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Chronicals of a Depressed Cutter Pt.1

This isn't a fanfic by any means, morelike a public journal/daily-blog type thing for me. Idk how often i'll be updating it, though i'd love to say daily. This is just about me and how i'm handling my chronic issues with depression, cutting, and no self confidence whatsoever. So yeah, experimental daily blog part one here goes!
I cut again last night, high up on the thigh same as last time so i can hide it under my shorts in this horrible texas heat. It actually bled a little for a while, unlike last time. I was suicidal last night, too, but a friend of mine helped me out.

Guess im not as over cutting as i thought i was

Not that anyone ever read my blogs yesterday as is evident by my lack thereof of comments, but background knowledge isnt really neccessary just hear me out. Some shit happened yesterday and some stuff's going on and basically i'm getting stressed out, overwhelmed, and in over my head again and am once again finding myself hating myself. I thought that with me being okay and fine and normal these past three or four weeks that all this was past but here it is again and what do i do? Instead of doing anything remotely positive or helpful i go and drive a razor into my leg. Brilliant.

Bad poem in paragraph form, just my thoughts really.

Where are you? What happened to you? I can’t feel you anymore its like your slipping away. I can’t take it but I’m frozen here just watching. I remember when we were little things were so simple, so carefree. We would play at your house, playing with Barbies and all sorts of little figurines. Your little sister would follow us around, wanting to play along, and the hardest decisions we had to make were what to play next. Why can’t things be that simple again? Ten years have passed since then. Why can’t things be so simple again?

Not so good right now

Me and my best friend (and only real friend) are fighting because i have a tendeny to talk about bands/music, me approving of homo/bi-sexuality even tho im straight and living with conservative christian parents and shamelessly putting it in my stories alongside heterosexual couples, and the darker side of life - all things which she disapproves of and for her religion it is a sin to associate with those things. Well, not the darker side of life part, that just serves to make her ongoing issues worse.

Loving the song 'savior' right now

"So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed, I am here,Saviour will be there,when you are feeling alone." ~ BVB's song "Savior"

^ is my new favorite song lyrics. Its nice knowing it was written precisely for fans and precisely for moments like these.

Keep running,
~ Kari

Anyone available?

Ugh. this past semester i was worse than ever before, then around early to mid may i got better and stayed better, but this past week i've just been going in another downward spiral. this time my best friend isn't here for me, she's too busy wallowing in her own problems to even contact me...she talked to me for the first time in a week, but she's got so much stuff on her shoulders i dont wanna add to it. So yeah the only one i have is her sister, who doesn't know the vast majority of things, to talk to. Anyone wanna let me vent/talk to them?

Babysitting today

So i'm going to be babysitting a three year old boy and an eight year old girl today along with my own eight year old sister. I already know the eight year old girl, so that's a good thing and i know she'll be easy, but ive never babysat her three year old brother! Or three year olds in general, just young school age children and one year old babies. What fun this will be. I think a trip to the park is in order lol. Anyone wanna throw some tips my way?

Advice please?

Really? No comments on the last blog? I feel so loved being overlooked in the midst of a mental breakdown. Anyways, that doesn't matter, i guess, cause thats not what im here to talk about. i'm on the fence again, at the point where i can either let myself get dangerously depressed again, knowing full well where that path leads, or i can hold my head up high and fight through it.


damn it! i just checked my grades, soemthing ive been avoidng for days, and i failed more classes than i thought i did. we can barely afford college as it is let alone to let me retake 3 classes cause i failed them. damn it i fucked up again cause im too weak to handle the fact im socially awkward as hell and cant make friends outside my very tiny social circle of three friends. now ive fucked everyhting up again. nothing can fix this. nothing can fix this! no damn it why. why did i get myself stuck in this never ending cycle. i cant do this, i cant.

Slight predicament, not sure what to make of it yet.

Okay, so this past week i've been more resolved to get better and be the person i know i can be than ever before. I am not my dperession and i can and will control it, not the other way around. that has not changed. What has changed is that my bestie found out about this blog! I didn't want her to find out because i didn't want to scare her or freak her out. I guess it was inevitable considering how often i mention this site to her, but still. I'm not mad, but i'm not happy about it either.