Fall to Romance's blog

Um....I think I have a date.

And he did say it was a date. But that could have just been him using the expression, "It's a date!" ....you know....sort of like, "It's a trap!"

But I think he meant it as we have a date.

We're talking a real date.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, even if it is just a casual thing. We're going to hang out at his house, eat snacks, watch a couple superhero movies.....And that does actually sound like a pretty awesome date.

I feel 100, but I'm only 21.

I just want the stress in my life to go away. Why must I feel so damn stressed?

So my friend/roommate last night came out of her room and said she wanted to get her eyebrow pierced. "I'm thinking of going tomorrow after school. You wanna come with me? We could get it done together!"

I've been thinking about getting it done for quite some time now, so I said, "Yeah! I'd love to go do that."

We even talked about it this morning before I left for work.

I got home, and she went without me. Cool. She couldn't have waited one more hour for me to get home?? What the hell?

I was excited to finally go get it done! I was looking forward to it all day. Now what? I'm not going to go by myself. I'm not going to have my friend come with and watch me get it done either.

"I need to make friends with people who'll watch superhero movies with me," I said.

"Just let me know times and places," he replied.

"Even if it's just to watch something that's already out on DVD?" I asked.

"That would be great," he answered.

I'm not sure what's really happening in my life right now. I don't know if this guy just wants to be my friend...or does he want something more? I'm really terrible at reading people. I'm the epitome of socially awkward. I wouldn't know if I was being asked out if a guy was standing in front of me saying, "Hey, I like you. Wanna go on a date?" Ok...that may be pushing it, but you get the idea.

Someone out there thinks I'm beautiful. He likes that I'm pretty confident in myself. He's respectful and sweet. He hates society for tormenting girls, for making them hate themselves because they're not "perfect." He likes that I'm honest and nice. He hates that I've been so depressed that I used to cut. He likes Harry Potter, Zelda, and fantasy art.

Basically, he's everything that I'd want in a guy. The only problem is that he's several states away.....well that and we've only just started talking a couple days ago.

Why can't we go to the same college? Why aren't there any guys like him in this town?

My friend bailed on me. We were gonna go to a ballroom dance, but she's too tired. So instead, I took a picture of myself out of sheer boredom, went to picnick.com, and turned myself into a zombie.

What do y'all think?

I'm just going to start all this off by saying that I over think everything. I know that. I doubt I'll ever be any different.

Now, with that said, there's in fact something my brain won't leave alone at the moment. I'm currently 21 years old and have never been on a date. In fact, until recently, no one's ever shown any interest in me. I say until recently because my roommate has this guy friend. He comes for occasional visits, so we've met a number of times. We talk on chat all the time. Turns out we've got quite a lot in common. And recently, we've been talking more and more about general romantic topics. He's told me that he finds it hard to believe that I've never dated. He's called me cute a number of times--twice today alone.

But there's a couple issues floating around the situation:
1. I'm the third in a line of three girls he's shown interest in recently: My two roommates first, and then me.

So my friend/roommate and I had a bit of an argument the night before last. And then last night, I noticed she had a cut on her wrist that I'm pretty sure wasn't there before. I know she self-harms, and I know she'd skipped taking her antidepressants recently while her prescription was being filled, and I know that she took the argument much harder than I did (and that's saying something, because I'm still pretty messed up over it).

She already made me feel like her depression was entirely my fault...and I know she triggers much easier than I do (I haven't self-harmed in about a year). If she did cut, I don't want to feel like it was my fault. That's a ton of responsibility for one person to take...a ton of blame. But as her friend, I'm deeply concerned that she cut because of the fight. I know I spent the night thinking about my exacto-knife.

I feel like I'm losing my friends. After all this time, I've noticed that we've slipped from best friends to "friendly" roommates. I've felt friends slipping away in the past. I usually do something incredibly stupid and push them away. It's not because I don't want to be their friend anymore. But I guess if I'm going to lose a really good friend, it had better be for a greater reason than we just slipped away. Because if we just slipped away, that means that we simply didn't care anymore. At least if there's arguing and fights, that means we still care. Anger is just another side of passion and love/friendship.

I need a place I can call my own. Away from family. Away from roommates. Away from prying eyes that constantly judge you.

I don't feel welcome anywhere.