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laurajane666's blog

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On The Plus Side...

I'm seeing MSI in November. If my mum doesn't decide to take my money off me and try to stop me going, that is. But i'm not thinking about that. I'm trying keep some excitement. It's not quite happy but it's close enough.

~Laura xx

The Only Roller Coaster I Want Out Of.

I need to get off. I can't take it anymore. I hate that one minute i'm on a hype and the next i'm below low. It's scary and so is the fact that the thoughts that don't change are almost comforting. 'You've always got the easy way out', 'If it get's any harder, at least you can end it'. It's not right!! I don't like it and my doctor's on holiday and isn't back until next week! I need the help now before it gets worse. I'm pretty much open to any suggestion right now. Don't be shy, help me!



I don't like it. I don't like the guy and i don't like talking about stuff. I know it was only the first session but i know it wont help me. I know what will help me and what wont. I can't so counselling. First of all, the guy was asking all the wrong questions. 'Tell me how you feel'. 'Why do you think that?'. 'What do you think that means?'. 'How do you think they see that?'. And, i'm not stupid. I can tell when someone's lying to my face. He told me that he didn't think i was fat and that he thought i was perfectly normal. I don't like being lied to.

Is It Time Yet?

I kinda feel like i'm not gonna make it.

I keep drawing the same thing. A kid sitting alone in a white room, sat with his head in his arms and his arms on his knees. He's crying. There are also tendrils of darkness seeping in. In every picture, they're getting closer and closer to him. And there are always this pair of eyes. Just watching him, waiting. I've tried to draw something else but i can't. Is it a sign? I don't know. All i know is that i can't stop and it was great at first but now it's a little scary. Maybe i'm a little crazy...

No i'm not. I'm not insane. I'M NOT!!

Back In The Game.

I've been drawing a lot more recently. I'm not very good at it but i love doing it. I stopped for a while because of books but now i'm doing it again, i feel a little better. None of my pictures are happy ones but it kinda sums up how i am. Art really is the weapon here and i'm on the receiving end. But that's okay. It means that i can start to deal with things and finally get back on the road to recovery. As we all know, it is a dangerous road but i think i'm ready for it. That's all i have to say. I hope you guys are doing okay!

Much love,

~ Laura xx

Just blogging.

Hey. I wanted to blog but had nothing new to talk about. So... Yeah... Hello, strangers of the Killjoy family!! How is the day treating you? Yeah... I'm going to bed. Night!!

~ Laura xx

Soaring! Flying! I'm feeling it!

I'm in a really weird mood. Does anyone else get a random high after they've been depressed for a long time? The crash is horrible but i'm gonna savoir the moment. I'm also really really random. But my English teacher is being a bitch. Anyway. That's me! A jumbled mess of colour and drainingness. How're you guys doing??????

~ Laura xx

I can't be asked to think of something that sums up what i'm feeling.

I know i post a lot and i'm usually moaning but i really need to vent. I'm really sorry people who read this.

I've been feeling really down for just under a year now but it's been hitting me really hard lately. I keep spacing out and then getting confused. I feel like crying all the time and then when i'm happy, it's like i'm not. I don't really know how to explain it. Sometimes i wonder of things are real or not. Just today, i was speaking to my friend and then she left the classroom. I honestly thought that i'd made her up. I panicked because i thought she wasn't real.

One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind...

I'm doing it. I'm leaving my bedroom. I know i leave for school most of the time and i go to my grandparents on a Saturday sometimes but this is different. I'm willingly meeting up with people and socializing. This is really big for me because. for the past few weeks (Really months but it's been worse recently) I've not wanted to talk to anyone. I kind of shut myself off from people and now i'm determined to change that. For bank holiday, i'm gonna go and get shitface drunk with my friends and we are gonna have an awesome time. This shall be a new day and hopefully, will help me get better.

The End...

I've been thinking about it a lot recently, is that bad? Is it worrying for me to be thinking of death already? What do you guys think?