
3. 5' 1"
4. Dark to golden brown
5. Dyed black
6. 36A
7. Earth, lol. California
8. Cabriolet
9. In the USA
10. Nope
11. Nope
12. Not since 2009
13. Halo, Perfect Dark: Zero
14. A little
15. 10 minutes in Mexico
16. See above
17. Depends on your definition...
18. Mountain Dew and Coke
19. Just one?
20. Comfortable/Casual
21. Purple, blue, green, red
22. Depends on my mood
23. Mainly rock, but also pop and Christian
24. I actually don't remember... I think it was when glee performed "SING" and Gerard did the letter to that one person (sorry, I'm kinda sleepy, so my memory isn't at its finest)