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lostn'foundagain's blog

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I'm putting up all my "Don't Give A Fuck" Walls today.... I know I'm going to break down as soon as I get home, but for now, I'm wearing my mask....

Miss you

I love the feel of your lips
pressed against mine.
The soft caress of your hands
wanting to hold me.
I miss us.
Pronouncing our love,
Dreading saying goodbye.
I miss knowing you
and you knowing me.
Laughing at all the stupid
jokes we tell,
smiling across the room,
hugging every time we
see each other after class.
Having those late night
conversations when I'm
emotional or upset.
I don't know how
or when
we will get those times back.
I don't know if they will
ever come back like before.
If they come back...
You still make me smile,
You still make me laugh
and cry
But it feels wrong...
So very wrong that
I love you,
and you're still not mine....

need to get this off my chest..

So, first thing's first.... I need to stop talking to myself at school..... People think it's just a tad weird..

I've been dropping hints to my mom about my suspecting that I was raped at age 6. She called my sister to ask if it was true, and my sister pretty much confirmed it... I thought I had dreamed the whole issue up and now I can't stop thinking about it!! Ever since I started dating and having sexual feelings for people, I've been getting flashbacks of that day and another day..... It's causing me to self destruct... I feel like that fucking movie "Perks of Being a Wallflower" was based off of my life..... How fucking horrible is that??!! I mean, the similarities!! It's truly terrifying.... cause I've tried lots of that stuff, I'm antisocial and awkward... Just, wow.... I'm scared....

I have this on repeat......

The Speed Of Pain by Marilyn Manson.

Ranting's of a confused suicidal.....

I've been on a fucking roller coaster of emotions this past week. I've been angry, sad, depressed, suicidal, happy, manic, etc, etc. Any emotion someone could feel has happened to me this week and i just can't take it!!! I'm sitting here in science trying not to cry because I just got hugged by Aaron!! There's just so much shit happening right now and my mom took away all my blades and i don't know what to do!!! I'm planning on dropping out of Highschool!! and my mom's tempted to just let me! I admit, I need structure in my life... I need rules.... But I don't WANT them! I don't know what the fuck I want right now!! I ran away last Tuesday, and now I still want to do it again,..... I don't want to be at my house... I don't want to be at this school! I just want to curl into a ball and disappear into NOTHING!!! Maybe I should go talk to my counselor right now... but IDK!! I'm so confused about what's going on in my life, that I don't know much of anything...

Online Music Stations

Do you guys know of any free, online music stations that I can access at school? that play a good variety of music?

Self Destruct

I attempted to post a blog about what's been happening..... but my computer crashed and deleted it all.... I am just so done right now.... I want to curl in a ball and sleep for the rest of this godforsaken life i have been forced to live....


So my mom's been turning off the fucking internet again.... god dammit!! She doesn't see that talking to my friends online at midnight keeps me from feeling pain... :/ Told you the downward swing was coming... It'll pass, hopefully soon.. And OMG SUPERNATURAL'S ON!!!!!!!! I'M SO FUCKING PSYCHED!!!! XD sooo yea, and my Twitter account has been locked :( I don't know how to unlock it DX it suuuuuucks!!!!

Blah School

haha, I have some pretty weird titles for my Blogs XD So, today I was going to skip school. cause my allergies are getting petty fucking bad, and I can't talk for shit. Also, I was going to hang out with Austin, I mean, like, where would I go if I skipped... Might as well hang out with someone.. but I chickened out. lol I've never even skipped one class.... So, I think Austin and I might end up going out.... like, he's told me that he likes me and if I wanted to go out with him, he'd date me in a heartbeat. My friends approve lol ^w^ Guess that's pretty great. You know that feeling of embarrassment you get for a character when they do something stupid? yea, that's always funny. And you like have to hide your face. haha XD So, I'm falling towards my downward spiral again... The whole Manic/Depression thing :( yea, get ready for more poetry.
<3 Love ya'll <3

Me an my buddeh! ^w^

This is me an my buddeh Austin. Haha XD