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i don't even understand this anymore

i'm tired of trying so hard to be good. no one appreciates a good girl. i started cutting class a lot, mostly my history class and on friday i missed a new project we have and i need a group. i hate going to class because i'm so depressed right now that i can't focus and i get so angry. but i don't want to fail so i must go to class now. UGH. i fucking hate being a good girl, i get overlooked all the time. my mom doesn't even bother checking my report card anymore since i always get good grades. sometimes i just want to drink so much alcohol and get wasted and just give up.

I'm Getting Sick And Tired of This Shit

i fucking hate my dad. he's just so selfish. how hard is it to show love to your child? if you didn't fucking want children than you shouldn't have any. he just does what he wants, takes what he wants, and doesn't even care about how his children feel. how he damaged us. i fucking hate his guts. and i hate myself. i have his last name and i hate it soooo much. i hate everything that reminds me of him. the other day he came over to take some of his things away. if he's going to walk out of our lives he needs to just hurry the fuck up and do it. my mom moved on anyway, she has a boyfriend now.

My Birthday!!

my birthday was yesterday. it was so much fun. my boyfriend refused to tell me what he was doing and he teased me about it all day. the suspense was killing me. so he took me on the train and we went to 34th street and the surprise was.... DINNER!!!! he took me to a vietnamese restaurant. the food was soooooooooooo gooood. the way to my heart id through my stomach. then he surprised me with a necklace and it's so cool. then we walked around the city for a bit and decided to watch a movie. we watched Pain and Gain, it was really funny.

Tomorrow Hopefully Will Be A Day To Remember xD

Tomorrow is my birthday!!!!! i'm not sure what's going to happen. my boyfriend has been teasing me all week with small hints. and then he acts like he's not doing anything. i just can't wait to see what he's going to do. mostly i can't wait to just spend some alone time with him. i just love my friends okayyy, i know they are probably doing some meaningful stuff and i just can't wait. i'm feeling so nervous/ excited. ASDFGHJKL

~ESOMbullets

When Boredom Hits xD

1. Any scars? A few, from being reckless and careless
2. Crush? my bf
3. Kissed anyone? my current boyfriend was my first xD
4. Coke or Pepsi? neutral
5. Someone you hate? no one
6. Best friends? a few close ones
7. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? i took a sip of vodka once, it burned, A LOT
8. What's your dream job? to be a musician, i want to sing and play instruments on stage :)
9. Ever been in love? in love with my boyfriend right now <3
10. Last time you cried? yesterday, i got upset for stupid reasons
11. Favourite colour? Robin's Egg blue
12. Height? 5'7"
13. Birthday?

My Thoughts About Today

So my boyfriend is sick. he has allergies and gets a nose bleed. :( my poor baby is suffering, not in a good mood. i just want to make him feel better. i want to wave a magic wand and make him feel better. i saw a photo yesterday of a semicolon and it said " on April 16,2013 everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, going through a broken heart, just lost a loved one, etc. draw a semicolon on your wrist. a semicolon represents a sentence the author could've ended, but chose not to.

I Just Want To Know Your Opinion On This

yeah so i don't really want to make a public blog about it. i would like for someone to message me. there's just some things i want to say and i don't feel all that comfortable saying it out loud like this. just a warning it may seem personal, but i'm just curious to know what other people think about this topic. But please someone message me so i can get this off my back. Thank you.

~ESOMbullets

I Finally Let Someone In.

i had a boyfriend now for about two months. actually two months today and i'm happy. his name is Raul and he's the most perfect person ever. anyway he's the first person i actually let into my world and not pushed away. i was so afraid of love, i always feel like i'm going to be disappointed in the end. i never had a boyfriend before. but Raul makes me feel so welcome. he puts me at ease and it's so super easy to talk to him. today i cried in front of him. i couldn't help it, i felt so bad and just wanted to cry and so i did.

Eve Ensler

If you don't know who she is, you need to get with the program(lol). i read two books by her, I Am An Emotional Creature, and The Vagina Monologues. she is a huge inspiration to me. i read emotional creature last year and it's all about what teenage girls go through around the world. everything from rape, sex slavery, peer pressure, protesting, anorexia, wanting to have sex and so much more. it is real deep and personal. it opened my eyes to a lot of things, and it makes me want to become an activist so much more now.

I AM NOT OKAY!!!! UGHHHHHHH

sometimes i hate coming here to rant. i don't really like to bother people with my problems. i feel like a buzz kill sometimes. i just have a hard time getting all my emotions out. these past few weeks haven't been good for me and i'm not sure how to begin. my father is abusive. when i was eight i saw him choke my mother in front of all his children. i felt worthless ever since. i've been so depressed and suicidal but last year was the time i started to finally let go and get better. i made an account on here and you guys helped me a lot.

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