Menacing_Venom's blog

When your best friend/love of your life/perfect little lily petal/cutest raccoon in the whole woodland/Emma... Does this for you instead of homework, you really can't do much more than smile and feel lucky for a change.
I'm actually smiling... Right this second... It's wrong for me! But, I'll let it run it's course.
Sorry I've been distant. I hope you're all doing well!
For all those that want to hurt themselves/leave please, I'd rather you took it out on me in a message or something... I know what it's like to hurt. I really fucking do. But, if I can, I'd like to help. Please.
Glad I have a happier blog for a change... xxx

- Empty.

There's no comfort in any words, any blood or any pieces of writing. I think it's coming.... I think I'm just about done. Soon. But when. How often will I change my mind?

But why... Or even how? It's not right but God I need it. You don't think it's right but you still need me.

There isn't anything. Anywhere. It's numb but it hurts. It's wrong but it's right. I'm dead but I'm still alive.

I'm so trapped... Just, completely stuck. What makes it worse - I can't cry like normal! Little short bursts I manage to force out, but other than that all these emotions just sit in the bottom of my stomach and the back of my mind. I hate it. I'm the most emotional person in the world, who has ran out of tears.
I can't write properly either... There's just no inspiration left.
There's NO venting! (That's why I'm doing this)
My psychologist wants me to talk to a psychiatrist so I can be put me on medication even though she knows I don't want it (one of the first things I said to her!), and she's a fucking psychologist! They're not meant to want to give us medication! I must be worse than I thought...
It's like she has either given up on me already (I've seen her 3 times...), or she just doesn't like me and wants rid of me...

- Oh my friend, why do you cry so each night?
~ For you hurt me out of spite.

-Believe me, it's only because I must.
~ I've seen that the storm erodes and rusts.

-I'm sorry for the tears of red.
~Fully aware you wish I was more, you wish I was dead.

-You must know why... Stupid thing.
~ Because of the darker days they bring...

-Yes my girl, very true.
~ Let my sail away with your crew.

- Jump the ship to promised lands?
~ No more watches or tagged bands?

- Not at all, here you're free.
~It sounds too good, what's the fee?

- Only you can come, they must stay.
~ What if they hurt while I'm away?

- They'll be just fine, if not you'd never know.
~ Hold on a second, I need to decide where to go...

The drawings are not very good I know, that's just how I spent the past 2 hours - doing silly doodles... It's more the get a point across to someone else so really they can be ignored.

I didn't go to school today, I couldn't. I'm so drained and so empty, I don't see the point in it to be honest.
The thought of condescending teachers made me angry. The thought of happy people and having to pretend made me want to stab myself. And, the thought of moving made me cry.
I didn't even lie to my mum like I normally would to try and stay off. Since my psychologist told her I'm clinically depressed I don't see the point. But, I realised what a mistake that was... My brother came randomly in before he went to work, and my dad came home randomly during the day to check on me! They've made me feel WORSE! Like I'm doing this out of spite or something. That I'm not trying enough, or doing enough. I just couldn't cope today and I've fucked everything up more...

Therapy starts (technically) today. Safe to say, I'm not looking forward to it. I feel pretty numb. Very sick. I can't sleep. I want to cry but I seem to have run out of tears. Anyone I need is too far away. I know I have you guys and others yet I can't help but feel alone. But the thought of people knowing scares me.
I want to do this alone. But I clearly can't cope what so ever. Is it normal to wish your ceiling will collapse on you every night you go to bed? Probably not.
Everyone says the same stuff. So much... I don't see how this person will be any different. It's simple: I am broken. I am the problem. Leaving is the solution. But that's not allowed apparently...

So, big step on Friday (10am to be exact) I am going back to therapy... Yeeyaa -.-
I don't really know what I'm gonna do though cause I've decided to go back (in an attempt to stop me becoming selfish and hurting my friend) but I don't believe it'll work. I AM the problem. That's the reason to get rid of me... But apparently, that's not allowed so, I'm trying! Urgh... Yuck.
All I ever do is cry when questioned about this stuff so good luck with that, Miss Therapy Woman...
I never thought I'd be going... I never thought I'd love someone enough TO go... Stupid fucking world, fucking up my plans...
If I'm going I at least want to be given a chance of a break or something. Like a place away from the world and everything cause I can't cope here all that much :/ But... Probably not, I just watch too many movies about those places...

You're cold, trapped and alone. You yell kick and scream but no one hears you.
There's something physically there, stopping you from getting back into the world. A pane of something, not quite clear, that distorts everything. It holds you captive. It locks you in. No matter how hard you try to break through it, you can't. And, if someone is brave enough to try and pull you out, it's like they just can't reach.
You sink deeper and darker, and you know eventually it'll take you.
As your eyes close you don't know what to do apart from fall asleep.
Then you wake up, and it starts all over again.

So my many many good friends, I have admitted and asked to be referred to a psychologist -.- I fucking REGRET it. But, there ain't much I can do now.
To be honest, getting them to agree with my conditions was WAY more difficult than I thought. I thought they were reasonable, and I changed the ones you guys said weren't...
I don't feel safe any more. I want to go back to no one knowing. I didn't even tell them anything that bad. I barely said anything apart from cry and say "Just agree with the promises!" or "It's not that bad!"
In simple terms it was horrible. I feel completely fucked up. I can't be in the same room as my mother, and I've (thankfully) not seen my dad yet today... It's just horrible :'(
But, I'd like to say a massive thank you to all you Killjoys and MCRmy members who took their time to write me some encouragement.
Thank you to:

WEASEL1200 (X2)
SAMANTHA ROBERTS
AISLING_XX
JOHNSCHWARCZ
PSEUDONYM BLUE (X2)
CRAZYSKITTLES1996

I wrote a blog earlier explaining my plans to ask my parents to take me to a psychologist. I have the 2 letters written out and they're in my pocket so they're not found prematurely... But I think I'm too scared to hand them over.
Maybe I don't really need it. People cope for way longer than 18 months on the method I use to cope. I don't want to stop my method either... That is fucking scary in itself...
I don't think I can do it... I'm too much of a coward.
Plus I probably don't need to go... Maybe it'll just go away on its own. I hope so. :/
I wish I had money to talk to you Emma! :'( I'm sorry for being fucking useless if you're on here...
I want to curl up and fade... More so than usual.