iMissYOUsoFAR's blog

Hey Killjoys :) So I'm home from school today, if you want to hear me rant about it just wait a little while, I'll be posting on here again, just to get some things out. But I did finish this song, and I'm sort of... "proud" of letting my feelings out this way. Because I'm not that good at song writing, and this wasn't a worthless piece of shit like it could have been.

Its like autopilot, put on overdrive,
put a hand up to everything they offer, you'll pray, and she'll strive,
and you'll measure all the pressure, just to feel alive,
but as the numbers go down, we realize.... you can't survive,
so you fight and you fight but go nowhere in the war,
and something inside you churns, she can't do this anymore,
so give up girl, or is this not your lowest score,
well if it wasn't true, what would they say it for?

The truth hurts like sticks and stones,
tears you down, down to your bones,
and all you see is a silhouette
of what she used to be

So, a lot has made this day so fucking ridiculously awful, but I'll survive I think. I now have to do my homework in the kitchen, I didn't get fuck for sleep, I barely made it through show choir, Mimi and I are on a break (something I actually understand), Justin Bieber is really fucking on my nerves, and I have to see my therapist again. POIUYTSDFGHJKVWE. All of it. Here I'll rant about it:
So, beginning of today, went something like this: woke up. Hello 3:35 in the fucking morning, hope you slept well because I FUCKING DIDN'T. Bloodshot eyes. Headache. Dog on my face....at least a cute dog.... anyways.

.....girlfriend went home sick. Lonely in choir.
...all of my world history homework is due tomorrow....
.....People are getting curious about me...
lightheaded. all the time....
my mouth tastes like puke.....
I don't know what happened.....
got no sleep last night.... literally went to bed at three....woke up an hour later.....
so hungry..... could eat the floor.....
shaky. so shaky.
freezing....
former bitch in my class is trying to convince me that I'm pretty.... she walked in on....nevermind
my favorite site (besides mychemicalromance.com) is finally up.
Friend won't acknowledge me....
need sleep...
need inspiration.....
can't finish my song....
need to cry more.......
what's wrong with me.....

sorry for that. just needed to get some things out.

Hello Killjoys! :D
Okay. that was way too happy for how I feel right now.
I've only broke down crying in the past 3 days a total of 13 times. Dear Lord. I'm not eating very well either, but not for the reason one would think. Last night I stayed awake watching a show called Skins, and I'm highly enjoying it... I got hooked on Cassie and Toxxie (Toxxie is Maxxie and Tony....two sort-of gay guys.... hot).
People are sort of confusing me right now... like.... 4 people. Yeah. 4. I mean, everyone I ask they're giving me the same thoughts that I'm having about them, but its just hurting inside that I'm being pulled into it. One listens to me, all the time, talks to me constantly, and people keep saying "o well he likes you!" .... -.- he shouldn't like me. My girlfriend well... she didn't even talk to me last night :'( and then the other two... well whatever. I guess that really shouldn't matter to me but my anxiety and paranoia is striking over them.

HI GUYS! So after my really horrible, painful, and exhausting day, I am here to say that MAKE ROOM!!! AND KISS THE RING ARE OUT ON YOUTUBE! Haven't seen them, DO IT FUCKING DO IT! Make Room!!!! (sorry, I need to include the exclamation points) is just.... Mimi's right, super sexy. And honestly, its sort of how I feel right now. I knew from the moment I saw the title that I wouldn't be able to wait for it to come out.
Kiss the Ring, its just... like okay I heard their non-conventional weapons version (kind of like how they had a version of The World Is Ugly out there on the worldwide web before it was released) and this just blew me away.

So right now, I'm having a case of i-don't-know-how-to-feel-ness. I feel like my emotions are practically so numb that they're exploding out of me on autopilot? Does that make any sense? Probably not, whatever. But since it's January, and its been a year, and now its just hitting me all over again, and I wrote a song about it. It has a little bit to do with a nightmare I had, but more of some things I learned tonight, all after seeing a commercial, for yes, Dr Oz. Don't ask why, but it all tumbled down from there. This is all I have of it.... I'm not sure if I'll add more really... probably but you never know :/

Its like autopilot, put on overdrive,
put a hand up to everything they offer, she'll pray and she'll strive,
and she will measure all the pressure, just to feel alive,
but as the numbers go down, we realize... you can't survive,
so you fight, and you fight, but go nowhere, in the war,
and something inside her churns, she can't do this anymore,

I just wish I knew what.....

I'm in English.... and I walk in and show a couple of girls my new puppy. No big deal. I sit down at my table and a guy (Travis) across the room stands up and yells "Hey Taylor, I like your... leather jacket."
And I smile, not catching on that they're all just assholes....
and so he's still standing, yelling across the room (by the way, my awesome and caring teacher was Not in the room) "Yeah, its really hot"
Then Jackson cuts in, "Yeah, are you a biker chick or something, is that really appropriate Taylor?"
Not that I'd care if it was or not, but I answer "who gives a fuck" and plop down in my chair, drop my book-bag on the floor, and get out my computer. When I hear this.
"So like, you're Bike-curious?"
I look up, sure I heard him wrong.
"Aren't you, are you curious?"
"About.... bikes?"
"Bike-curious" he says again.

Hi... again... it's been about an hour and I wrote another one. This one is for the one I had a couple nights ago and freaked out a whole lot. I wrote a poem for it after I wrote Watch Her Burn (if you want to read that one, its the entry before this... wow I'm stupid) but anyways, I think I like this one better, not really sure, whatever. They're both disturbing... as disturbing as me? Mm... maybe.

Are you lost, my little dismay,
running and running, just running away?
dressed in the black as black as my eyes,
take slow steps, don't ruin the surprise.
Why so afraid, the bridge isn't breaking,
perhaps if you listen, there's chance of you waking,
stop all the tears, thus I am your fears,
I'll take you away, to where no one hears.
The only way out, panic you might,
the bridge has no end but to end in your fright,
blood from your eyes, fingers like knives,
to murder yourself is to end both our lives.
Wear this with pleading, the noose and the blood,

Hi everyone. Welcome to 10:15 at night. I had a nightmare last night that I've had before, of course some things change in them every time, but it was still horrible. I got about 2 hours of sleep, so better than some days, but I got bored and wrote a poem about it. I thought... might as well post it on here.

Skin on high heat, lips singe like fire,
desire is painful, but pain is desire,
the shadows of demons, dance on the wall,
one just waiting for the other to fall.
Her blood only boils at his passionate command,
her eyes locked to flames, her heart in his hand,
regret fills his head, only she could ever give,
and he throws her away, the sin to let live.
Four stories down, to a blacktop grave,
the star-crossed demon that he dare not save,
lays on her side, in a pit of mass flame,
sparked when he loved the unlovable blame.
Her final moments, and she turned to her lover,
his eyes black with evil, they'd never discover,
but the poor pity boy, neither did learn,