Everything is just falling apart. and i'm just having a really hard time dealing with it. I kissed a boy yesterday, who I didn't like... like.. at all.. and U am really anxious about that, because that was kind of like my first "real" kiss and I fucked it up. And now I'm hearing that my sister might be moving back in.. and she is a fucking train wreck, so that is making me nervous... And I don't want that kid to go blabbing through my school about our kiss. And I talked to him about it and he said he wouldn't but I am still scared.. and I just. I can't deal.
If you were in a situation where if you told the truth, you would get the help you need, and you would feel better, but you would hurt everyone around you.And If you lied, you would still be in agony, but everyone would still be content with life and blissfully unknowing of whats going on with you, would you lie or tell the truth?
Everyone is dying.
I have so much to tell you.
Okay so on Sunday October 14 my friend Jacob drowned in a lake and died. and he wasn't even really my friend. I had a class with him last year. I talked to him... I... We talked about the book "Heaven is For Real". He was reading it at the time. We were debating the concept of God. It sucks to loose anybody. But you don't understand. This kid was a star football player with a bright future. He was gonna be something you know? It sucks that he is gone. But on Monday Everyone was so distraught. And I have this issue with expressing my emotions.
I really don't have a family. I have a biological mother, who is a bitch. I am always paranoid about her because she usually has something u her sleeve. She is VERY manipulative, and she is VERY sneaky. And I have a biological brother, who is so condescending towards me. sometimes he can be nice, but most of the time he is an asshole. IDK why either. I never did anything to him. And I have a biological sister, who is mentally ill, and pretty much tore my family apart and didn't care and left me in the dust to deal with the aftermath she created. and I have a biological dad.
You know, ever since I was little, I have been the only one looking out for me. No one else gave a shit and no one else gives a shit now. I'm the only one. I fucking care too much. Every time I see a person on twitter who is just loosing it and flipping out, I ALWAYS tell them I'm here for them and I care. Whenever someone on Facebook is upset, I ALWAYS tell them I'm here for them and I care. I don't tell them this so I'll get it back, I do it because I know what it feels like to be so lonely and depressed that you only have technology to reach out to. It's just that no one cares about me.
Okay In Middle school I was fucking tormented. Like, bullied so bad all day every day. It was torture, and I think now that I look back on it, to cope with that, I just became very withdrawn. I kind of just made up stories in my head, and kind of eventually completely like lived in my head. I really couldn't deal. Well, I'm a senior in High school now and I have been just extremely depressed and anxious lately, I don't even have a reason to be, I just have been. And I have been very withdrawn, and Now I am pretty much living in my head all the time again.
Okay, so I have come to the realization, that maybe I perceive that people don't care because I don't want them to care... or the thought of them caring scares me, because when they care, they might tell someone else. I also have realized that I don't trust ANYONE. I don't fully trust a soul. People are just assholes, and I have been lied to and used so many fucking times that I just don't trust anymore, which scares me because how am I supposed to further any kind of social relationships if I don't trust anyone. O man. What am I gonna do?
Okay so this is really random and stuff but I have been thinking about this more often lately. and you know what. When people on twitter are like, "I'm so tired of hiding behind a fake smile and lying about me being okay".. I'm all over here like, I'm perfectly fine with that, because I am nowhere ready to talk yet. But still, today I was just thinking(which is usually a bad thing for me) about my life and where I am going and my future and stuff and I came to a realization.
Okay so I am having a pretty terrible night. My friends haven't been talking to me in a while, and i only have 4 kinda good friends, so i have been feeling pretty anxious that they are mad at me or something and i really need someone to talk to it is just hard cuz why would someone care about me? I mean, i'm really nothing. And like,have been more depressed lately cuz like, I don't even know. I know it is petty but i just hate the way I look. I just hate it. I really want to change something.
I have decided to tell the truth. The whole story. My story. I have tried to keep it in for so long, and it is killing me. So, here it is.
I have a sister. She is four years older than me. We used to be so close growing up. I would sleep in her room at night, and we would play together every day. There was a darker side to her though. She would always hit me. She was so very violent. (more violent that the average little kid), but i loved her so very much. She was my idol. I copied her on everything! every since I was three years old. She said her favorite color was pink, so was mine.