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January 8!!!!

January 8 is going to be an awesome day. Let me tell you why: first the new MCR singles will be available for download on itunes (hells yeah), then the new Black Veil Brides album is out that day. Oh and lastly American Idol is premiering that night. I don't really watch that show but i thought it might be fun to start watching it this new season. i'm really excited for the new music mostly though because BVB is turning their album into a movie called Legion of the Black!!!!!! And so yeah this should be a great week.

P.S. i watched The Hobbit on Saturday and that movie was epic. Can we all take a moment and appreciate how awesome Thorin and Bilbo are?

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Miss May I~ Hey Mister

I am obsessed with this song right now. I was reading AP magazine and the band explained this song in one of the articles and i felt like this was exactly how i feel. Songs like this help me feel better about not having my father in my life. It feel s so empowering especially at the end when he says "This is what i got, i don't need you anymore". He sounds so strong and i remember that i could be that strong too, i can let go of him and move on with my life. In the end he's going to regret not being in my life as much as he should have. But i really love this song and i've been listening to the live performances and i just love it so much. This song just make me feel so much better. Before this song i had Memphis May Fire~ The Abandoned. That song is amazing as well. But the one song that explained everything to me so much and even made me cry when i first heard it was Demi Lovato~ For the Love of a Daughter.

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What is it? I'm not sure. my mom says she loves me. i say i love her. I do and i know i would do anything for her. is that what love is? the willingness to give up everything for one special person. i never felt love. no one outside my family ever told me they loved me. never had a real boyfriend or a real girlfriend, never met that one special person who made me feel alive. sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it. like i'm a worthless piece of shit. and i don't get that. i can talk to pretty much everyone. i'm a little social like that. but i reserve myself, i hold back. i'm not popular but i'm so nice. my friends say i'm funny. maybe i'm not that pretty but looks shouldn't matter that much. i just want a real relationship with someone. i don't know why i want to feel loved so much. i just want to hear someone say "I love You" and mean it. i think i need it. something's missing from my life. i think it has to do with my father. my mom is a single mom and raised us herself.

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My Teacher Loves To Pick On Me!!!

So i'm in AP Physics and my teacher is so playfully mean to almost everyone in the class, but he has a few favorites he likes to pick on like me. I wrote a lyric from MCR on the back of my book, it was "But does anyone notice, There's a corpse in this bed". And he keeps saying that i'm going to kill him and that i'm some sort of weird psycho or something and that i hate myself. He think i hate myself because i told him about my first concert experience and how i was in The Wall Of Death. So today i stayed after school to work on a project and i brought my friend along because she wanted to watch. I'm standing right next to her while i'm helping my group complete our project and my teacher walks up to my friend and says "Are you friends with her?" (talking about me) and she says yes. And then he says "Why do you like HER?" (like it's a bad thing to be friends with me) lol and she says because she's funny. LOL and i can't help but laugh because it's so funny.

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Soundtrack To My Life

Opening Credits: I Never Told You What I Do For A Living~ MCR

Waking Up: Teenager~ MCR

First Day of School: How You Remind Me~ Nickelback

Falling in Love: Pages~ There For Tomorrow

Fight Song: Cemetery Drive~ MCR

Prom: Everything Has Changed~ Taylor Swift (awww!)

Life: Falling Away From Me~ Korn

Mental Breakdown: The Victim~ Memphis May Fire

Driving: Dear John~ Taylor Swift

Flashback: I Don't Love You~ MCR

Getting Back Together: Shake It~ Metro Station (i forgot this song was on my ipod)

Wedding: Thanks For The Memories~ Fall Out Boy (YOU HAD ONE JOB IPOD)

