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Hah... Friends...

It's funny... I said that I don't have time to just sit around and hang out because I need to focus on school. Apparently, that translates to "I actually have some kind of hidden motive or intention and just don't want to hang out with you." and because of mixed messages, my friend called me out for something totally wrong and I couldn't deal with it, so I said "I just need a step back here, this is weird and kinda crazy" and basically she again got mixed messages and I ended up being this bad person. How does this all happen? I mean what I say. I don't have secret intentions or hidden motives. I'm being honest. If you want to think otherwise, that's on you. I'm telling you straight. Don't look deeper into it, because you're not going to find anything. Like... for fucksake!

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A Few Hours Before...

Here we are, all of us playing the waiting game. All of us just frozen in time, seemingly moving but at the slowest rate. It's like watching a movie frame by frame. The nerves found their way and lost it in the pit of my stomach. The knot is the tightest it's ever been. I'm dancing amongst the masquerade and my face is soon to be revealed. It's who I always was, who I'll always be. It's not a perfect face, but it's not completely horrible, though I think so all of the time. But that's just low self-esteem (rather, the "no self-esteem"). Watching the seconds pass me by even though I should be doing so many other things, my mind is filled with nothing but a thick fog. One that you don't even know if you're up nor down. Lost and forever truly alone. Though, that's kind of what's wanted at the same time. Even with that odd beating organ that sits on the left side of my chest screaming something inaudible and I don't quite understand.

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I Guess This Is Growing Up...

Tonight is a night that I will never forget. I want to scream, cry, and curl up and never move again. Yet somehow, I'm surrounded with that sweet, but unnerving calm. No one saw this coming. I felt it and kept everyone and everything at bay. I just need to let out the fire in the pit of my stomach. I know when I open my mouth, I'll be unleashing two whole years of displacement. I never wanted to see the rest of my life without this person, but they're suffocating me anymore. I can't even spend more than a few hours with them. It's just not what it used to be and I can't handle it anymore. I miss the simplicity of our younger years and it kills me inside that we're not the same people. I know the conversation is due. I'm scared. Terrified, but this is something that I know is needed so I can break the chains in which keep me in this dungeon. I've always wanted to break free and fly away. I'm just not sure if I'm pulling the right strings by doing what I'm about to do.

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What Is Everyone's TXT/Ring Tone At The Time???

What's everyone's txt tone of the time of current? I just got a new phone shipped to me and now I have to put a better txt tone than the default "droid" tone they have. So I was wondering, what is everyone's txt tone for now, or what was your favorite tone that you have had. (Same issue for ringtones...)

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Life's Too Short to Never Have Lived!

Do what your heart tells you. Forget the world. Lose your mind. You'll be just fine.

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Honest.

[x] smoked (not cigarettes)
[x] consumed alcohol (almost on a daily basis, I'm of age...)
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex (couches count, right? didn't do anything. Just slept.)
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[x] kissed someone of the same sex
[] had sex
[X] had someone in your room other than family
[] watched porn
[] bought porn
[] tried drugs (I don't include weed. I don't count that as a drug)
TOTAL SO FAR: 6
[X] taken painkillers
[x] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[X] lied to your parents
[X] lied to a friend
[X] snuck out of the house
[x] done something illegal
[X] felt hurt
[x] hurt someone
[] wished someone to die
[x] seen someone die
TOTAL SO FAR: 9
[X] missed curfew
[x] stayed out all night
[] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
[x] been to a therapist
[x] received a ticket
[] been to rehab
[X] dyed your hair
[x] been in an accident
[x] been to a club
[x] been to a bar

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Why The Hell Not...

1. Any scars? Yeah... one. I keep a wristband over it to help me forget its there. It was done on purpose... long time ago.
2. Crush? Yeah, but not possible to even be friends with them.
4. Kissed anyone? Get me drunk enough, and maybe.
4. Coke or Pepsi? Neither. I hate soda.
5. Someone you hate? The only one is myself.
6. Best friends? Kim.
7. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? I drink, but I'm 23... lol. I can count on one hand how many times I've tried weed.
8. What's your dream job? I used to think it would involve music... now I'm not so sure what I want anymore.
9. Ever been in love? I really thought I could have been. But no one is a fool enough to love me back.
10. Last time you cried? Like, actually cried? For me, it was almost over a year and a half ago, I think. Maybe longer.
11. Favourite colour? It changes with my mood. Right now it's a firey red.
12. Height? 5'0" Yeah, I'm short... whatever. I have the best hiding places. So screw you! =P

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Forget My Name...

I've had something on my mind that I need to get out. No one knows me on here, so it's a pretty safe place to say it. I'm just like you, dammit. I've got no room in my head either. I was kicked out a long time ago by a stranger who pretends to be me. They look like me, sound like me, doesn't quite walk like me, but even talks like me... sometimes. I know you've been going through this just recently, but this is what I HAVE been dealing with. I'm lost too. I'm broken too. I sometimes feel like a broken soul can't help another broken soul. But I throw on my damn game face and forget about my own problems so I can help you through the same fucking thing I'm dealing with. I don't have anyone telling me that it's gonna be alright. I don't have a damn crutch to lean on. You answer your phone only on occasion. You shut me out. I have always answered when you called and txted me. But I never seem to get the same fucking treatment and I'm sick of always being the one to give a rat's ass.

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Go Easy...

Please take it slow for the sake of the show, cause I can't seem to get my head on right. I'm all screwed up, and my screws have all gone missing if they're not loose. I just need another hit of this weed, can't ya see? That I'm all kinds of fucked up now. You got me just right, you nailed me in all the right places. I can't move even if I wanted to. You got me so good, got me so good now. I just want to break free, can't ya see? Baby, please... get the hell away from me. But I hope that you still love me... I don't know who I am, I don't know where to go. The light's so dim, get me another drink filled to brim. Maybe tonight I can forget all that I came here for. You fucked me up so good, fucked up so good... you let me go. Just for the sake of the show. How can you see right through me, like a ghost. And leave me here to be.... you left me here to see you off. Tonight can't get me as high as you did. Cause you did. Kiss me goodbye. And I hope you're gone for the night.

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Weather Friends in Disguise...

I could really care less who sees me and who doesn't these days. It always feels like I never want the people who do see me around in my life, anyway. Maybe I just don't want anyone there to witness the hole that I'm in, the grave that I dug for myself for so many years, but then... I see myself loving the people that I could never really have in my life. Why is this? I'm not picky. I'm just in love with those that will never want me and that's why I love them. Because they don't want to see me. They don't know me. Therefore they don't want to know who I am. Maybe they would be close friends with me if they knew that I ever existed... But they aren't and I have to face the cold, hard fact that I will never mean anything to anyone this way. I have to let SOME people in... even if it feels like it's hurting me. I don't know what love really is and I would love a chance at it, but I'm so afraid of it at the same time. I want love, and to be in love while someone is in love with me back.