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I've been getting careless

I've been getting careless these past few months.

I broke down one day and indirectly told my mom I was depressed. I told her I was constantly sad and had no idea why. I didn't tell her I'd felt that way since I was eleven and I definitely didn't tell her I've been suicidal for three years too, but I told her I was constantly sad and came close to telling her the whole thing. She then took me to the doctor, who said I should see a therapist. After lots and lots of sheer begging I got her not to try to send me to see a therapist, but I feel it's only a matter of time.

Then today, I don't know how, but I almost told a somewhat close friend of mine through texting and I'm pretty sure he's guessed it. He knows its along to lines of depression and cutting and being suicidal, etc so he basically knows that I'm depressed and suicidal. He doesn't know I've been this way since I was eleven and he doesn't know the extremes of it, but he knows enough.

roarasoarus's picture

It kills me

Every day someone comes up to me and tells me "Gosh Elise, you're always so positive!" "You're always so happy!" "You always seem so happy", or something along the lines of that.
It kills me that I have to act so happy all the time when I'm anything but happy.
It kills me that they believe it, even through my obvious hints.
It kills me that nobody can help me, or even would if they could.
It kills me that I live alone in this isolated world in my head.
It kills me that I have to feel this way.
It kills me, it really does.

roarasoarus's picture

It kills me

Every day someone comes up to me and tells me "Gosh Elise, you're always so positive!" "You're always so happy!" "You always seem so happy", or something along the lines of that.
It kills me that I have to act so happy all the time when I'm anything but happy.
It kills me that they believe it, even through my obvious hints.
It kills me that nobody can help me, or even would if they could.
It kills me that I live alone in this isolated world in my head.
It kills me that I have to feel this way.
It kills me, it really does.

roarasoarus's picture

It kills me

Every day someone comes up to me and tells me "Gosh Elise, you're always so positive!" "You're always so happy!" "You always seem so happy", or something along the lines of that.
It kills me that I have to act so happy all the time when I'm anything but happy.
It kills me that they believe it, even through my obvious hints.
It kills me that nobody can help me, or even would if they could.
It kills me that I live alone in this isolated world in my head.
It kills me that I have to feel this way.
It kills me, it really does.

roarasoarus's picture

It kills me

Every day someone comes up to me and tells me "Gosh Elise, you're always so positive!" "You're always so happy!" "You always seem so happy", or something along the lines of that.
It kills me that I have to act so happy all the time when I'm anything but happy.
It kills me that they believe it, even through my obvious hints.
It kills me that nobody can help me, or even would if they could.
It kills me that I live alone in this isolated world in my head.
It kills me that I have to feel this way.
It kills me, it really does.

roarasoarus's picture

It kills me

Every day someone comes up to me and tells me "Gosh Elise, you're always so positive!" "You're always so happy!" "You always seem so happy", or something along the lines of that.
It kills me that I have to act so happy all the time when I'm anything but happy.
It kills me that they believe it, even through my obvious hints.
It kills me that nobody can help me, or even would if they could.
It kills me that I live alone in this isolated world in my head.
It kills me that I have to feel this way.
It kills me, it really does.

roarasoarus's picture

It kills me

Every day someone comes up to me and tells me "Gosh Elise, you're always so positive!" "You're always so happy!" "You always seem so happy", or something along the lines of that.
It kills me that I have to act so happy all the time when I'm anything but happy.
It kills me that they believe it, even through my obvious hints.
It kills me that nobody can help me, or even would if they could.
It kills me that I live alone in this isolated world in my head.
It kills me that I have to feel this way.
It kills me, it really does.

roarasoarus's picture

I said I'd come on more, but that didn't seem to work out

I'm doing bad today. I started feeling a bit better and happier two weeks ago, but the past two days have been a low point. I feel like such a loser, I have no friends. The few that I do I just don't have the physical on mental power to hang out with like a normal person, so I sit in my room all day and night, doing nothing and talking to nobody. I get really lazy and all I want to do is be alone and I feel extreamly lonely and unwanted because of it. It's nine o'clock and I already "went to bed" and said goodnight to my parents for the night because I know I'm going to just burst into tears any moment now. I feel so lousy and just down right terrible and I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do, other than hope I feel better some time soon. It'll happen eventually, then soon after I'll feel like shit and then it'll repeat and I'll just go back and forth from feeling decent to feeling like absolute crap. Oh well.

Yours in cheese sauce,

roarasoarus

roarasoarus's picture

I said I'd come on more, but that didn't seem to work out

I'm doing bad today. I started feeling a bit better and happier two weeks ago, but the past two days have been a low point. I feel like such a loser, I have no friends. The few that I do I just don't have the physical on mental power to hang out with like a normal person, so I sit in my room all day and night, doing nothing and talking to nobody. I get really lazy and all I want to do is be alone and I feel extreamly lonely and unwanted because of it. It's nine o'clock and I already "went to bed" and said goodnight to my parents for the night because I know I'm going to just burst into tears any moment now. I feel so lousy and just down right terrible and I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do, other than hope I feel better some time soon. It'll happen eventually, then soon after I'll feel like shit and then it'll repeat and I'll just go back and forth from feeling decent to feeling like absolute crap. Oh well.

Yours in cheese sauce,

roarasoarus

roarasoarus's picture

I'm alive

Wow. I've been gone for a while, haven't I? It's been what? Two months? I doubt that anyone noticed other than two or three people, but I just want everyone to know that I'm alive and I'm doing fine, well at least as fine as I was two months ago.
I got an instagram around the time I disappeared. I feel like that, among other things, is why I left. At first my family didn't know about it and so I would feel comfortable posting my thoughts on there. I guess it made me feel better, like more people were listening, when I saw that someone liked the picture I had wrote something along with because there was actually proof to me that someone read it, unlike on here. Eventually, my mom found out, made me give her the password and set the account to private, and stripped me of all my freedom I had on there. It drove me insane and I finally had enough sense to come back here.