oxCarCrashHeartx's blog

[x] smoked (not cigarettes)
[x] consumed alcohol (almost on a daily basis, I'm of age...)
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex (couches count, right? didn't do anything. Just slept.)
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[x] kissed someone of the same sex
[] had sex
[X] had someone in your room other than family
[] watched porn
[] bought porn
[] tried drugs (I don't include weed. I don't count that as a drug)
TOTAL SO FAR: 6
[X] taken painkillers
[x] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[X] lied to your parents
[X] lied to a friend
[X] snuck out of the house
[x] done something illegal
[X] felt hurt
[x] hurt someone
[] wished someone to die
[x] seen someone die
TOTAL SO FAR: 9
[X] missed curfew
[x] stayed out all night
[] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
[x] been to a therapist
[x] received a ticket
[] been to rehab
[X] dyed your hair
[x] been in an accident
[x] been to a club
[x] been to a bar

1. Any scars? Yeah... one. I keep a wristband over it to help me forget its there. It was done on purpose... long time ago.
2. Crush? Yeah, but not possible to even be friends with them.
4. Kissed anyone? Get me drunk enough, and maybe.
4. Coke or Pepsi? Neither. I hate soda.
5. Someone you hate? The only one is myself.
6. Best friends? Kim.
7. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? I drink, but I'm 23... lol. I can count on one hand how many times I've tried weed.
8. What's your dream job? I used to think it would involve music... now I'm not so sure what I want anymore.
9. Ever been in love? I really thought I could have been. But no one is a fool enough to love me back.
10. Last time you cried? Like, actually cried? For me, it was almost over a year and a half ago, I think. Maybe longer.
11. Favourite colour? It changes with my mood. Right now it's a firey red.
12. Height? 5'0" Yeah, I'm short... whatever. I have the best hiding places. So screw you! =P

I've had something on my mind that I need to get out. No one knows me on here, so it's a pretty safe place to say it. I'm just like you, dammit. I've got no room in my head either. I was kicked out a long time ago by a stranger who pretends to be me. They look like me, sound like me, doesn't quite walk like me, but even talks like me... sometimes. I know you've been going through this just recently, but this is what I HAVE been dealing with. I'm lost too. I'm broken too. I sometimes feel like a broken soul can't help another broken soul. But I throw on my damn game face and forget about my own problems so I can help you through the same fucking thing I'm dealing with. I don't have anyone telling me that it's gonna be alright. I don't have a damn crutch to lean on. You answer your phone only on occasion. You shut me out. I have always answered when you called and txted me. But I never seem to get the same fucking treatment and I'm sick of always being the one to give a rat's ass.

Please take it slow for the sake of the show, cause I can't seem to get my head on right. I'm all screwed up, and my screws have all gone missing if they're not loose. I just need another hit of this weed, can't ya see? That I'm all kinds of fucked up now. You got me just right, you nailed me in all the right places. I can't move even if I wanted to. You got me so good, got me so good now. I just want to break free, can't ya see? Baby, please... get the hell away from me. But I hope that you still love me... I don't know who I am, I don't know where to go. The light's so dim, get me another drink filled to brim. Maybe tonight I can forget all that I came here for. You fucked me up so good, fucked up so good... you let me go. Just for the sake of the show. How can you see right through me, like a ghost. And leave me here to be.... you left me here to see you off. Tonight can't get me as high as you did. Cause you did. Kiss me goodbye. And I hope you're gone for the night.

I could really care less who sees me and who doesn't these days. It always feels like I never want the people who do see me around in my life, anyway. Maybe I just don't want anyone there to witness the hole that I'm in, the grave that I dug for myself for so many years, but then... I see myself loving the people that I could never really have in my life. Why is this? I'm not picky. I'm just in love with those that will never want me and that's why I love them. Because they don't want to see me. They don't know me. Therefore they don't want to know who I am. Maybe they would be close friends with me if they knew that I ever existed... But they aren't and I have to face the cold, hard fact that I will never mean anything to anyone this way. I have to let SOME people in... even if it feels like it's hurting me. I don't know what love really is and I would love a chance at it, but I'm so afraid of it at the same time. I want love, and to be in love while someone is in love with me back.

The lies are coming in full force again. They grab me and pull me in. Make up these stories to get out of everything and always do nothing. Cause that's the only the thing I can't fuck up. These friendships are just too much. They wear me down and I'm always feeling like I'm holding back. I can't be me when they're around. I have to be someone so much better than me. But I don't know how. I can only wish that love was enough. They say it so frequently that I often think that it's to overcompensate the hate that is really there. It's a cover-up. Like make-up caked to their faces. A smile laces their teeth and knives are our lies that drive into my heart like daggers. I can't tell you the truth. Cause I'm lost just like you. And I wish that I could spend only the good times, but just with you. Cause those seconds feel like forever. And if forever could really last... Then I'd make the clocks stop working. You'd have me to love and blame. Personally, I feel no shame in this.

I choke and stutter on the words to say. When it comes to you, I've lost everything. I can't help myself, but I tumble and I trip. I fall flat on my face and here comes the nose bleeds. The pavement gave me something to forward to. The cuts and bruises it left behind made it real. I can't just let it go. It stings until it scabs. It all takes time. But sometimes something like that doesn't go away. It leaves behind the reminder that it did happen. And it shows that it fucking hurt. You. You hurt. The sight of your smile, the hint of your scent... and the clothes that you wear. It's everywhere. It's on me. It's in my head. You're in my head. You're all fucking in my head. Does this mean that I could prove to you that love exists? If you rip out my beating heart, the last of its murmuring will be the sound of your name. Does it kill you? Cause I can't tell if I'm existing or just fucking dead. You've got me all wrong, babe. I don't mean that you're no good.

"Untitled 1"

When I die
I’ll know why
It’s not because of
The pills I take
Or the nightmares
That keep me awake
Or the emotions
That I choose to fake
It’s the lack of love
That makes me shake
And a smile will break
Cause I know I’m alive
At that point and time
I’ve nothing to give
If all you do is take
I don’t want you to know
I don’t want you to see me
I wish I didn’t have to go
But I don’t want to stay.
Can you just stay away?
Just get out of my head
It’s like a terrible chase
And an angel like you
Shouldn’t be running
Around that fantasy place

“See You Again”

Sun shines and the rain pours
The heat waves and the wind soars
As I would do if I could fly with you

To spend one more day with you
It would make me strong
Confide in you
That's what I wish I could do

Happy Without You...

The shakes from my nerves
Plant a knot in my gut
And anxiety always acts up
Pills could never calm the waves
It only seems to put me in a daze

Is delish. Honestly I think I've lost my mind.

Ya know what's cool? Shapeshifters. They can turn into anyone or anything. That's awesome. Wish I were a shapeshifter! Haha!