Narcotic aura's blog

Today is my 17th Birthday :D

don't know why but for a while now i've had a problem dealing with death and it's really bothering me now to the point where i can't sleep and barely eat. I don't even know where this fear has come from but i don't know what to do, it gets me into a state where i can't stop crying, shaking and feel completely hopeless and sick. Every time i get like this i want to go and get my mum and dad but i don't what to say "sorry for coming in here but i cant stop thinking about death and think i'm dying" crying hysterically. Even now i'm crying and freaking out but this was all i could think of to do. I don't watch any medical programmes anymore and avoid any talk about death or dead loved ones medical talk etc cause it's the most terrifying thing ever to me, it even out weighs my social anxiety.

today i found out i not only won't get to see my nephew for a few hours a christmas but i won't be able to see him at all. For a while i've just been sat here crying cause this is the worst thing my sister could ever do to me. It took me all i had not cry in front of him before after i found out, every year since he was born the whole family has been together on christmas and now it's just ruined everything and this year i actually got the perfect gift for him but won't get to see him open it. I just don't see the point in even celebrating it anymore, i know i'll only be crying on the day so why even bother? My christmas is ruined now and i don't see how they can get better after this one.

Today is Children in Need, It's sad to hear all the stories of children but they do need help so please give what you can to them even if it's a prayer or well wishes, just keep them in your thoughts.
Every child deserves a childhood; someone to care about them because at some one we've all wanted someone there for us.
(found this on yahoo, so no copyright intended)

C IS FOR CARE. WE ALL SHOULD CARE A LITTLE MORE
h is for homes,
i is for... well me. because i to can help children in need.
l is for love, what every child needs
d is for determined. Many people are determined to help children
r is for reading. All children like a bed time story before they go to sleep.
e is for energy. Its what children have to much of.
n is for need. Children need YOUR help.

pass it on :) xo

Been to my doctor and he's put me on medication for anxiety and depression and i would totally take them but the side affects are suicidal though and other scary stuff which may last longer than 2 weeks and i'm now terrified of taking them! My head already feels unclear and i just don't get how people with these problems can be prescribed pills that cause these thoughts; i don't wanna do something stupid, so i need to know if any of you have ever been on medication for them problems and have you ever had those thoughts etc. I'm not gonna take them otherwise, it's scary stuff... :/

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE comment and let me know :)

To avoid rambling on i'm gonna try and cut this as short as possible:)
On a rare note i got to see my nephew today, it was only supposed to be for tea but i was spontaneous; i said fuck it and we went Blackburn ice rink to teach him how to skate cause he's never been before and i'm so proud because for a beginner he fell a few time but he carried on going and by the end i had to try and keep up with him. It was the best night in a long time, i even managed to only have a mild anxiety attack which is marvelous cause lately it's gotten so bad i cant be left on my own but yeah that's that.

I left school 1/2 a year ago now but there's this award assembly for all the people who did well in the past 5 years which is total bullshit cause in my opinion everyone who went to my shitty school deserves a certificate just to say well done at least but that's not the case it seems.

becuase i'm nearly 17 in a month i got my driving forms today to fill out yada yada and i'm super excited now cause it just means one more step until i can have lessons and fnally get a car, the picture is one of the ones a want; i j'adore classic cars and will never want a shiny new one i just don't think they show personalty and at the moment i'm in love with the make of car TRIUMPH i just want one so bad either one of them or a mini mayfair, morris minor, classic VW beetle etc i've overheard my parents talking about it and looking for one so it's just a matter of time.

watch out guys i'll soon be on the road... xo

So on wednesday i'm goin to my friends house for a few hours ( don't know if i'll be able manage it but i'll do my best) and a we are going to throw eggs at the school that we went to, only left 6/7 months ago, also use silly string n TP the place. I Hated that place with a passion so i don't care if i get seen i'll just KEEP RUNNING!... and next weekend it's my sisters house that we'll be getting revenge on lol

can't wait... xo

It was a few months ago now but i was playing Raised by the wolves by Falling in reverse and overtime my dads gotten used to it and now is actually fan, requesting i play that song more, if u notice that kid at the end of the video doing a stage dive well he looks like my nephew SO MUCH IT'S SCARY and so every time we watch it we both just smile and whilst i was baking cakes yesterday i had some of their other songs on and he really got interested and stood and watched HAHA so not only have a made an MCR fan or a 30stm fan but now a fir fan, i'm quite good at converting people maybe i should go for world domination lol...

but seriously watch out...xo