Crushed Dreams's blog

Today has been so shitty. First my grandma is disgusted with me then my step dad screams at my sister and I. I wanted to scream at him and my mom so badly. Basically what my family has told me is that I'm an ungrateful rude little teenage shit who sits on their fucking ass all damn day and I'm going to hell and grow to be fat and lonely. All true things they said to me. My mom isn't a mother to me. I'm forced to love and trust her because she gave birth to me. She's just a bully.

Happy fucking mother's day.

XOXO
Crushed D's

Look look! I own a military uniform!!! I finished it last night. I love it so much! It's an Italian WW2 uniform. When I showed my family I was like "I look fabulous." XD My step dad asked if I was Lara Croft lol

XOXO
Crushed D's

So I just got back from a Mother's day dinner and I made a card for my Grandma that I made in Italian class (I wrote the English translation too). I was like "yeah she's gonna love it I made it by hand and worked hard on it!" Seriously I had high hopes.

When I gave it to her I said "I made it in Italian class" and she laughed, looking at it for less than a second. She laughed and laughed and my step dad joined in. Then was like "this stupid Italian!" and continued laughing. I was so embarrassed. She was so disgusted with it. She shoved it in her purse and didn't say thank you or anything.

Would you take a little kid's drawing and crumple it up and laugh at it?! No! Then why do it now?! I drew a nice picture on it of a bunch of flowers. I always make cards for every holiday, one for everyone. This must be a sign I should just buy a fucking card like the rest of the world.

I really want to cry. I thought it was sweet... clearly I was wrong....

XOXO
Matty

Working on an Italian WW2 uniform. I think it's awesome so far. I just need the pants and I have boots already. I'm so excited!! >w<

XOXO
Crushed D's

I'm so damn excited. Seriously. Just ordered it. I offered to pay for it but my mom said no. It's for a costume I'm wearing to a convention. I'm going as a guy if you hadn't guessed ^_^" it's a short brown wig, bangs on the right side, and a curl on the top of the head :3 I'll post pictures of me wearing it as soon as I get it!!!

XOXO
Crushed D's

Okay so something that really annoys me is gender. I mean I'm not "gender confused", I know I'm a girl and I like it that way. It's just that it seems that other people are gender confused of me. I grew up as "one of the guys" because the girls didn't like me. To be truthful, not many people, boy or girl, liked me. But I made friends with the outcast guys. From a young age I dressed like a rocker. Black clothes, shirts with skulls, band shirts. I felt as if I set myself up for failure. By the time I reached middle school I realized no one saw me as what I was. Girls bullied me as they do to other girls but I realized that I wasn't a "girl". The guys did too. A guy hit me over the head with a chair. I got in a fist fight with two guys.

Emotions.
Fear.
Greed.
Envy.

Those are just some charms
That come with being human.
Too many to count.
Let's continue the list of us.

Loneliness.
Anger.
Paranoia.
Tragedy.

There's more,
Oh yes, there is.
But one stands out
Above all.

It is the ultimate emotion,
Stronger than a self conscious.
Strong enough to blind us from common sense.
Strong enough to will us on.

It brings down falls, death, and mistakes.
It's kind and warm yet full of wrath and jealousy.
We want it more than anything,
Yet it hurts more than anything else.

Some shut out this emotion,
Doomed to a life in solidarity.
It brings out the worst in humans.
It brings out the best how ever.

This emotion has its flaws.
As all humans do.
However, it defines a person.
Keeps them strong.
Makes them weak.

Its name is simple.
Its name is warm,
Kind and caring.
Yet so painful.

It's name is-

On Monday my church class served a dinner at my church. Before hand we were all sitting, talking, joking around and all when this guy (like the straightest guy ever) starts talking about "how gay he is". Me, being bisexual, could not watch this. Eventually I asked him why he was making such a big deal over it. He got a huffy and offended and asked if I was, expecting a no then accusing me of a hate crime probably. I just smiled and said "no I go both ways actually". There was the smallest moment of silence but it felt like forever. The guy stood up, pointed at me, and shouted "she's gay, everyone she's gay" sat back down, and laughed at me. Then the rest of the night he kept saying hi to me and even said I was "gucci" (assuming that means good looking).

I'm home alone so of course, I go and do a Doctor Who photo shoot with myself as 11 XD

Today was the day of silence for Doctor Who fans. My friends and I freaked out a lot of people :3 So basically, a Silence is an alien (well it's a religious order but whatever) that kinda looks like Slenderman. If you see one and look away you forget you ever saw it. So to keep track of them the characters would mark themselves with tally marks whenever they saw one. So yeah. Pretty fun day.

XOXO
Crushed D's

It was my first time doing it ^_^" My friends and I were doing it. I never realized how much I talked until now o.o Anyway, I'm really proud of myself. I carried around a pen and notepad all day. I felt so great doing this. My girlfriend was going to do it but didn't so whatever. I found out some bad news today but I'll leave that for another time.

XOXO
Crushed D's