iMissYOUsoFAR's blog

So first of all, I've narrowed it down to four killjoy names and I can't decide between them. Panic System. Siren Society. Nightmare Demolition. Sleeping Insanity. They all have to do with me and they all say something about me, but I just can't figure it out because I want it all to be perfect. And I know that I'm always going to be part of this MCRmy, I just love them all too much to leave. Some of their songs have really helped me get through harsh times, like Sleep when I wake up screaming at night and can't get one decent nights rest, haven't for months. Or S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W being the song I first kissed Mimi to again in 9th grade. I'm Not Okay, the song I blasted in my ears after I got into sexual mistakes with my ex or sexual harassment with... well...several guys I guess. What is it... 5 now? 6 maybe? Sure only two used me physically but... anyways.

Hello everyone. I'm back after an very emotion mixing Saturday. First of all though, just a killjoy update, barely any progress but its something.
Killjoy ID: I like either: Cyanide Baby, Panic System, Easy Iodine, Hope Destroyer, Numb Habit, Terror Reaction, Misery Monster, Reality Runaway, Nightmare Demolition, Flame Balance, Sleeping Insanity, Siren Haze. one of those.... or a mix of the words... idk.
Since: 2011
First Song: Welcome to the Black Parade or Sing (depends on how you look at it)
Killjoy Song: Sleep or The End... still undecided. Probably sleep though :p
Favorite Song: Disenchanted, Sleep, The World Is Ugly, The Light Behind Your Eyes, Demolition Lovers, Summertime, Na Na Na Na (Na Na Na), Planetary (GO!), Desert Song, I'm Not Okay, The End, S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W...should I just say all of them? Jesus...

Hello everyone. I'm back after an very emotion mixing Saturday. First of all though, just a killjoy update, barely any progress but its something.
Killjoy ID: I like either: Cyanide Baby, Panic System, Easy Iodine, Hope Destroyer, Numb Habit, Terror Reaction, Misery Monster, Reality Runaway, Nightmare Demolition, Flame Balance, Sleeping Insanity, Siren Haze. one of those.... or a mix of the words... idk.
Since: 2011
First Song: Welcome to the Black Parade or Sing (depends on how you look at it)
Killjoy Song: Sleep or The End... still undecided. Probably sleep though :p
Favorite Song: Disenchanted, Sleep, The World Is Ugly, The Light Behind Your Eyes, Demolition Lovers, Summertime, Na Na Na Na (Na Na Na), Planetary (GO!), Desert Song, I'm Not Okay, The End, S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W...should I just say all of them? Jesus...

This is going to be a lot of ranting on pretty much three topics, I think anyways, "love" and my religion class today, my show choir competition tomorrow, and my killjoy name dilemma. so just today, people really seem to be wanting more of me. And it sucks ass, sometimes. Because I'm sort of a failure at heart haha :p for example, Love. Love is a word that maybe I know and maybe I don't, but today in religion class, it kinda felt like we should know what it is and how we can get better at it. I know that I have troubles in "love"... lots of them. Like a fuck-ton lot. But our religion teacher, so she's a nun. Well a sister, whatever, anyways. We read this um... this passage about love. If you aren't religious, I'm not trying to offend you or anything, I'm just stating the following for the facts of what my religion class was like, I respect all life decisions,

Its 3:40 in the morning. Yes actually, I'm being serious. And that means that there's only 6 more days until the last Conventional Weapons songs, Burn Bright and Surrender The Night are finally released, and I go back to not having anything to hope for :p meh. Why am I up so fucking early? why else :'/ went to bed around midnight, and I just woke up about an hour ago. It took me a while to gain... sanity and well-being after that whole thing. But the last couple of days if you didn't notice, I haven't posted an entry, because I was waiting for something to talk about and frankly not much came. Which is saying a lot, because now I feel like I could just rant on forever. A couple of days ago, I freaked out at Mimi <3, once again, because I had seen my hallucination girl, Julee. I vented out to her about my nightmares, about how I'm scared of Matthew, about how I always feel so dangerous and so vulnerable after them, how I just.... feel.

