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I think this could be it.

okay, I know I'm not actually going to commit suicide... I know I wouldn't... but... I... I see nothing....my mom practically told me she is tired of me, and that I don't listen... and...well... that she doesn't five a fuck anymore. and that broke my heart... I just cant stop crying and...I wish someone would care. but at the same time ... like I've mentioned before, I cant bring myself to ask for help from someone I know. well, i did ask one person. my ... so called 'best friend' but I know shes not okay. and I know she ignored my message when I told her I was here if she needed anything. and.. well honestly, I should not expect anything from her. she has let me down before... But .... well.... I still do. and shes the only one I managed to ask for help. which sucks.. because I know she will ignore my message... and... I'm .... lost. I want to runaway, but I have nowhere to go. and.. what kind of brother ignores their crying sister? I know I have not been the most loving sister...

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Im sorry, But this is the only place where I feel like I can ... let it out.. :/

that horrible feeling when you look back at old messages, and miss they way you and a certain person used to be. and you just wish you could go back to that.

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Sometimes being bored leads to becoming a demon.

well, I don't really have much to say. things.. are.. well.. neutral I guess. I cant stop thinking about my crushes... xD there's two of them. one has really long hair and his name is Jose, But I call him Jacob because he reminds me of Jacob Black from twilight when he had long hair xD and the other one .. his name is Carlos, and.. hes PERFECT ♥.♥ I swear, I have talked to him once, but he said so many things.. xD He told me hes into voodoo, and showed me funny videos, and I totally fell in love. :P well not literally but damn. plus! he looks sexy in white contacts. ♥.♥
okay, now to talk about the title, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, when i get bored, I usually demonize myself. .-. this is just another example. before, after. xD
well, ... I dont really think anyone cares. but that's okay :D
I still love you all, MCRmy(':♥

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not what I expected...

so.. I finally broke. i spoke my thoughts... and what do I get, a 'best friend' that gets annoyed with me, another friend who is scolding me, talking about my future... and I just... all i wanted was for some one to tell me it was all okay..

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I cant!

okay. I just cant take it. I cant. Its hard not letting someone know. I am so used to ... well telling my best friend... and .... lately.. I don't know, maybe its me being paranoid. but I feel like she doesn't care. It has not been the same since summer. Maybe its because I decided to keep everything to myself.. I don't know! and.. I just...I ... its so hard... when you're crying your eyes out and you're trying your best to keep your cool. trying your best to not send a message that says 'I'm.. just not okay' its hard not asking all those questions that are eating you up. It's hard not speaking your thoughts. It's hard keeping it all in. I am not used to it... but at the same time... I cant make myself say anything. I can't talk to anyone. Not even the people I trusted the most... No one at all.. even if I wanted to, I feel like I just.. CAN'T say anything. like there's someone else inside me stopping me right before I start saying anything. there's so much conflict inside my head!

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what a fake smile feels like...

does it ever happen to you guys,... when you're just so sad. and you want to die. and you cant stop crying.... then all of the sudden you get hyper, or happy? It happens to me all the time...lately I have been living in my own little fucking world, where I am unstoppable at school, and I'm just... well I guess I have a reputation for being one of the two crazy girls going around school in lace dresses, and screaming and doing stupid stuff and acting childish. that's what happens at school, and I have so much fun doing it! I have also found I became really ignorant. I don't care about anything anymore! I just forget the bad stuff. and so my days consist of mostly school, where I have the time of my life:p (ay ay) and anything after that... I just forget. I hate coming home. I really do. and just today, i do not know what happened. A lot of people asked me whats wrong? and there was nothing wrong... but I kind of ... lost myself in my thoughts. and I was serious the whole day...

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so.. its pretty good... kinda . :D *warning, this is a rant .-. :DDD

lol, I know nobody cares, but I just wanted to post this:D Well, up to now, I'm just... well I guess I'm happy with my life right now :D I have a lot of fun at school, what with having fights and throwing pecans in the mornings, and pervert Elmo dolls, and then throwing food at each other in lunch.... and then throwing pillows at each other after school in the library...and making forts, and tackling the forts... and then the principal getting mad at us... and buying a lot of cupcakes and sno cones which I totally shouldn't because I get unbelievably insane. then you multiply it times 2, with me and Victoria... and.. well you got yourself your own personal hell xD up to now... I really do love school, I hate coming home.

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would any of you mind?

would you mind listening? comforting me? Im not really good at the whole fake-a-smile-and-hide-your-feelings thing, Im working on it, and thats why im asking you, MCRmy for help... because I cant think of anyone that I know in person that cares about me. even the only one that was supposed to never let me down, did. and I just dont know anymore. I feel so alone. I dont have a desire for living, But I dont have a desire for dying either. I just dont care if I live or die, but I go for dying just a little more. If that makes sense?

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Does it happen to anyone else? Or am I crazy?

its like theres 2 people stuck in me, and then theres this third person watching it all from another perspective...

theres the ileana I hate, and the one that is constantly beating me up. telling me im too fat, not white enough, not... pretty enough. that im pathetic. how are you even breathing? why dont you just die?

and theres the ileana that want to see what life is about and hear people out.. like... I dont have a desire for living, but I dont want to die just yet... I just want to see where my life goes.. and help people out in the way... even if its just by listening to them

and then.... theres like this other third person that is just like 'this bitch is fucking crazy,
talking to herself and shit'

but I think thats one of the Evil ileanas' friend?

wait, that doesnt make sense ._.
I dont know .-.

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is it good or bad? I just want advice... please? no..? ok then :/

I just realized that.... I dont care anymore.my best friend, after everything this past summer, I realized I dont care about her anymore like I used to. I mean, I got to the point were I literally meant it when I told her I would run away with her. when I told her I would be there for her, and that she was the only one who could understand me. But now.. I barely finished my first week of school, and she has gotten into drugs, and it just disappoints me.. and well now, when I hear of her on Facebook or something, I have the urge to roll my eyes. I just dont care. and even the people that have been there for me till the end, and that are STILL there for me, they annoy me. I guess its good that I'm not depending on anybody anymore, but at the same time I want to go back to who I was. and have a good time with my best friend, and everybody else.