iMissYOUsoFAR's blog

So its about 1:00 in the morning, and I can't sleep worth a shit. So I put in my chem cds, and I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good. I only cried once today, but I was also unresponsively hazy.

So its, um, almost 1:00 right now. In the fucking morning. And I can't sleep worth a shit. So I put in my my chem cds, and I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good, I cried once today but was exhausted and unresponsively hazy.

So I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good. I only cried once today, and I didn't heat up about anything.

So I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good. I only cried once today, and I didn't heat up about anything.

So I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good. I only cried once today, and I didn't heat up about anything.

So I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good. I only cried once today, and I didn't heat up about anything.

Hello everyone... its 11:35 and I am exhausted. I want to sleep so fucking badly but I just.... can't. Today was rough on my emotions, on my body, my nerves, my everything. I'm sorry about my constant complaining but no one else will really listen to it. So I'm telling random strangers through a computer. Anyways. First of all, previous blog, mentioned a solo for the song A Thousand Years for my show choir? Yeah. Failed it today too. Twice. Whoopdiefuckingdoo. Why can't I get it right? Seriously, just minutes before we go on, that's when I try to find some confidence and then end up torturing the words, the notes, everything. Can't breathe, voice cuts out, shake to death and nearly drop the mic on the floor. Wonderful. But I was just so.... wanting to be great today after what happened yesterday. And I couldn't do it. Why? Simple. I can't do anything right.

So yeah... we had a show choir performance today... and last night I freaked myself out about it.... well I um.... i failed. Miserably. The song was a thousand years. "Heart....beats.... fast (voice crack), colors and (voice crack) promises, how to be brave (voice cut off), how can I love (voice cut off) when I'm afraid (voice cut off) to fall (voice crack) but watching you (voice spasm I swear to god) stand alone (couldn't fucking hold the note) all of my doubt (voice cut off) suddenly goes away somehow (voice cut off),(THIS PART EPICALLY FAILED) One (voice crack) step (voice crack) cloooo(voice spasm of the day)ser...." I seriously had to hold in the tears, and I was shaking beyond imaginable. The next 2 songs I seriously couldn't fucking sing without feeling like a bag of elephant shit. And when we were done, I ran to the bathroom and... and just cried.

So.... okay so.... GAH WER#@RDGUI#W%$YE^TY*UOITUR! So tomorrow I have a show choir performance. In a coral-pink bedazzled dress (oh fuck), in ugly black heels (oh...double fuck), and I have a solo. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUck. My stage fright isn't that bad anymore really, but I've never had a solo this important before. And I'm starting to panic because today a boy in our show choir (he does have a mental disability, but still) came up to me and reminded me to sing on pitch and to not mess up and if I do then the crowd will start boo-ing. I do like this guy, he's super funny and all but, god it scared me a little. I wouldn't be so scared now, but I missed the bus because I had to go try on shoes and thus I missed the bus thus having to walk through the halls thus running into him. Anyways. My shoes don't fit. My dress is fitting weird. I'm going to fall flat on my face I just know it. And I have to sing in front of tons of people the next couple of days. GOD shoot meeEEE!

Hi everyone, this is the entry I talked about on my Poor Ana revisit one, just because I need to get some things out. For starters, I'm home from school. No fever. No puking (at least, not because of illness). Not much change. Just aches. Several kinds.
This morning, at maybe, mmm, 3ish, my dad tried to wake me up from a nightmare. Technically, Maisy (my puppy) ran into my room, and he came in to get her, and I was freaking out so he shook me a little and yelled at me to open my eyes.