Fall to Romance's blog

I was right in saying that I wouldn't be going to class. I woke up halfway through. But on the up-hand, I actually slept from 2-10. I forced myself to eat a sandwich for lunch and then showered. I spent a good hour after my deliciously toasty shower getting dressed and primped. I didn't intend to do this; it just felt good to take the time to make myself look presentable. I ended up wearing my new black sundress I originally got for Mexico with a headband with a checkered bow attached. I did straighten my hair, but with all the moisture in the air, it decided to go wavy. But I actually didn't mind so much. It actually did a controlled wave, so it looked quite pretty.

I felt awkward though. I mean, I haven't worn a dress since sometime last summer. Before then, I hadn't worn a dress since my graduation the year before. But a number of people told me I looked adorable, so I guess it was ok. I even got a "Wow."

It's not what it seems in the land of dreams
Don't worry your head, just go to sleep
When you wake up the world will come around...

My eyes hurt. They hurt and they're puffy.

I finally stopped crying just about two hours ago.

R.I.P. My sweet baby boy. You were my life.

Oh my gosh you retarded blog thing! This IS NOT SPAM!!! I'm trying to post about my dog who just died an hour and twenty minutes ago!

I hurt. I can't breathe. And as soon as I feel my tears slow, a fresh wave starts up again.

My heart will combust.

I just wish I were numb.

My mom called me in tears earlier to say that they took my dog to the vet because he wasn't doing well. She said they gave him some medication. They said that should help. He got worse. Something ruptured. When I was on the phone with my mom, he stopped breathing.

My sweet baby boy...He was there for me when I needed him the most, but I couldn't be there for him when he needed me. My parents couldn't afford the surgery that could have saved his life.

He was just a little boy. Only 6 years old. He was so playful and loving. He cared about everyone.

Ok, so everything I'd hoped for in my last post didn't come true. It's rainy, not sunny. I slept through my class. And I'm still having difficulty focusing on what I really need to do. But I was able to feel not so depressed for most of the day. I was even watching a movie with my sister....mind you, that also meant we weren't talking. Then I came home from work and she was at class. I had peace.

But now she's back. Now she's back in her bossy, bitchy, demeaning ways. The first thing she did when she came home was barge into my room and ask, "Did you put that crap on the couch??" Hell yes I did. Because that crap is really the laundry that she didn't finish last night. But does that matter to her? Of course not. I put it there, so I MUST fold it and put it away.

I imagine they're singing to me...for me... And that makes everything better....if only for a moment.

Though I do wish I could love the music just to love the music. But then I wonder what the music would be like without this deep emotional connection. Would I still love it to the same extent? Or is it my pain that connects me to the rythms, meoldies, and lyrics? Then again, regardless of how I feel, My Chem is an amazing band. And if I do feel this way, at least their music is here for me....to help ease the pain and take away the knife. It's not even a knife. It's a dull exacto knife refill blade. Good only for scratches. But it's away now. And my wounds are already healing. I know I'm happy about this, and I know I'm making progress, even with the pain I was in today...My Chem made me strong enough to keep the blade in its current place. Them and talking to my two best friends. But my friends can't always be there. My Chem can play 24/7 on my ipod and computer. They have before and they will again. They are.

I'm currently listening to Famous Last Words. It makes me want to cry. It makes me regret cutting earlier even more. It makes me feel as though they saved me two years ago for nothing, that I've let them down...but at the same time, it's like they're making what happened better.

The song just changed to Heaven Help Us. I've been away from their music too long, even though I listen everyday. I need to go back to listening to them the way I was two years ago: literally 24/7. They were with me all the time to pull me out of my suicidalness....they can do that for me again. I know it'll be a slow and painful process at first, but they can make me put away the knife again.

I've set my itunes to play only My Chem.

They will help me to find my will again.

I'm reaching out tonight to anyone...to everyone.

....because I thought I was stronger than this.

After ten years of fighting depression, I broke....perhaps more like fractured, but still.

After ten years of fighting back this depression, I cut for the first time. I've been reaching out for weeks as soon as I couldn't get the thought out of my head.
My sister wouldn't listen. My friends weren't there. I can't talk to my parents. I went to teenhelp.org, but I wasn't getting any response there either.

Tonight, I found my exacto knife refills. I pulled one out and before I knew it, I had a series of cuts. They aren't any worse than cat scratches, but still....it was my first time.

But I feel I need to do it again. The blade is still next to me an hour later..

Um...yeah. Don't ask about the title...or why there's a sword piercing the Mad Hatter's Hat. xD This was really fun to do, but oh so trying of the patience! Seriously! Drawing in pen looks really awesome, but it's sooooo painstaking.

By the way, this will also be done in color.

Still waiting for it to feel right to be working on the drawing of Zacky V. I keep trying to start, but it's REALLY not good, so I have to keep erasing. Good thing I learned to sketch lightly.

I just finished this drawing. I drew the teddy's outline on Friday night after my dad and I watched 9. Then I thought I'd mess around with art pens and cross-hatching. Still exploring different art techniques to find my art style. (And yes, I know this doesn't look like Pooh Bear. It wasn't intended too, however adorable he is.)