So i've been debating suicide all day today, and just by this guy Ryan's greeting me, acknowledging me, and inviting me to a get together (refused, i barely know the guy, so now matter how nice and good looking he might be i am not giong to his apartment!) i've been singehandedly convinced out of it. Yes, i am obviously that desperate for social contact. Anyways, here's the story. I decided to go get chick fil a for dinner, all alone of course as usual. Halfway through my sandwich, this guy from my Psychology class appears out of nowhere and says hi.
Well you know your irrepairably socially retarted when you fail to make friends everywhere you go, here included obviously. I must have some sign taped to my back telling people not to make friends with me, or for that matter to hire me for a job. *sigh* I hate college. I hate never having friends to hang out with. I hate my whole fucking life. I need a fucking time machine, that or a fucking gun.
I'm back! Been gone for a few days, busy visiting family and meeting the new puppy, which has been a huge, much needed pick me up. Got to talk to a friend i havent talked to in a while, too. Anyone miss me?
@_@ Woke up with this horrible migraine today. Still waking up. Not looking forward to the next few weeks at all, cause i know they're gonna be hard and i'm not good enough mentally to deal with it all. BUT we're getting a puppy today and i'm so excited to hear about how the first day goes! I can't wait to meet her when i go home for the weekend on friday! XD She's a nine week old mixed terrier named Lily and right now she's living in a foster home just four houses down from home.
My week instantly got ten times better. I'm grinning for the first time in over a week! Why? WE'RE GETTING A PUPPY! She's nine weeks old and her name's Lily. Me being in the dorms at college i have had no idea we were getting a puppy up until now...and i still don't know what kind Lily of dog Lily is, but still...I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A DOG AND NOW WE'RE GETTING ONE YAY!
This isn't me. This isn't me, its who i've become. I'm just a shell of my former self. But who is my real self, and is it nothing more than an idealized version of me, the person i want to be but can never become? Is the real me somewhere in between the depressed shell and the perfect idealized person i wish i was. Or is the real me even able to be defined? All these things and more i wonder.
*sigh* This is why i should go to class. Skipping leads to random, half-asleep shit like the above ramblings of my inner mind...it doesnt even make sense, or sound very good, not really.
@_@ Tired. The food truck brought foodstuffs for the dorm's cafeteria and woke me up bright and early at 7am - it docks right below my room so i *always* hear it. Add that to the fact i could not get back to sleep and you got one crappy monday morning. It doesn't help that i had more suicidal thoughts last night than i've had in a few days. I know its just a selfish escape but any kind of an escape sounds awfully good sometimes at this point.
I never thought i'd say this...but i can't wait for monday! All this sitting around in my dorm with no one to hang out with cuz i'm friendless is driving me crazy. I need stuff to do, classes to go to, homework to complete, studying to do, all so i won't think about the fact that my parents just about hate me for failing this semester of college they paid for and for the fact that its either tell them i've been depressed or let them think that...neither option sounds appetizing. Ugh Monday needs to get here. >_<
1. height: 4ft 11in.
2. virgin: yes
3. shoe size: 5
4. sexual orientation: straight
5.do you smoke: Hell no.
6. do you drink: Hell no. Yes i am a boring college student, i've already been made aware of that thank you.
7. do you take/do drugs: Hell no
8. what age do you get mistaken for: I'm only 4ft.11in tall at age 20, so i regularly get mistaken for being only 13 or so. Which sucks cuz then they end up thinking my little brother (13 and football player big) is the older one.
9. tattoos: None, i hate needles.
Have any of you ever had days, or for that matter weeks, where you have no motivation do to all the things you need to do in your day and end up having to force yourself to do it? Not the i'm-sick-of-going-to-class-and-listening-to-the-prof-ramble kind of lack of motivation the i-really-dont-wanna-get-out-of-bed kind of lack of motivation. Ugh. I need motivation...come Monday i need to get my ass in gear though, actually get out of this dorm room and do some studying too.