okay, I know I'm not actually going to commit suicide... I know I wouldn't... but... I... I see nothing....my mom practically told me she is tired of me, and that I don't listen... and...well... that she doesn't five a fuck anymore. and that broke my heart... I just cant stop crying and...I wish someone would care. but at the same time ... like I've mentioned before, I cant bring myself to ask for help from someone I know. well, i did ask one person. my ... so called 'best friend' but I know shes not okay. and I know she ignored my message when I told her I was here if she needed anything.
that horrible feeling when you look back at old messages, and miss they way you and a certain person used to be. and you just wish you could go back to that.
well, I don't really have much to say. things.. are.. well.. neutral I guess. I cant stop thinking about my crushes... xD there's two of them. one has really long hair and his name is Jose, But I call him Jacob because he reminds me of Jacob Black from twilight when he had long hair xD and the other one .. his name is Carlos, and.. hes PERFECT ♥.♥ I swear, I have talked to him once, but he said so many things.. xD He told me hes into voodoo, and showed me funny videos, and I totally fell in love. :P well not literally but damn. plus! he looks sexy in white contacts. ♥.♥
okay, now to talk
so.. I finally broke. i spoke my thoughts... and what do I get, a 'best friend' that gets annoyed with me, another friend who is scolding me, talking about my future... and I just... all i wanted was for some one to tell me it was all okay..
okay. I just cant take it. I cant. Its hard not letting someone know. I am so used to ... well telling my best friend... and .... lately.. I don't know, maybe its me being paranoid. but I feel like she doesn't care. It has not been the same since summer. Maybe its because I decided to keep everything to myself.. I don't know! and.. I just...I ... its so hard... when you're crying your eyes out and you're trying your best to keep your cool. trying your best to not send a message that says 'I'm.. just not okay' its hard not asking all those questions that are eating you up.
does it ever happen to you guys,... when you're just so sad. and you want to die. and you cant stop crying.... then all of the sudden you get hyper, or happy? It happens to me all the time...lately I have been living in my own little fucking world, where I am unstoppable at school, and I'm just... well I guess I have a reputation for being one of the two crazy girls going around school in lace dresses, and screaming and doing stupid stuff and acting childish. that's what happens at school, and I have so much fun doing it! I have also found I became really ignorant.
lol, I know nobody cares, but I just wanted to post this:D Well, up to now, I'm just... well I guess I'm happy with my life right now :D I have a lot of fun at school, what with having fights and throwing pecans in the mornings, and pervert Elmo dolls, and then throwing food at each other in lunch.... and then throwing pillows at each other after school in the library...and making forts, and tackling the forts... and then the principal getting mad at us... and buying a lot of cupcakes and sno cones which I totally shouldn't because I get unbelievably insane.
would you mind listening? comforting me? Im not really good at the whole fake-a-smile-and-hide-your-feelings thing, Im working on it, and thats why im asking you, MCRmy for help... because I cant think of anyone that I know in person that cares about me. even the only one that was supposed to never let me down, did. and I just dont know anymore. I feel so alone. I dont have a desire for living, But I dont have a desire for dying either. I just dont care if I live or die, but I go for dying just a little more. If that makes sense?
its like theres 2 people stuck in me, and then theres this third person watching it all from another perspective...
theres the ileana I hate, and the one that is constantly beating me up. telling me im too fat, not white enough, not... pretty enough. that im pathetic. how are you even breathing? why dont you just die?
and theres the ileana that want to see what life is about and hear people out.. like... I dont have a desire for living, but I dont want to die just yet... I just want to see where my life goes.. and help people out in the way... even if its just by listening to them
I just realized that.... I dont care anymore.my best friend, after everything this past summer, I realized I dont care about her anymore like I used to. I mean, I got to the point were I literally meant it when I told her I would run away with her. when I told her I would be there for her, and that she was the only one who could understand me. But now.. I barely finished my first week of school, and she has gotten into drugs, and it just disappoints me.. and well now, when I hear of her on Facebook or something, I have the urge to roll my eyes. I just dont care.