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I Feel Like Shit

seriously like i just don't get it. i can be so depressed for like months and i'll get really bad and then out of nowhere i can be happy for a few days but it'll go back. and right now i feel like shit. i hate myself. i want to make myself throw up. i can't get these bad thoughts out my head. i know i shouldn't think like that but i don't know what to do. i try to be happy but i fell myself becoming emotionally disconnected from people. i don't tell anyone about whats going on and i used to talk to my boyfriend about this. but these past few months for some reason i cant bring myself to tell him either. i'm lost

~ESOMbullets

i'm in this saturday theatre program and we use the performing arts to make a positive impact in the world. we share our personal stories, especially the ones that makes us cry, and then we write a play about it and perform in front of an audience about what we have been through, what they have been through, and to open eyes to create change. the way we prepare for it is that we do these exercises where we share personal information about our lives in different ways. mostly in the end we just say it out loud and explain or we do it through our physical reaction to things. two weeks ago we were read statements and we had to stand if it applied to us. this was extrememly intense and it got me thinking about a lot of suppressed memories i had as a child. when i was in elementary school this girl used to molest me. almost all the time we were together she would massage me, or touch me in inappropriate places. then it was my aunt's friend's son.

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I'm a Senior!!!!

Which means the college application process ugh! but i think im doing fine all i need is information from my family and pay for it and i'm done. i wrote my college essay on how MCR changed my life and everyone loved it. my english teacher read it and i only made two grammar mistakes which she help me correct. so i'm feeling good about that. Oh and friday i'm going to see Memphis May Fire at the Best Buy Theater in Times Square if you'll be there let me know. I'm so excited because this will be the first concert me and my boyfriend attend together and i think this is very important for us because we both love music so much. i know he's going to make me crowd surf even though the thought scares me. you see i'm afraid of heights only if i don't feel secure enough. so going on a really high roller coaster is fine but crowd surfing while there's a possibility that i can fall to the floor scares me. i hate instability and not being in control of my body like that.

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i want to talk

i wish we could just have a public chatroom where we could talk to one another. i have a new problem that i need to discuss and i want to do it privately and the lady i was talking to hasn't gotten back to me about counselors i can see and i just ugh i don 't know but i need to silence these thoughts and i just can't.

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UGH

why do i feel this much pain? i just really am so confused. i hate this. i just want all my bad feeling to go away. i hate feeling absolutely fine one week and then feel like absolute shit the next. it never goes away. i hope to hear back from the social worker i was talking to. she was supposed to find me a counselor to go to so i can get all my feelings out. i just want to give up on everything. i have these urges to just smoke or drink and be completely reckless. i've never drank or got high before. and i get these strong urges to hurt myself and i try to fight those back as much as i can but i'm not sure how long i can do this. i just want it to be over.

~ESOMbullets

Lafari's picture

UGH

why do i feel this much pain? i just really am so confused. i hate this. i just want all my bad feeling to go away. i hate feeling absolutely fine one week and then feel like absolute shit the next. it never goes away. i hope to hear back from the social worker i was talking to. she was supposed to find me a counselor to go to so i can get all my feelings out. i just want to give up on everything. i have these urges to just smoke or drink and be completely reckless. i've never drank or got high before. and i get these strong urges to hurt myself and i try to fight those back as much as i can but i'm not sure how long i can do this. i just want it to be over.

~ESOMbullets

Lafari's picture

UGH

why do i feel this much pain? i just really am so confused. i hate this. i just want all my bad feeling to go away. i hate feeling absolutely fine one week and then feel like absolute shit the next. it never goes away. i hope to hear back from the social worker i was talking to. she was supposed to find me a counselor to go to so i can get all my feelings out. i just want to give up on everything. i have these urges to just smoke or drink and be completely reckless. i've never drank or got high before. and i get these strong urges to hurt myself and i try to fight those back as much as i can but i'm not sure how long i can do this. i just want it to be over.

~ESOMbullets

Lafari's picture

UGH

why do i feel this much pain? i just really am so confused. i hate this. i just want all my bad feeling to go away. i hate feeling absolutely fine one week and then feel like absolute shit the next. it never goes away. i hope to hear back from the social worker i was talking to. she was supposed to find me a counselor to go to so i can get all my feelings out. i just want to give up on everything. i have these urges to just smoke or drink and be completely reckless. i've never drank or got high before. and i get these strong urges to hurt myself and i try to fight those back as much as i can but i'm not sure how long i can do this. i just want it to be over.

~ESOMbullets

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my father is a fucking fucktard

seriously, he's the worst father ever. and i'm not just complaining, this is serious. he's so fucking selfish. i mean if you're going to fucking walk out of my life like you don't give a shit then don't come back out of no where dragging me along down this trail of false hope to just fucking walk the fuck back out of my life, SHIT. like if you're going to go then please by all means go i will open the fucking door for you. but this in and out shit is not working for me. and he's so goddamn immature. i mean he was abusive to my mother. he abused her physically, emotionally, verbally, and financially. he treated her like shit and he decides she can't take it anymore and leaves with her kids to live with my grandma. they broke up before having me got back together to have me and then basically been separated ever since. she has another child by another man and whatever nothing much to say there. they don't stay together.

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hi guys

this blog is to just say hi to you guys :). i come here to feel better and make others feel better and i'm glad i have this. so how are you guys doing? i hope you all are happy and doing exciting things. to those who started school already i wish you luck. i start school in about two weeks. i hope you guys are having fun, because you are all awesome sauce!!!