Birth of Child: I Write Sins Not Tragedies~ Panic! at The Disco

Final Battle: Deathbed~ There For Tomorrow

Death Scene: Mama~ MCR

End Credits: So What~ P!nk

I'm not sure if any of you guys know how to analyze dreams but i've been having these weird dreams of my ex for three days in a row. I'm trying to get over him and it's not helping that he's in my dreams. So on the first day when he was in my dream i remember that he was getting drunk and he wanted me to drink with him and i wouldn't. And he tried to force me to drink with him. I thought this was weird because he doesn't drink and he would never peer pressure me into anything. In the second dream we were just in school as we usually are and i waited by the entrance of the school for my friends. Then he comes and is walking toward the school to get in. He sees me and gets extremely happy and hugs me. In the third dream i was in school and i was roaming the halls because i had a free period and this teacher who i'm cool with calls me into his classroom. He had a class but asked me if i could help him out grading the test since i had a free period.

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Monster Energy Outbreak Tour!!!!!!

I went to the concert last Sunday in New York and it was amazing!!!!! I saw Memphis May Fire live and i freaked the hell out when they took the stage. I love them so much and i've been obsessed with them for right now. I See Stars was there and my God did they bring the party. And one of the guys from I See Stars walked right in front of me and his arm touched me. I didn't ask for a hug because i didn't really know his band that well. Attila was the first band out there and they were so AWESOME. As I Lay Dying almost got me killed. They asked us to do the wall of death and this being my first major concert, i freaked out. I thought i would get trampled or something, but i was fine. They were just so awesome too. And of course it being the Asking Alexandria headlining the tour, they gave it their all and were amazing. but the real lead singer of the band didn't preform because he said he fucked up his throat so he has the two singers from I See Stars fill in for him.

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Thing I Love About MCR

I know some people are like why MCR? I'm starting to get into more music that are really loud like screamo, but i'll never stop loving MCR. They really are my everything, it's because of them that my self esteem is higher than it was a few years back. It's not the music at all, because there are plenty of bands out there that have amazing music and play really well. No it's what MCR has to say. It's what they don't say. It's everything they have taught me through the years. It's because of them that i don't feel so alone, so worthless, so depressed, so suicidal. It's because they make me feel like i'm a human being. They make me feel like a somebody like i'm important, like the world really wouldn't be better without me. And they taught me that's it's okay to not be okay, to be traumatized, to be broken. They taught me that i can overcome anything thrown at my way. And now i'm finding my voice, trying to help others out there that feel the same way i feel but don't know how to cope.

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Trying To Move On

So a few months ago i told this guy that i liked him and i wanted to go out with him. And he says yes. So i'm sitting here thinking oh shit but we're both shy. So of course neither of us want to make the first move so i'm cool with that and instead of being boyfriend and girlfriend we're more of the stage before that (if there is one). But most importantly i'm thinking that this will go somewhere so i'm trying my best to flirt with him and do cute things. And then one day he tells me that he doesn't really want to go out cause he thinks he's asexual. And let me be clear i'm cool with any sexuality. But i'm kinda crushed right now, i mean he was the first guy i thought was worth dating. I'm in high school and i haven't had my first real boyfriend yet. I haven't even had my first kiss. And i know these things shouldn't matter and they've never mattered to me before but i'm tired of being by myself. i mean i am happy being single and i can live perfectly like that.

So i had this thing with a guy in my school and he broke it off last night. I was texting him and later in the conversation he says and i quote " Well to be honest i don't really wanna go out cuz i'm starting to think i'm asexual but idk" ASEXUAL? ASEXUAL! And i feel like such an idiot and i played it off like it didn't hurt. I decided to tell him there that i was bicurious because why not right? But that doesn't change the fact that i liked him, like really liked him. We were only going out for six months tho and i made sure to not get so attached or serious so it hurts less than i would have. I mean i was trying to get serious and now i wonder if this relationship was one sided this whole time. Like in October i gave him a gift. it was a cd that i burned a playlist on. It was full of these cute songs about that special someone and i feel like such an idiot now. Here's the playlist
Music Again~ Adam Lambert
Wish You Were Here~ Avril Lavigne
I Miss You~ Blink 182
Summertime~ MCR