iMissYOUsoFAR's blog

Hey Killjoys! I hope everyone is having an okay New Years Day :) I... am having an opposite. In fact, today for about the hundredth time in my lifetime, I wanted to run away, just getting the fuck out of here. And that was before any of tonight's shit had happened.

Hi everyone :) I hope you are all having a great New Years Eve :) I mean.... I'm not :/ I'm stuck at home doing absolutely nothing. But I thought about it... and I realized.... that I mean... I've made it through the worst year of my life. I shouldn't even be here. And I sort of... just had flashback after flashback and I just wanted to... Idk... go in a little depth on what happened. I know the rules are no suicidal or self harm posts, so I won't go in depth there. But lets just say... last year on New Years Eve... I wasn't exactly who I am now. So I'll start January.

So I just sort of wanted to blog about something, anything, right now, because it sounds like I am gonna be awake for about 5 more hours... at least :/ For starters. I woke up this morning..... 3:30. DEAR GOD KILL ME! And I had to literally calm the fuck down and Not tell anybody because by now its probably just annoying them.... I didn't go back to sleep, let me just say. Went to Church, slipped on ice and face planted in snow. My friend Kate wasn't at Church, and I needed to tell her something... blah. Got home and burned my hand making pancakes.... great. Fucking magical. My favorite jeans didn't fit and I nearly through a tantrum. My dog is a shit machine -.- I went sledding in the frickin 20 degree weather. I crashed into a tree and got pushed down the hill. Got a bloody nose and blisters on my hands. My dad said we could all go down one more time. I went down on the frickin best sled there. And ended up breaking it. Ha that's okay. A barbed wire fence stabbed my back and cheek.

Hello (again) everyone (again) for the second time today. Thus I am (again) writing a blog entry (again) about a stupid-ass nightmare (again) that I had last night (again). Fuck. So last night I had that one....the They Will Never Hurt You one.... this one I had around 4-ish and I was gonna blog at that time instead of now but my computer is an asshole. And now I feel like shit and like crying my eyes out again instead of giving a fuck about the rest of the world but... Anywho.

I bid thee good evening. Well....good morning. But really, not so much "good" :/ I know I've gone a couple of days, maybe a week or so, without posting a nightmare of mine on here. I have had one every night, mind you, but I thought I was getting annoying. But its almost 2:00 right now, and I'm crying in my bed, freaking out because... well....
I'm with Mimi in a dark hallway with flickering lights and leaking ceilings. Don't ask why, my dreams don't make sense (yet somehow they manage to be extremely detailed.....) I am wearing a white dress, and hers is black. She takes my hand and leads me down the hallway, saying softly “they will never hurt you, they will never hurt you, they will never hurt you”.

Yeah I didn't really have a title. And so I just.... chose a line from a song. Maybe this song does work, I'm not sure really :p Anyways. This blog entry shall start out with me saying MERRY CHRISTMAS! and hope you all had a safe, happy holiday :) My Christmas was pretty good, so much better than last year's Christmas. I mean... last year I was..... anyways. This year I'm happy to say that I came out to my friend about my summer secret thus eliminating a total secret, I have a girlfriend whom I love dearly even if our religion doesn't want our love to be and even if her family hates my guts, I got an adorable teddy bear puppy named Maisy (its pronounced Mayzee), and I'm thankful for the cousins I have still today.

I'd like to take a blog entry here.... just to sort of talk about my family and about some thoughts I had in my car. Tonight I celebrated some more Christmas with my more.... emotional side of the family. First off, let me say this: they changed a tradition right off the bat and it pissed me off while making me happy, because usually we go to my aunts house in Wisconsin, but since Julianna had all of her tubes and medicines here, we couldn't. Why the happiness, because I have a horrible and I mean god awful fear of bridges. Get to that in a sec :p anyways.

I just.....
I needed somewhere to talk..... so today I woke up at 4 in the morning. First off, let me say, I am FUCKING TIRED OF THIS. You know, at first it was just like, okay so I'm having nightmares again. Maybe its the medicine. Maybe its my emotions. Maybe its the disorders. I have no fucking clue. But then they.... they just keep getting worse! Did you know my average hours of sleep per week is 11? ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS! I had THREE cups of coffee today! (you can probably tell....no, I'm not neglecting my caps lock in any way, I promise. The scene is safe. My mind is just a horrible place to be). I went to my great-grandma's birthday today. She's 88, and she is in Dialysis. And so I was around people that I didn't really know, and they were all wondering why I was drinking so much coffee.

I honestly have no idea what to call this blog entry :p but hello! WE'RE ALIVE! Thursday night going into Friday, I slept about half an hour. Long enough to have a nightmare. Lets put it like that :p But I really...thought I was going to die....sometimes its almost disappointing how expecting I was to die and then it didn't happen...and its like "why was I waiting?" :/ anyways. I talked to my friend about it and she prayed with me. At about 4:45 or so, I started to pray again, and I was just.... bawling. I apologized for everything. Came clean about everything. I felt like total shit. 5:08 came around and I cried. I was okay with the last few minutes of my life to be just crying, though if I could have, I would've called Mimi up or Matthew or someone, and just tell them the things I wish to say to them. And then 5:12 came and I was relieved but sort of bummed out....idk. My head works that way :/ Later that day, the same sort of morning that was my Thursday happened.

The title fits perfectly with how I feel right now, and reason being? It's 12:42 on the day that we're all supposed to die....so here's where my rant begins. This morning I woke up at 4 in the morning, from my nightmare I call "pool of tears". and I couldn't take it. The only thing that stopped me from doing something bad was Mimi, and even then, I freaked myself halfway over the edge. After a while, I felt a little better. And then later today (well...yesterday actually), it hit that it was my last day here on earth (yeah okay, so you may think I'm totally stupid for believing in this, but I can't help but think that something made those Mayans stop writing, and our religion states that God is the only one who can know when the world will end, but people also believed that God was the only one who could grant miracles, and then they found that Jesus and saints could as well.