iMissYOUsoFAR's blog

Yeah I didn't really have a title. And so I just.... chose a line from a song. Maybe this song does work, I'm not sure really :p Anyways. This blog entry shall start out with me saying MERRY CHRISTMAS! and hope you all had a safe, happy holiday :) My Christmas was pretty good, so much better than last year's Christmas. I mean... last year I was..... anyways. This year I'm happy to say that I came out to my friend about my summer secret thus eliminating a total secret, I have a girlfriend whom I love dearly even if our religion doesn't want our love to be and even if her family hates my guts, I got an adorable teddy bear puppy named Maisy (its pronounced Mayzee), and I'm thankful for the cousins I have still today.

I'd like to take a blog entry here.... just to sort of talk about my family and about some thoughts I had in my car. Tonight I celebrated some more Christmas with my more.... emotional side of the family. First off, let me say this: they changed a tradition right off the bat and it pissed me off while making me happy, because usually we go to my aunts house in Wisconsin, but since Julianna had all of her tubes and medicines here, we couldn't. Why the happiness, because I have a horrible and I mean god awful fear of bridges. Get to that in a sec :p anyways.

I just.....
I needed somewhere to talk..... so today I woke up at 4 in the morning. First off, let me say, I am FUCKING TIRED OF THIS. You know, at first it was just like, okay so I'm having nightmares again. Maybe its the medicine. Maybe its my emotions. Maybe its the disorders. I have no fucking clue. But then they.... they just keep getting worse! Did you know my average hours of sleep per week is 11? ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS! I had THREE cups of coffee today! (you can probably tell....no, I'm not neglecting my caps lock in any way, I promise. The scene is safe. My mind is just a horrible place to be). I went to my great-grandma's birthday today. She's 88, and she is in Dialysis. And so I was around people that I didn't really know, and they were all wondering why I was drinking so much coffee.

I honestly have no idea what to call this blog entry :p but hello! WE'RE ALIVE! Thursday night going into Friday, I slept about half an hour. Long enough to have a nightmare. Lets put it like that :p But I really...thought I was going to die....sometimes its almost disappointing how expecting I was to die and then it didn't happen...and its like "why was I waiting?" :/ anyways. I talked to my friend about it and she prayed with me. At about 4:45 or so, I started to pray again, and I was just.... bawling. I apologized for everything. Came clean about everything. I felt like total shit. 5:08 came around and I cried. I was okay with the last few minutes of my life to be just crying, though if I could have, I would've called Mimi up or Matthew or someone, and just tell them the things I wish to say to them. And then 5:12 came and I was relieved but sort of bummed out....idk. My head works that way :/ Later that day, the same sort of morning that was my Thursday happened.

The title fits perfectly with how I feel right now, and reason being? It's 12:42 on the day that we're all supposed to die....so here's where my rant begins. This morning I woke up at 4 in the morning, from my nightmare I call "pool of tears". and I couldn't take it. The only thing that stopped me from doing something bad was Mimi, and even then, I freaked myself halfway over the edge. After a while, I felt a little better. And then later today (well...yesterday actually), it hit that it was my last day here on earth (yeah okay, so you may think I'm totally stupid for believing in this, but I can't help but think that something made those Mayans stop writing, and our religion states that God is the only one who can know when the world will end, but people also believed that God was the only one who could grant miracles, and then they found that Jesus and saints could as well.

I'm probably super slow for not getting this..... but I'm a slow person. So I was talking to my friend about the shit I've been through and the things I've been judged and used for, and so I turn on the song "I'm Not Okay" on YouTube. and guess what?! The person hanging in the background of the CD and cover of My Chem's CD, I Brought You My Bullets You Brought Me Your Love, the man is I think.... Houdini. So, just to clarify, Houdini is an escape artist that Gee happens to like :) I like him too, he was incredible at what he did. In the music video "Im Not Okay", Gerard says he likes him, and Houdini was known for his suspended escapes, where they put him in a jacket or in chains and hung him from his feet. Tada. I think that's sort of an epiphany right there :p

'Tis be another random moment where I'm gonna bitch my way through my afternoon. So. Funny story here. I have many.....many many accounts of nightmares. I've sort of named them all, for example:
"The Truth" , "Watch Me Burn", "No Exits", "Pool Of Tears", "Turn Away",
"Time To Wake Up", "Just Dirt", "Ashes Ashes We All Fall Down", <--the newest one
"The Crow", "Hide and Seek", "What Have We Done?"
And several more. But just about....maybe half an hour ago.... I had a hallucination. Yup. So I'm getting worse I think. My mom called me and said "Hey, make sure you turn on all of the window lights, don't forget the ones upstairs" and hangs up. So I leave Ink Masters (my new favorite show by the way) and walk upstairs into my parents' bathroom, turn on the lights, no problem. Go into our bathroom, plug in the lights, no problem there. Go into my sisters' room (they're twins, they share a room), plug in the lights, turn around, and there in front of their bunk beds.... its this girl.

Ugh, so I'm in English class. Man I love this class :') The teacher, first of all, really enjoys having me in her class (she's pretty much the only one...) and she loves that I write. She knows what I've been through, thus she read it in my letter to literature, and she respects me. And I'm here, listening to Sleep. Over and over and over again. Last night I woke up screaming.And so I listened to this song a lot.
"There are these terrors. And it's like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my...
There are these terrors. And it's like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat
Like last night, they are not like tremors, they are worse than tremors, there are these terrors
Like last night, they are not like tremors, they are worse than tremors, there are these terrors
And it's like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat and squeezing and
It feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat"
Some say, now suffer all the children And walk away a savior

Hello reader who ignored the title for the sake of my well being <3 I just, like always, have something to take a nice bitching at. No one really fucking cares about my life, most of you (unless you're Mimi) don't know me whatsoever. And you probably don't care about my night terrors, or my personality disorders, or my family and friend and relationship problems, but here I can say anything. So right now, I'm in my room, bawling my eyes out to the song Disenchanted. A couple days ago, my mom told me that this song basically made no sense. But it really does. And I can probably break it down if I needed to, but my family wouldn't care because they don't give a flying fuck about me. Plain and simple.
And when the lights all went out We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself, But it started with an alright scene.

Damn this song, in every way, is perfect. Just wow.... I think this song might be my favorite off of CW so far (might, mind you) :p I seriously have been listening to it ever since Mimi told me to earlier this morning. I should have looked it up when I woke up from (take a wild fuckin guess) another nightmare (*and confetti falls from the ceiling because we ALL know you were correct*) ugh....I'm sorry about the horrible sarcasm. Its getting pretty bad as I have more and more of these, but I'm just sort of sick of them....so mine from last night, idk why anyone really cares, But anyways. I'm in a bed in what I think was an asylum or hospital. My hands and legs were locked to the table, and all over my body are nip/tuck plastic surgery lines. (Yeah so my nightmares have gotten a ton more technical fyi.) and my eyes were pure white. My skin was pale and blotchy. Suddenly, my friend appears, accept her eyes are black. Pitch black.