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I'M SO SORRY

I am so sorry to everyone on here that I talked to. I am so sorry that I completely just dropped off the planet. You totally deserve more than that. I cannot apologize enough. I am so, so sorry.
To one person in particular, you deserve an explanation more than anyone. I trust that you know who you are. The person I told everything to, and who told me everything. I wish, so much, that I could still talk to you but I literally can't. Someone found out about everything and so many things have gone on and I'm not allowed. I am so sorry.

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Why hello

Just thought I'd say hi:)

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Ray Toro's amazingness

I love Ray's new song. It's so relatable. His voice really surprised me, it's so soft but really powerful. And the guitar solo was just,.... he's a guitar god. I love it and him so much.

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DEAR WHOVIANS,

I watched "Angels Take Manhattan" today. I had just discovered it and had some catching up to do. I was all happy to see The Doctor in a cowboy hat in "A Town Called Mercy"(the episode before that one) and I was kinda geeking-out because I was so happy that Rose and Rory made it off the building alive and then Rory disappeared (the WORST DEATH SCENE EVER!) and then Amy went on purpose and I...... can't even.........
I hate and love these fandoms. It's all so emotional and happy and sad and fantastic and terrible and then you realize that these are fictional characters and nothing is happening to you but you kinda want it to be real, in all it's terror and darkness and death..........
I can't even.............................

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And Back I Fall.............

It was quick
My smile
My real smile
*******************************************************************************************

Again I fall
Again I break
Again I broke it
I broke myself
I don't know how to fix myself
I know only how to hide myself
And that only breaks me more
I know only how to muffle my own screams
And that makes me scream louder
I go back into darkness
I go back into the hole
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I see nothing but the dark
In the hole
In which I've fallen
I feel nothing but the hard
Sharp rocks
At the bottom
I taste nothing but the blood
Of the nearly split flesh
It had been a little while
Since the blood was nearly fresh
I have not yet
Since the last time
But I am close
It is taking all I have

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HOLA:)

Just wanted to say hi:) Love ya bunches my Fabulous Killjoys:)

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Tonight I'm...

Watching this epic cane-fight between two old men. The one is an idiot and is going slightly mad, they're shouting gibberish at each other. It's completely awesome.

Yeah, I'm watching LOTR. Sarumon vs. Ganfalf. One of the best scenes of the movie or book if you ask me.

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Tonight I'm...

Watching an epic fight between two old men. It's insane, they're hitting each other with their canes and screaming at each other. The one's going crazy, and the other is yelling at him for it. It's awesome..................................................................
...................................................................................................................................
...................................................................................................................................I'm watching LOTR. The scene when Gandalf the Grey goes to Sarumon the White for advice and realize that he has sided with Sauron. Love this movie.

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And out of darkness I emerge....

And out of darkness I emerge
Into light
Into warmth
Is it temporary?
Is it momentary?
I do not know
I'm never sure
I enjoy the sweetness
I indulge in the Sunshine
But I fear that it will all blow away again
That it will break
That I will break it
That the stone that surrounds me will encase broken glass
Instead of a delicate but whole figure
That I used to be
That I fixed
That I am now
I am terrified that it will go back
Into darkness
And I will feel nothing again
To block out the pain
But the truth is?
If I went back
If I broke again
If I bled more
They wouldn't notice
They wouldn't care
I would hide it
And I have
But I don't need to
They are blind anyways.

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My thoughts today....

are about death.
I was thinking about it yesterday. I was thinking about my friend's little sister, who died when she was born. Then I thought about my baby brother, and how that could have been him. And this thought came to me.
Grieving is selfish. We all do it, it cannot be controlled, but it is selfish none the less. When you grieve, you are being sad, not for them, but for you not being able to have them anymore. When you wish that they would come back, you are wishing for them to come back from a beautiful, perfect place that they have earned their place in, to a terrible world of sadness so that you can have them again.