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i give up on it

So today my best frends girlfriend accused me of something and forced my best friend of four years to not talk to me anymore. So i lost one of the greatest people of my life because of a stupid, insecure, pshyco bitch. I dont care anymore to be honest. This bitch has done it to all her friends and wont allow her to talk to anyone except her. And she actually obeys her. So if thats the way we roll, then i dont care, im out of this fucked up town in a year anyway. I can survive a loss.

Like my parents said, friends arent forever.

i will never forget...

So i learned something new about suicide:
If you start seeing it as a way out, that if something goes bad youll just end it,
Then that is when you need help the most.

Theres a positive outcome,
And a negative outcome to either living that way or seeking help.
The positive, is that youll see life in a more optimistic view, being able to problem solve.
The negative is that youll live with this option of a permanent escape route, full of panic.

I honestly dont know which one im on. Im one to say "i wont do it" then attack myself later the same day

But ill never forget the moment, the night, the

i cried

"Bright lights, Big city,
She dreams of love,
Bright lights, Big city,
He lives to run."

-Bright Lights--
Love, Lust, Faith+ Dreams - 30STM

"do or die" music video (30STM)

So i watched the video and it made me realize how much im missing out in the world. Theyre are many beautiful people out there, with thier dyed up hair, piecred ears and faces, eccentric clothing and meaningful backgrounds, and i think "wow im plain compared to these people, but we still, possibly could be friends if we met."
.... I absolutely fell in love with the girl with the pink hair. Her story made me tear up. The whole song at that is just probably one of my ultimate tracks.

I feel tiny. I real wish i was able to participate in one of the videos.....

if youre close to your family, do not read this.

Im feeling such a murderous rage right now, i honestly think this could be it. Im fucking done now. I have no family, they are officially nothing to me. I dont mean to anger the family minded people on here, but at this point i dont care anymore.
The fucking guy is gonna tell me to hit my sister with a towel, (just to play around) when i tap her lightly with it, he says "you always have to be an idiot about things" he takes the fuckin thing folds it up and wacks her twice with it. And ends up making her cry.

a starry eyed state of mind

I dont anything to blog about anymore it seems....

Ive just been researching colleges, and picking out my graduation dress. (Yea i plan way ahead of time) this one dress i want is black satin to the knees, and the top like from the top of the chest to the neck is blue with a lace covering.... it looks kinda.... dark princess i guess. Im just trying to get it before my mom ruins another graduation....
Two weeks and school starts.... i dont know if im ready health wise to deal with this last year.
Senior year...
Im gonna need you guys

bring the roses.... its time.

I tell my parents (dad) that my arm feels funny, its numb he just tell me it nothing, you need to shut up, its nothing blah blah blah. I ask can you just set up an appointment?? Get my blood checked for high cholesterol?? No. What the FUCK do i have to do for some one to fucking CARE around here!?!?!? Do i have to be foaming at the mouth for them to seem im "HAVING AN ISSUE!!! ALERT!!!!" Great thing is my arm went from being numb to just a giant fuckin ache that hurts when i move...

This right here, tonight, utterly proved they dont give a fuck.


Well...... both are in two weeks. One is easer to do than the other. Im starting my last year of high school
September 4th.... REALLY not looking foward to it. Ive become sleep deprived but my dad still wont help me take the extra classes out of my schedule. So i figured that, yea, ill work my butt off this year, give it a last ditch effort and when graduation comes, show everyone how hurt, used and depressed ive become inside.
As my dad said: My graduation wont be much to celebrate anyway.

God i need a best friend. I need some one i can wrap my world around. Besides my bf.

angry poem. (sorry)

Save me from the repeat,
This cycle of defeat.
The life of iridescent lies,
Fuck all the fake goodbyes.

I wish you away, i wish id fight,
Have someone turn off the light.
Its shining way too fuckin bright.
Take my skeletons dancing tonight.

I have plenty for you to get mad about.
I couldnt bury them all throughout,
This cemetary is too clean, make it dirty like my dreams.
The blood stains reappear and so do the lovers tears.

Dont turn your back, its too dark to see there.
Give me your hate and ill give you my fear.
Take it to your grave and away,
Maybe you shouldve seen it a different way.

brokenup youre the best but....

I cant help but to absorb what people say or do to me. And i know it makes you flustered when i talk down on myself, but after a lifetime of hearing that im stupid, i cant think of any other way to look at myself.

Idk if youd believe me if i told you that EVERYONE that is close to me, with the exception of a FEW people, think im stupid to mentally damaged?

I just was told yesterday, 4 times (both by males ironically) in less than 2 hours, that i was stupid. Today in the morning, what i said was called stupid.

So, as you can tell ive been crying and drowning myself in my music.