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what am i gonna do with my life???

the other day my mom came up to me and told me i need to start looking to join clubs at for college. she says colleges like that stuff or something. she said i need to start thinking of what i want to do and where i want to go. she said it probably wouldn't be able to be a big fancy one and thats alright with me i don't need that much stress added. It made me start thinking what am i gonna do? where am i gonna go? where will i live i don't want to stay with my parents? how will i be able to afford anything? what college will want me I'm mediocre at best. so now I'm freaking out and desperately don't want to grow up.

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i need to diversify my music

I'm really weird when it comes to listening to music not because of what i listen to but how. I dont listen to just individual songs i listen to huge chunks of music. I mean like its all by the same people- if i have one song by them chances are i have more on a different playlist. the playlist i listen to most has 325 songs 74 are just mcr 82 are green day 29 are neon trees 22 are flyleaf and then theres other groups that are small amounts in comparison. i need songs that i can just listen to that i don't need to obsessively search for other stuff by the same people. and i kinda would like them to be lighter and happier than the other stuff i have cuz when your super happy you dont really want to listen to something as sad(but wonderful) as cancer right?

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my (kind of) schedule

so my school posted our schedules online. kind of. they are mostly incorrect and are to be disregarded but i wish they were the actual schedule. I would have two art classes and latin class and the same teachers as some of my friends AND NO MATH. they haven't put my geometry class into the schedule yet. If i didn't need the credit i would beg them to keep the schedule the same.

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my attempts at drawing

So all the time i really wish i was good at any form of art. I tried drawing this awesome image that came to me but it wasn't coming out on paper so i simplified it and added a dove. I think that it would make a cool tattoo. I don't desperately desire a tattoo but if i got one thats what it would be. I drew a hand around it and it was the best hand i have ever drawn.... i suck a drawing hands so im pretty proud that this one at least resembles one.

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vacation!!!!!!

ever since i was four my family has gone down to the same cottage on a river and i love it so much. It makes me so happy when im down there. Its like absolutely nothing can go wrong when im there. I remember when we going down there in the car i heard summertime for the first time. im so content when im down there. i just realized im repeating myself but i cant think of the words that can describe my bliss when im there. i cant wait to go tomorrow.

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am I the immature one?

this has been eating at me since this happened. My friend was on the bus talking about all her favorite alcoholic drinks, listing off all the different ones shes had and where she was when she had them. She was like "... i was soooo drunk.." so i told her that i thought she was being immature getting drunk at 14 years old and she was like " im the immature one? but your the one who doesn't drink" I know alcohol can be damaging to your brain if its not done developing and even though we're not close anymore i dont wanna see her get hurt, but do i need to loosen up? is it not a problem to binge drink 3 out of 5 school nights? I just found out recently her and a few of her other friends go out all the time with just getting drunk in mind and i've seen them come into school with hangovers for days in a row and their grades dropped rapidly. But maybe the grade were just unrelated? maybe they're just distacted by a boy or their just not good at school work? do i need to let this go?

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stupid computer

i suck at anything involving technology but i cannot figure out how to change my profile picture on here for the life of me

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slow painful death by boredom

Apparently my life revolves around my little sisters plans. I dont mind too much that i have to watch her when my parents are at work but it pisses me off that i cant do anything until her drama camp ends. My mom says i cant go places when she has drama. ITS NOT ME WHO HAS CAMP why do i have to stay home? then my mom will be like why dont you do anything with your friends? I CANT CUZ IM NOT ALLOWED ANYWHERE. so i've been condemned to a slow painful death by boredom.

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my birthday

So yesterday was my birthday!!! im fifteen now!! my little sister made me a huge breakfast all by herself and she got me a tshirt from the show the office and my parents got me the demolition lovers hoodie!!!! sooo it was a pretty good birthday better than last years!!!

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and the sky opened up

the other day it was raining- not just raining,pouring. And i was suddenly compelled to go outside. i had just taken a shower so my hair was already damp but now it was dripping. i wandered around my yard. i never gave much thought to rain before it was always something stopping or ruining something else. but as i stood in the pouring rain i felt CLEAN my body wasnt dirty i just showered but the rain made me feel clean or maybe a better word is FREE. i think if hope had a physical form it would be rain. because rain cleans and revitalizes and brings life but it can also destroy it and torment and taunt.