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the dead dreamer

create something beautiful
i can hear your heart beating
fingers snaring flesh to the sound
pull on the veins
the ones most visible through skin
im cut wide open. wide open, i am cut.
im cut wide open. ill let you in when i am done.

i embrace every color
even ones that we can’t see
the ones that you can only feel.
sew me back. im tired of these threads being undone.
sew me back. im tired of all the separation (two from one)

there’s a pulsating sensation within me.
and if only you knew just how it feels to be alive.
ill send a postcard. because i truly wish you were here.
i close my eyes and


Five days after the surgery, my stitches still bother the hell out of me. I think they're supposed to dissolve? Idk but I'm terrified of getting dry socket. I haven't been able to smoke all this week, so I haven't been exactly a happy camper. In other news, I decided to pick up skating again this week (of all weeks when my mouth is at total risk and i've been doped up on painkillers) but I'm quickly getting my bearings again. I can land a shuv-it again, and I'm super stoked on that.

So what else is happening... Hmm well I uh recently came across a Bonnie Tyler tape and I've been jamming that

Been jamming some Fugazi. Had some wisdom teeth cut out

I'm pretty sedated right about now. Or.. well drowsy would be a better word. I was really sedated earlier when I couldn't stop groaning looking at the track mark in my arm. I really wish there would've been an alternative to the surgery than tying me up to machines and sticking an IV in my arm. I felt my heart beating faster.. well I heard it too. I was connected to machines and the whole idea of hearing my heart rate sketched me out. Oh well, that's over with. The experience was very... idk. It's as if I was present for the surgery but it happened at sorta hyper speed?

i may go back to treating this as a diary for my poetry

i had started a tumblr dedicated to it, but i really only use my main tumblr when i'm on there and never think about using my poetry blog. would anyone be interested? i promise it'll be better than some of the garbage i used to post.

i wish i could go back in time and have picked a way cooler name

i mean i could've been like shotgunsinners72 or sistertosleep67 and i would've made even more friends when i was like 12/13. but i guess i figured joshisanmcrfan would do. a bit obvious at the fact that i found out there was a whole fucking community dedicated to this band, i better have been a fan.

the joshisanmcrfan strikes back

not really. i just remembered this was a thing. do people still actively participate in this blog? bc this band's broken up i know, but this used to be like my second fuckin myspace back in the day. it was a little community, full of activity. i met so many friends on this thing back on the day. it's p weird.

if anyone's reading this. don't go far back on my blog. i'm not going to delete my blog like a pussy but you're also not allowed there.

well. evening children.

this is just to people who know me through here so they know i've made a new account i'll delete this one in a few days after everyone has the chance to see this i suppose

Also Conventional Weapons

I'm uber excited for this. I can't wait for the first two tracks to be released (btw I see what you did with Boy Division. Heh. Nice reference). I also like the change of pace how they are releasing them like the Pumpkins did with Teargarden by Kaleidyscope. It's nice. I'm really happy to be able to hear those live songs cleaned up and recorded as well as hear what we were originally going to hear. It's all very exciting. Now if only they would record Sister to Sleep with it THAT would be interesting. But that's from forever ago and I'm sure it's all forgotten xp But yes.

Apart, late birthday, and a haircut.

K so last Tuesday was my 16th birthday xp and that was well.. a change i guess. Kind of a shitty birthday.. But. In other news, I just got a really bad haircut as shown above (where you can see i made fun of myself) xD I miss it being so very long ._. So... this all kinda sucks. However I am seeing Apart this friday so I can go get emo and get skramz as fuck and two step with them and let it all out <3 Plus being around my friends will be a nice change of pace from how things have been lately.