I need a title for this.... fuuuuuuuuck. Well, okay back up to yesterday. Last night I went to the pasta dinner. Sorry, my little sister's show choir performance. And my dad gets a call from my aunt... crying. I was just sort of drinking my 3rd cup of coffee, and he hands me the phone.
Me: "Hi?"
Sarah: "Hi Tay."
Me: "...you okay?"
Sarah: "Yeah... yeah I'm good..."
Me: "Sarah..."
Sarah: "So its being born early. The doctors don't trust it this time."
Me: ...."Don't trust what?"
Sarah: "They think its gonna die too...."
-long pause......-
Sarah: "Where are you guys?"
Me: "Megan's performance thingy."
Sarah: "....they good?"
Me: "Come down and see them sometime. You could see me! And I'd sing my fail solo for you!"
Sarah: "I saw it on Facebook sweetie, you're full of shit. Beans. Um. Something."
Me: "Well still..."
Sarah: "You're an awesome kid, Tay. The baby'll like you. If it survives I mean...."

So this is a poem I wrote at about... 3 last night. And I'm sitting here in band, not giving a fuck about life, avoiding pretty much everyone, like I did this morning when I sat on the stage crying, listening to Sleep over and over again, and then I actually listened to Adam Lambert for a while, anyways. Everything today has just been.... all ironic lately. How when things crumble down... idk where I was going with that O.o whatever. Poem.

Barely asleep,
the terror restarts,
the monsters I've made,
singeing our hearts,
the torture, the passion,
I'll scream and I'll cough,
yet the smoke and the flames,
they'll never die off.
My whole world is burning,
to my left and my right,
there's flames when he's gone,
and flames in his sight,
his pure baby blues,
as black as the ashes,
will I ever understand,
the logistics of matches?
Run for our lives,
water for oil,
throw in regret,
and feel my blood boil,
try to wake up,
make it all go away,
blink out the vision,

Ugh. FUCK. I want to go home and sit in some dark corner and just.... turn invisible. with ice-cream. A huge, non-fat tub of it. Today is just not turning out okay. My grandma gave me a lecture about my reputation and how acting desperate will get me nowhere in life and I can't act on impulses because then I'll just be the easy girl that everyone can lead on. No shit. Isn't that kinda what everyone does to me? I mean.... 3/4 of everyone that has made me feel like a non-bag-of-shit? And she almost made me cry because she is always insanely worried about me. She doesn't really care, she just doesn't want a failure granddaughter. And then at show choir, fucking perfect, I couldn't fucking breathe and after that my mom took me for ice cream and I just.....I love ice cream. And then, the rest of the night I cried and ranted and practically exploded at my friend Jack. And I really hate keeping secrets, so I knew I couldn't with him, but its all catching up with me now.

I can't begin to describe how cold and sucky I feel right now. I'm in choir and I just gahhhh.

I'm an awful person. Trust me, my stomach kills from guilt. But hopefully my day gets better. And I'm bored in world history, needed something to do. Tada. Apparently I should be in jail. Exciting.
[x] smoked
[x] consumed alcohol
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[x] kissed someone of the same sex (yup...yup)
[x] had sex
[x] had someone in your room other than family (Kate... started jumping on my bed. Zoa slept over. Um.... my neighbor?)
[] watched porn
[] bought porn
[x] tried drugs
TOTAL SO FAR: 8
[x] taken painkillers
[x] taken someone else's prescription medicine (....fuck)
[x] lied to your parents (mom, I'm fine)
[x] lied to a friend
[x] snuck out of the house
[x] done something illegal
[x] felt hurt (no shit sherlock)
[x] hurt someone
[x] wished someone to die
[x] seen someone die
TOTAL SO FAR: 18
[x] missed curfew
[x] stayed out all night (moohaha)