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My Killjoy: Disco Dynamite

This is my Killjoy, Disco Dynamite. I drew her last night at about 3 in the morning. I'll put what I wrote on it down here in case you can't read my writing.

Data (left hand side)
Real name: Anneliese Lawson
D.O.B.: 9th January 2003 (she'd be 16 in 2019)
Skills: good marksman, fast, knows first aid, speaks some german, french, spanish and japanese
Weaknesses: short temper, doesn't bond easily with others (bad in a team usually), a little paranoid and doesn't trust easily, can't handle temperature change easily (as in the temperature change that would happen in the desert of California 2019)

So. Motherfucking. Furious.

HOW FUCKING STUPID AND UNFAIR IS THIS STUPID FUCKING WOMAN?
SHE GETS TO GO OUT ON THE TOWN UNTIL 1 AM AND COME HOME DRUNK, BUT IF I WANT TO GO OUT TO SEE MY FRIENDS WHO ARE ABOUT 20 MINUTES WALK AWAY ON A WELL LIT ROAD WHILE ITS STILL FUCKING LIGHT I CANT? WHY? WHY AM I THE ONE WHO ALWAYS GETS TREATED LIKE A CONGENITAL MORON?

And now I have this absolutely seething rage. I need to hurt someone or something. Not just like 'oh I'm going to kill them I'm so angry' kind of thing. I would willingly murder just about anyone right now. I need to hurt something or I won't calm down.

I think I've made my mum an MCR fan.

We have this thing going called Tunes For The Car, which is pretty self-explanatory. Every few months, because we like to have a selection of different things to listen to in the car, my mum makes a CD of various different songs. She stopped putting the right numbers on so we're probably on the 17th one by now, but this evening she finished volume 14.
I was listening, sort of zoned out, and then -
"They're gonna clean up your looks/ With all the lies in the books/ To make a citizen out of you..."
SHE PUT TEENAGERS ON TUNES FOR THE CAR.
Got excited about that, danced around for a bit - you

Just ranting.

Well, ranting/wallowing. Feel no need to read this, I just wanted somewhere to talk to myself and I felt like here.
***

I'm basically a worthless dickhead. People tell me I'm good at stuff and that I'm confident and shit like that, and I'm blatantly not. I had to interrupt Matt's day today to get him to take me to town to this place where people hang out, so I could try to make friends. Yeah I talked to people, but everyone talks when pushed next to another person. They don't know my name, they won't remember me, they didn't find me interesting. They're just alleviating the awkwardness.

For fucks sake, just get me a guitar teacher

I've been trying to learn to play guitar. It's taken me a few goes to get at it but I've finally gotten somewhere - I can play the chords A, D, C, E, E minor and A minor and switch between them all without pausing, which is something for me. I've gotten onto bar chords and I've looked online but I really don't get it. I get the general idea of what I'm supposed to be doing and yes, I know I'm supposed to practice, but you can't just say to someone 'practice' without giving some tips as to what they might want to change to improve what they're doing.

I think I finally truly get My Chemical Romance

Of course I loved them before anyway, but I never quite understood how music could really make a person feel better, and how they could save lives - I know they've got inspirational lyrics, but they never seemed to affect me - until today.
If you've seen my last post, you will know some crazy dark shit has been going through my head lately (feeling worthless and inconsequential, telling myself not to eat, trying to scratch/bite myself, I'm more fascinated than worried by self-harm pictures on tumblr now when I'm in a downer). I discussed it in more detail with my boyfriend last night, which

I think I'm going slowly insane.

and I don't mean that I just need to chill out a bit, or that I'm going a bit more zany than usual. I mean I think there's actually something twisted inside my head.

The main thing that worries me is what I can convince myself to do when I get into a downer. It's difficult to argue myself out of things that my mind has come up with, because my mind can argue a point just as well as the rest of me can, and it knows what works on me.
When I get down - I don't want to call it depression because I don't necessarily think it is, and I tell myself I have enough problems as it is, the example being

PROOOMMMM

It was prom yesterday and this is just my recount of it.

I was dressed all in black . . . as usual . . . short black dress, black high heels (I had trainers in my bag 'cause I couldn't spend the whole night in those devil shoes), my mum curled my hair, I managed to not fuck up my make-up. Alix came to pick me up and take me to Ryan's (me, her and Patrick were meeting at Ryan's for drinks before prom). She looked like she'd been attacked by Brendon Urie, in a good way.
So we spent some time in Ryan's garden drinking his supermarket's own-brand WKD-type stuff, which I actually quite like, and

My 20 favourite bands

After MCR none of them are in order.

1. My Chemical Romance
2. The Blackout
3. Fall Out Boy
4. Panic! At the Disco
5. Gorillaz
6. Muse
7. Deaf Havana
8. The Killers
9. The Cure
10. The Smiths
11. LeATHERMOUTH
12. You Me At Six
13. The Cribs
14. Green Day
15. Without A Face
16. Red Hot Chili Peppers
17. Smashing Pumpkins
18. Bob Marley
19. Blink 182
20. Daft Punk

Picture I Did

It's, quite clearly, a cartoon of Cemetery Drive, which I have decided is my favourite song ever. I sent it in to the head of a Gaiaonline guild I'm in that makes an online magazine each month, and she's giving it a whole page :D (if you want to find the magazine look for Artistic Gaians Guild, I'm Voldeturtle).

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