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Losing my Mind

I've been typing for hours on my screen play that needs to be professionally submitted by tomorrow evening. Over 60 pages have been rewritten over and over. Checking for typos...Thank god for spell check. I've never smoked so many fucking cigarettes in my life until tonight. Went through a whole damn pack. I now know why professional authors smoke like chimneys. I would lose my mind if I didn't have my smoke break.......

Stolen questionaire...

1. Height: 5 ft 10

2. Virgin? God no xD

3. Shoe size: 9 or 10

4. Sexual Orientation: straight

5. Do you smoke? occasionally

6. Do you drink? occasionally

7. Do you take drugs? recreationally (guitly I know)

8. What age do you get mistaken for? 16, though I'm 19 almost 20

9. Tattoos? 1. On my left forearm. Never getting a job :D

10. Piercings? Ears and industrial

11. Best friend? Sen

12. Relationship status? Taken atm

13. Favorite movies: Once

14. Someone you miss: Best friends from when I was little

15. Most traumatic I guess the last time I ever saw my mother.

Somebody That I Used To Know (A letter to my sister)

If you hate reading the same old upsetting blog well skip over this. If you're curious and would like to give me some advice feel free. I just need to post this to get it off my chest.

Dear Christine,

This will be my last letter. I will be writing no more, and after you read this you can push me back to the depths of your mind and forget me. But for now bare with the last words a stranger wants to say to you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I may have scared you with my last two attempts to contact you.

What I thought Impossible...

If you've read some of my last posts, you would know I'm trying to rekindle a relationship with a sister I haven't seen for 10 years. Well I met her for the first time last week and it did not go well. So what I thought impossible was. Honestly I don't even want to think about what happen...It was only five minutes...Five fucking minutes and she already deemed the relationship impossible, as long as our biological father was still alive...

Of course more happened but it's just something I feel ashamed of, and I've no idea why. But I'm giving up on any type of family bond.

Advice needed from outside source AKA you Killjoys

So I have a sister I hardly know. The last time I saw her was ten years ago. Our relationship is estranged due to our father who wasn't there for either of us during our adolescence. Her situation was, 'Mommy and Daddy got a divorce and Daddy never payed child support" My situation is 'Mom and Dad are junkies who will spend every last dime for their mindless self indulgence and will beat the living hell out of you' I'm over that now, it's in the past and I can move on peacefully.

MSI show in NJ

Has to be one of the toughest concerts I've ever been to. Mostly because I had to keep tabs on my roommate who's only been to on concert and that was MCR...All I have to sayis that LynZ decided to have her butt planted on my head until security finally dragged her off. I didn't even realize she jumped into the crowd until she kicked my friend in the face xD

So my roommate and I were at the barricade and the crowd was so rough I had to lift her, than myself out of the pit and we ran in opposite directions.

What I thought was impossible

Actually is. Last Friday I decided to contact my sister for the first time in ten years. A lot has been going on in my life, and I decided now is as good a time as any to talk to the woman I share my blood with. If you want to know what happened last Friday I posted that on my profile. But it's been a few days, and it seems to me that she won't be contacting me.

I have to think sometimes, that when she looks at her 4 year daughter if she'll think of the first time we met.

Today I did what was thought impossible

I drove all the way to North Jersey and found my sisters home. I haven't seen her in over 10 years so I just parked my car a block away, and lied in the drivers seat thinking I was satisfied with that. My bestfriend who accompanied said otherwise and said I was going to knock on the door. It's 10 o'clock at night, pouring rain and pitch black out, I tell her no, but she somehow convinces me to and gets me out of the car. That 30 second walk to the front door was a blur.

Anything but a sob blog

I need to be over those.....As of how I'm going by it, it's probably not the smartest way, and I might just fall into this mindless self indulgence...But it's fun right now xD Anyway,everything is rather Alice in Wonder Land like because I'm not really taking anything in, today is going to be like a quick dream for me, just for the fact that I havent slept the past 48 hours. It's all awesome other wise.

Terrific

I know, lately all I have been writing are sob blogs. But at this point in my life I can sob at how pathetic and low I've become; something I've never wanted to be. I can't really live with myself at the moment for how disgusted I am. Believe it or not...Drake Bell...Out of everyone I know..Actually can describe how I'm feeling.

i've lost the fight, my strength that everyone say I have is gone.

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